Back Pages: Xmas Carol Special: Turds v Gerrards 'Very' Cross (31/11/2006)

From: 31/11/2006

Becky 3 v GX 1 Lost 2-3 (6-13)

St John has just informed me that he can't play next week as he has "got to go to Carol Singing" (for Christ's sake!) so......

St John (Lost 0-3)

(to the tune of 'Silent Night')

St John was sh*te, St John was sh*te

Moved around like Barry White

Come on Sturgeon, you big Ginger Tom

You want the cream but your boll*cks have gone!

Keep him Kevin, please keep him

Keep him O Kevin, please keep him

AND, started but couldn't finish: (to the tune of 'The Little Drummer Boy')

Christ Almighty,

barapapum pum

That's not a 'blow-up'

it's his bububum bum......

Gareth (Lost 0-3)

(to the tune of 'Away in a Manger')

Though form is a stranger, no need for concern

We all know that Gareth's finesse will return

We love his 'return' stance, his head band is cool

And thank Christ for someone who knows half the rules

Trevor (won 3-0)

(To be sung to me, whilst lying at my feet and to the tune of 'Twinkle twinkle little star')

Twinkle twinkle little star

Now we know how great You are

Like a God (who comes from Greece)

Your sporting wonders never cease

You're our Saviour, hear our prayer

Praise be to He of perfect hair

Steve (Won 3-0)

(to the tune of 'Good King Wenceslas')

Sledging's senseless, there's no rest, he's a beast, is Steven

(Though his squash was pizzaesque: deep and crisp and even)

Brightly shone his smirk that night (grinning like a fooool)

The Poms were in the deep end, he

Was p*ssing in the poooool

Roger (Lost 0-3)

(to the tune of 'Little Donkey')

Little Roger little Roger on a dusty court

Playing like a little donkey (lucky to get nought!)

"Show me that rule book now! Not a stroke! Not a stroke!

Christ, Damn and Holy Cow. Not a stroke! Not a stroke!

Playing like a little donkey, guess he knows his fate:

The 'Knackers Yard of Sporting Giants'

Courtney-Luck awaits!

Coming next week: a Rock Opera on the glorys of team meals entitled "Food Glorious Food, We're Anxious To Try It" (only joking Allan!) and a lecture by the late Kevin Mears on the difficulties of timekeeping in the modern world, entitled "Sorry seems to be the hardest word".

(...there is no game next week, but don't tell the Sturgeon!)

Trev X