The Bulls: A Season Reasoned

The Bull's wax lyrical on their season:

Chicken: 
Attendance: 19/20 (gutted not to make the last match). 
Reasonable success rate after a couple of dire performances at the start of the season. 
If I was a car I’d be a diesel VW Passat estate, with about 100,000 on the clock. Reliable, but no bird-puller!
Low point: being turned over for 3 points by the moribund old boys at Chesham at the start of the season, when the Pig had left me in charge. And then feeling compelled to buy Aubrey's second novel as a politeness.
High point: Stuffing it up them on their return to fortress Beaconsfield.

Camel: 
The Bulls have had some fantastic matches - spurred into action following the drubbing they got from the Seniors first match of the season. 
Div 2 has some great personalities and some very useful players of all shapes and sizes, from teenagers to veterans. 
It's been a real pleasure to be involved, and well played to the whole squad.

Koala: 

Nothing to say at the time of posting.
I'm sure that we'll fill this space as we approach time of reelection...
Do we reelect Dictators/Emperors?

Rhino: Season review as a Limerick;

For me it all started so well

Leading the 2nds right from the bell

However my form from the summer

Deserted me "what a  bummer"

So down the order I fell

While the 2nds challenged for the top

The Bulls seemed destined to drop

So I answered the call

To finally become a Bull

As the Bears had the cream off the crop

Pigs strategy for survival was set

And all challenges finally met

By those fine Bulls one and all

All answering our Captains call

And the promise of safety was kept

Fox: 
Considering our impediment at not having a recognizable No1 we remained upbeat if not competitive. The relative lightweights at 1 & 2 did put pressure on the rest of us through no fault of their own; we really needed to convert at 3, 4 & 5 to have any chance of winning a match. The pressure did tell occasionally with the odd grumpy outburst. I was self selected gobshite; various Bulls and Bears took it in turn to poke me with sticks and offer jibes and quotes, then ran for cover, disowning my frothy gibberish as it inevitably came forth. I'd like to apologies to anyone who got in between my rant and its intended target. Please forgive me...
We lost a lot, but lost close; quite a few 2-3s saw us occasionally deflated but still quietly compiling the points, points that eventually saw us over the finish line a little more comfortably than predicted. Although hobbled, knobbled and hamstrung for much of the time I loved the season; considering the pressure, we Bulls were a happy breed and had a fine time of it.
I'm hoping that our new club captain will see fit to keep the Bulls intact; however, if I had a wish for next season it would be simple: a Bull's head (preferably with horns) for the swollen body.
NB: Gazza; apparently there is such thing as a 'Bull Turtle'...

Highlights?
A late, non squash addition would be following Mearsy up a dark alley, witnessing him confronting a hooded suspect in the car park break in saga. His opening salvo of 'Excuse me mate, yes you...' was surely a full octave higher than intended and could only have been heard by dogs and Neil Young fans; priceless as his trembling falsetto descended to a ballsy baritone upon the arrival of a police van, and he started chewing imaginary gum... Bless.

Squash highlights:
- The Python's distress and ultimate resignation as he was overpowered and ruthlessly dismantled by the energetic and coltish Seb Monson. You don't see a flaccid Python that often; a rare sight indeed.
- Seb's distress as he was dismantled by the energy sponge that is the Camel in the return fixture; revenge not so much served cold but with a tag tied to its toe...
- The Camel's swearing; truly a master of the art.
- The pointing of The Camel anus at any opponent, retrospectively either a sign of supplication or as a challenge to do battle, depending on its effectiveness.
- Off the back of a victory against Toby, Mearsy's misplaced cheeky chutzpa as we drove to an away match for his first appearance as Bull's Number 1. He got 5 points I believe...
- Mearsy's churlish chutzpa as the 'shark eyes' returned for a magnificent final salvo, winning at No1 against Buckingham's Torben.
- The Chicken's gutsy consistency. Even his losses were closely fought. I'd call him a shining Beaconsfield beacon but he'd think I was referring to his pate... so I won't...
- The Rhino's late addition. Hapless and helplessly out of touch and form he still wrung many a vital point out of the misery by digging deep. Tiny talent, big heart.
- Finally, The Pig was a magnificent skipper. Selfless and always 'up', he absorbed the bullshit admirably, kept us abreast of 'The Math' and fought like a Trojan even in the most hopeless of match ups. 

And my highlight of the year?
The Pig putting in new contact lenses for the first time ever for his final game of the season against Buckingham. He came on court with the manic stare of a man with pebbles in his sockets. At the end of the first rally he rubbed his eyes and sent both lenses to the back of his head where they stayed for the duration. It didn't improve his mood and some indifferent marking from the ever benign Camel extracted much Pig bile: 7 'cocks' and a 'fuckwit' to be precise; out 'Cameling' the Camel. Kudos!

Lowlights?
The euphoria of welcoming Powell to the Bull pen only to have him redirected to go shit in the woods.

What a waste of talent...

The attempted rendering of me blind by two fellow Bulls:
Camel: Left eye: Metal ruler
Chicken: Right eye: Over exaggerated backhand follow through.
Call me 'paranoid' but I suspect a 'hit'...

My player of the season? 
It's got to be a tie between Pig and Chicken. Virtually ever present they battled manfully against all odds; Brave Bulls indeed.

Big Bird should get an honourable mention for her inadequacy behind the bar. She might be the worst maid in the county but at least she's consistent. Her 'Malteser Send Off' is now legend around the visiting clubs. It doesn't matter how many times you go to the back of that queue for another turn, Koko's always in front of you... even if he's playing away. How does he do that?

Anyway, enough banter; I'm a busy man.
I've got to either go and coach Chris Hosey or clean the oven.
Tough choice eh?

Python: Unavailable for comment, 'Shagging' apparenty...

Gnat: Unavailable for comment. Unrelated to the above...

Dodo: Plenty of comment; insufficient time to edit.

Squirrel: Nowt worth printing but promises to be fit for next season.

Skipper's Report: Ian Piggin: Bulls 2012/2013 vintage:

This will have to be brief as I'm supposed to be working and the editor (Trev) has demanded copy asap.

After a summer of intense inter-team captain negotiation, the Bulls were formed, looking remarkably similar to the previous year.   

After the initial hiccup losing 16-4 to Chesham seniors (note to self: never leave Jim as captain in my absence, although he redeemed himself many times after that), we've managed to pull together a decent year end position, finishing with 223 points and comfortably mid-table.  Its never been easy.  Despite winning 9 matches, its been something of a struggle, especially in the second half where the prospect of relegation started to loom large.  Div 2 has been very competitive this year.

Kevin/chairman/Koala: started off the season with the occasional appearance at 4 or 5.  As his shoulder healed/loosened/fixed itself, got increasingly competitive.  Ever fearless and experienced was called upon for q4 no 1 duties. A good leader in the team

Me/Pig: newbie captain:  good at administration (sexy stuff of course), but struggled at 1.  Did the honorable punchbag thing for 3 quarters.

Chris/Rhino: parachuted in for q4 and made a difference.  A man of experience and a degree of professionalism not usually required/wanted of a Bull.  Steadied the ship whilst we (or me in particular) might have panicked.  Did a job for us in q4.  Much appreciated

Jim/Chicken: played every game, save for last night.  I need to do the math, but I reckon scored better than anyone else.  Had the occasional "loss of mojo" but a fantastic team player. 

Nigel/Camel: wheezed his way around court for most of the season, albeit interrupted whilst he recovered from shoulder barging the forehand wall in court 4.  Nigel tries so hard, you can feel his pain.  Wins very often as well.

Trev/Fox: Trev spent the year winning easily (when uninjured) or losing easily (when injured) but throughout plying his flicky, droppy mercurial talents. Off court, there was some back-seat driving of the team, but experience is often welcomed, but not always in this case. Very notable for supporting the team at two away games when not actually playing. A true Bull through and through.  Turned up for the first game a week early…………………

Ches/Python: I continue to marvel at his drops and drop volleys. I can’t recall if it’s a badminton thing or table tennis, but when they work they are unplayable.  When they don't, he runs a lot. Ches turned out for us a lot during the year (including for away games - yep, that’s right, away games).

St. John/Squirrel: played a couple of times at the start of the season before succumbing to niggles.  Shame as his pre-season form was damn impressive

Nathalie/Gnat: it was a tough 2012/2013 season for Gnat suffering from a bit/lot of overtraining/playing and then a bad back injury. I saw her on court last night. All the best for a swift recovery

Bullard/Dodo: played away at Holmer Green and took a bit of a pasting from a teenager I recall.  Never responded to any of my emails after that point……..

Highlight of the season: as a rookie captain, avoiding relegation

Low point: sometime in Q3 when already dealing with being rookie captain and playing at 1 (and generally being spanked), the prospect of relegation started to emerge. All good experience for the future... I regret not having the opportunity to rotate the team as much as I'd like. We never were as comfortable as the table now shows - it really all was down to the last match of the season. 

Strangely it now seems, our weekly relegation battles will be hugely missed. Until next season no doubt...

Pig

You Can't Milk a Bull... Bulls v Buckingham

Last Match of the Season

Match Reports by The Match Markers:

Pig:

Fox v 'Dave' (3-0)

Seemingly without a tight hamstring or lower back pain or other obvious impediment, the Fox shuffled onto court to face a much younger and burly bloke called Dave. Dave looked like a bit of a brute. I feared Trev might be eaten alive, or possibly minced into something more mincey than at present, if that were possible. Trev surged to 4-0 up in the first. WKP muttered something to me as he walked towards the match on the other court. I couldn't tell if it was "he'll win 3-0" or "Trev really is an arse" or "can’t you mark you prat". I think it was the former. I couldn't tell. I tried my hardest just to avoid the fumes.  By this stage, Trev was starting to look up to the balcony - it was tumbleweed city on the court 3 balcony. Trev was "miffed", both at the lack of an audience and the very apparent inabilities of his opponent. Over the next 34 points Trev stroked it home to a comfortable win. Dave certainly had some shots but the big bloke certainly had difficulty getting it out of the back corners.

And with that, the Bulls had got to 209 points and were saved from relegation!!
(So, it was effectively me that saved us for demotion then eh? Trev x)

Koala:

Camel v Phil (3-0)

Up second was the Camel.
Well, he was due on court first but to his opponents surprise, after 15 minutes of warming the ball up, there was no sign of the camel. He eventually strolled to the front of the court to put down his valuables. His opponent looked somewhat relieved and then dismayed, to see the camel returning to the back of the court and leaving for another rest. The long walk from back to front to back had clearly taken its toll.
The warm up eventually commenced and all the hard work that had gone into ‘warming the ball up’ was undone by the Camel’s ‘warming down’ tactics. A new expression of 'confused' engulfed the opponent.
The match finally got underway, and the Camel followed his normal game tactics of running very little and playing increasingly perfect lob lengths and canny boasts. His opponent was up for the challenge and relentlessly chased down every ball. The first game should have gone to the oppo, but the Camel never capitulates and from nowhere came back to snatch a victory.
Games two and three followed in quick succession, and only twice did the camel expose his rear in appreciation of his opponent’s determination and the exhausting rally of 10 shots.
3/0 was a fitting end to the Camel’s season.

Camel:

Pig v Don (1-3)
The 3rd game was effectively the decider. A massive effort by both Ian and Big Don for supremacy - at one stage Ian seemed to be getting there with ease, only for Don to respond and dig in Piggin style, striking back to take it 10-9. Ian's racket broke. The 4th went Don's way.

Fox:
Rhino v Angus (3-2)
This might be the worst team game that I have ever witnessed. Wish I'd bought my Kindle.
Chris spent the first two games feeding what limited strengths 'Aberdeen' Angus had. Thereafter it took a squash genius (moi) to suggest that the Rhino try straightening things up a little and hitting the back wall occasionally. "Think of Atko with brass nobs on" I ventured. Chris received this as a revelation/Damascus moment and resumed as 'saviour'.
I would focus on the moments of quality but there wasn't one...

Rhino: 

Kev v Torden (3-2)

The Koala is often mistaken for a Bear (when in fact they are Marsupials) or cuddly toy, but behind their cute features is quite a feisty animal that when roused can defend itself amiably. Now our Koala has recently stepped up to the plate and been the sacrificial lamb playing at the top slot. He got there on merit it has to be said as the form book showed, however recent matches have seen him meeting superior opponents. Tonight that little twinkle in his eye was back as there was surely an opportunity to shine. This was the final match of the evening and with both safety and the match in the bag there was surely a chance to throw caution to the wind a give it a go. Marsupials young are born immature and then carried in the safety of a pouch, now I am unsure what was hiding under the front of Kevin's shirt but it did not hold him back as he flew out of the blocks leaving Herman caught in the headlights as the ball flashed around all 4 corners of the court. If there was a strategy then it was clear that this match was not to last too long. The second game was not quite as clinical as the 1st with Heinz beginning to read his opponents front court cuts but rarely able to do much with them 2-0. The third started well as Gerhard's error count continued and an early bath beckoned but a 7-1 lead turned into 7-7 with our little Joey losing his line and length and Torsten's confidence and shots began to rise. That game went to Saxony and the next, our little star had shone so brightly but all to briefly but wait what do we see in the 5th our little Joey reborn back to his full stature flashing the ball back to all corners Adolf retiring to his bunker to do the honourable thing. I'm looking at the evening's photo (below). Excellent; the Camel's watching TV. I (a man not a Rhino) make Koala look tall! and of course that expression is thanks to my left index finger. The Pig has Damion's eyes and a grimace that has no left him since that 4th game. The Fox is all hair and Big Bird's hand is just covering his damp spot.

I have to admit the only cool looking dude is the Chicken...

Club Championships/Club Newsletter

Club Championships

Calling All Squash Players,

The annual Beaconsfield Squash Club Championships is fast approaching.
The courts are booked, the trophies are being polished, and the call-for-entries is up on the club notice board.
Will Paul Boyle make it a hat-trick of wins? Who from Jo, Natalie or Heather will take the ladies crown?
There’s bound to be thrills, spills and upsets.

The event caters for players of all standards and ages so the more entries the better. Sign up today!

Key dates:
Friday 26th to Sunday 28th April
The Vets and Vintage early rounds will be played from 16 April onwards

Format:
Men’s A (Team players), Men’s B (Upper League players) & Men’s C (Mid-level League players) events.
Ladies A (Team players) & B events (League players)
Vets (Over 45) & Vintage (Over 55) events

Cost:
£6 for one event (min of 2x games) / £10 for two events / £14 for three

Sign up at the club or email the Admin team and they will put your name down

You’ve got to be in it to win it..!!

Dan Fernandez
Squash Club Captain

------------------------------------------------------------------------

CLUB NEWSLETTER 28.3.13

MATCHES AT HOME THIS WEEK
28th BSC v Windsor friendly

OPENING HOURS OVER EASTER
Normal opening hours resume this weekend.

CLUB CHAMPIONSHIPS 26/27/28 APRIL
Please look out for the separate broadcast.

RACKETBALL COACHING FOR ALL
Tricia will be coaching on the following dates:-
April: 19th & 26th
May: 3rd, 10th, 17th & 24th
Cost per session: Members £5 / Non Members £7
To register please contact secretary@beaconsfieldsquashclub.co.uk or deborah.holmes@upmentors.com for more information.
A Minimum of 5 people is required to run the programme. No experience required, rackets and balls are provided.

TEAM PLAYERS COACHING SUPPORT FOR JUNIOR DEVELOPMENT TEAM
A big thank you to all the team players who have come along to help coach the development team. The children have thoroughly enjoyed having you share your knowledge of the game and the tips and tricks passed onto them. For those other team players who would like to get involved for a couple of hours (5-7pm) on a Saturday afternoon there is a sign-up sheet on the notice board.

JUNIOR LEAGUES
These are now available to view on the website.

JUNIOR CLUB NIGHT FISH & CHIP SUPPER - A GREAT SUCCESS!
The snow was no deterrent for another great Junior Club Night held last Saturday! 32 children played squash and along with 45 adults ate fish & chips supplied by Smiles of Bourne End. Thanks to all the coaches who did a sterling job with the children; Lee and Annabel for helping with registration; Sue for collecting the fish & chips and remembering the tomato ketchup; Alex behind the bar, who was kept on his toes all night by the kids and adults requiring liquid refreshments; the cleaners who had a bit of a job the next morning!

JUNIOR ROLL-UP
The Saturday roll-up will take a break this week for Easter returning on the 6th of April.

JUNIOR HOLIDAY COACHING
Coaching led by Stefan Lubek and Natalie Machin will be held on the 8th, 9th & 10th April, 10-12pm.
£15 per day per child (a minimum of 4 required to run this programme). Please sign-up on the junior notice board.

UP COMING EVENTS:

APRIL
8th Club Night 6.30pm
w/c 20 Over 45/55's Club Tournament
26/27/28 Squash Club Championships

MAY
4th Quiz Night
10/11/12 Junior Championships

Please visit the club website www.beaconsfieldsquashclub.co.uk for all club information.

If there is anything you would like included in the weekly newsletter, relevant to the club, please email georgina@beaconsfieldsquashclub.co.uk by end of play on a Wednesday to be sure of inclusion in the next week's newsletter.

Atko's Cautionary Tales: WKP's fishing 'skills' revealed.

Next time WKP starts bragging about the 20 fish he caught 'up the Yangtze' take it with a pinch of salt.
Please watch to the end...

For Parents Everywhere: Today's Question: What's the Difference Between Boys and Girls?

Caution: Adult Humour

For Parents Everywhere: Today's Question is: 'Why?'

Caution: Adult Humour...

Bulls v Booker (away) 19/3/2013

'Squeaky bum time' I believe they call it.
With two matches to play The Brave Bulls were in a dog fight with 2 or three other teams for the dreaded drop. Nobody wants demotion, particularly when you're fated with away trips to the far reaches of the county; Milton Keynes or Buckingham anybody?
We were also aware that two of the Chesham Bois teams (Upstarts & Seniors) were in the doo doo with us, but were playing Chesham Bois Juniors (safe and indifferent) in their last matches. We respect them as honorable foe but recognize that survival sometimes brings out man's baser instincts. So, we needed to take the bit between our teeth and be masters of our own destiny: win the last two matches handsomely and cast care to the wind.
The first step of the final step was some ruthless captaincy; cutting loose the dross. As part of the cull The Python, when he came out with his customary opening gambit: 'but Tuesday's my shagging night' was told to go forth and shag. I received no such notice, nothing but a dusty silence when this team's selection was discussed at last week's apres match meal. There was much whispering... Being dropped for a Camel and a Rhino is almost as demoralizing as being told by Big Bird that I am the '320th most shaggable totty in the club'; shortly followed by Tracey revealing to me that, for her, I was the '2nd most loathsome member of the club'. The only pleasure in that conversation was when she revealed who was more loathsome than me... But 320th most shaggable? Nic Manley's at 250 for christ's sake! The only relief is the knowledge that Lisa likes 'ugly blokes with big c*cks' so... one out of two should surely see me in the top 200. No?
Anyway, I digress. The team that pitched up was not pretty but fit for purpose:
Koala (just back from a ski trip that saw him dancing naked with a bellyful of the black stuff)
Pig (just back from Cyprus and more concerned with the math than the match)
Chicken (preoccupied with completing his daughter's science homework online)
Rhino (devoid of talent and form but at least consistent... renamed Guilder Christ; our saviour)
Camel (dressed like a bag man preparing to sleep under Waterloo bridge; with a demeanor that is the opposite of 'a coiled spring'.)
They weren't exactly going to put the fear of God into Booker but, blimey, they were sure to get pity.
I was there as photographer and correspondent.
This is what I saw:

First up was The Camel.
He huffed and he puffed and blew out any match plan that his opponent might have had; effectively delivering the ball to his helpless opponent with rigor mortis.
His helpless opponent Don Westerman was new to us all and apparently he is 'very good at basketball'...
Just as well for the Camel that...
3-0



On the other court Jim was up against Tim Bark-Jones. 
Tim wanders around court like an old man in a library; he kept venturing to the dusty corners only to seemingly foget why he'd gone there. Perhaps a return to the T would jog his memory. There were the odd moments of lucidity when he shot from the hip to force some devastating short winners but generally his body language articulated his performance. Jim just needed to stay awake to convert the points and did so admirably.
3-0

Then came the the Rhino. Chris has been heard wailing to himself in the changing rooms "I'm not a rhino, I'm a man'. Photographic evidence seems to suggest that he may have a point...
He warmed up by playing with an imaginary ball and I must say that it's the best I've seem of him lately. He looked full of purpose and his (imaginary) timing was faultless. Things wobbled a bit upon the introduction of a ball and an opponent, Duncan Swallow (who was later to disgrace himself by not offering the team's support staff (me) beer.) Chris's commitment to the rally was more than Dunc could cope with so he took to doing Mr Bean impressions...
3-0

Meanwhile the Koala was on the other court taking on their number one, a pugnacious Mark Brown. Mearsy had no chance did he? He was still reeking of the weekend's indulgences and carrying around a barrelful of unpissed belly beer. He was dispatched with ease in the first game but then the little emperor dug in, his drops found the nicks, his lobs became inch perfect and he took the 2nd with ease. At 7-6 up in the 3rd the look on his face was priceless: he was a little more engaged than he'd anticipated and there was nowt left in the tank. The wheels came flying off and Mark relentlessly but mercifully put Napoleon out of his misery. Still, a vital point at number one, normally a desert for us.
1-3

Last up was our skipper. Now playing at 2 The Pig has been finally enjoying team life. A season at number 1 as 'team punch bag' was starting to test even Ian's resolve. So, after a week of sunbathing in Cyprus we found him rejuvinated but agin talented opposition. 'Gorgeous' George Goodchild and Ian went toe to toe and produced the match of the evening. The rallies were long and testing and eventually took their toll on both players; George was moving further and further back, Pig was tinning more and more drops. At one all George's error count was rising and it seemed that Ian might prevail, but Booker's Babe reined himself in and finally overcame our brave but knackered Pig.
1-3

Meantime, The Chicken and The Rhino have asked me use this forum to scotch rumors once and for all that they are involved in a gay relationship. This has led to many unkind 'what do you get if you cross a chicken with a rhino?' type jibes. They have also informed me that their latest 'charge' Quentin is not an offspring but actually adopted. They're considering boarding school to keep 'Q' with their other little ones, but simply cannot come to an agreement. One of them is thick skinned, the other doesn't want to put all of his eggs in the same basket...

Back to the squash: one game to go; the wretched Buckingham at home.
We need to fill our boots.
We look forward to chastising them on their late arrival and imposing the 'one beer only' rule.
Whilst I was grateful for the scrapings last night (a tasty curry) it seems that Duncan Disorderly has adopted that code for Booker too... Is 'Swallow' really his surname?
Finally, Gazza has asked me to share this link with you.
It's about a girl who pretended to be a boy to succeed at squash.
I can't work out if he's taking the piss out of me or Sam Muller...

For 'Old Gits Everywhere'

Another smash and grab in the squash club car park yesterday evening.
Please beware.
Leave nothing of value in your trunk.
If you see a dodgy hoody in a light tracksuit amongst the cars hit him very hard with your squash racket and pray that it's not a junior...

Meanwhile, this video (sponsored by Chris Hosey) is apparently for 'Old Gits Everywhere'.
I think this means you...

Last Post From the Piste

Last post from the piste was:
Mears: Going to get ratted...
Me (this morning): Did you succeed?
Mears: Oh Yes...
Seems that it didn't end well...

Happy St Patrick's Day From Just Off the Piste

The Chairman would like to wish all members of the club a 'Happy St Patrick's Day'.
As ever, there's a special at the bar.
If tonight you approach said bar and mutter 'What do you get if you cross a Turtle with a Koala?' you will get a complimentary pint of Guinness.
- If Tracey is on duty don't forget to add an ingratiating 'please'.
- If you get an answer worth printing please forward it to me.

Marina and Ulay

Marina Abramovic and Ulay started an intense love story in the 70s, performing art out of the van they lived in. When they felt the relationship had run its course, they decided to walk the Great Wall of China, each from one end, meeting for one last big hug in the middle and never seeing each other again.

At her 2010 MoMa retrospective Marina performed ‘The Artist Is Present’ as part of the show, where she shared a minute of silence with each stranger who sat in front of her. Ulay arrived without her knowing and this is what happened.

Well, we did see it coming... Well played Wales but they had all the momentum.

Still grumpy after yesterday's 'match'.
I don't want to sound like a winging pom but... momentum is vital in a tight match like yesterday's (and it was tight until the last 20), so much energy was expended by the Whites in trying to recover the hard won territory ever gifted to the Welsh through scrum & penalty by the witless, self important popinjay that is Walsh. It's agreed that there's a massive difference in the perception/understanding of scrummaging between the NH & SH.
Why then do the RFU insist on the incendiary by using SH ref's in the 6 Nations? (Joubert's performance last week called 'the worst ever' in many learned circles.)
Especially when the scrum is so key; particularly in yesterday's fixture.
Gorgeous Steve a bizarre choice given his rep' and 'previous' with England.
Odd that England, a previously disciplined unit (5 pen's last week) become dysfunctional and disheveled under Steve's tutelage.
Talk about a self fulfilling prophecy... someone, somewhere, was 'avin' a larf...
Demoralised after an hour, hardly surprising that England's spirit wavered; legs went, hence the score line. Well played Wales, unbridled and unfettered they filled their boots. We were hobbled and confused from the off by The Walshman...
Trev

Why is Steve Walsh refereeing crucial England v Wales game?
(This piece written Friday)

Australian referee has 'previous' with England and has been described as a 'walking timebomb'

BY GAVIN MORTIMER LAST UPDATED AT 08:56 ON FRI 15 MAR 2013

THE STAGE is set, the roof is ready, so let’s hope we get some rugby when England and Wales clash in Cardiff on Saturday night. God knows, this Six Nations needs it after what has been arguably the most tedious tournament in living memory.

After the early promise of the opening weekend, when Ireland ran Wales ragged, England powered past Scotland and Italy stunned France, the rugby has been as grim as the weather, culminating in last Saturday’s desperate encounter between Scotland and Wales. That was, by common consent, the worst game in the 13-year history of the Six Nations, ruined by a whistle-happy official who awarded 28 penalties during the 80 minutes.

The referee in question, Craig Joubert, is from the southern hemisphere, as is Steve Walsh, the man charged with officiating in Cardiff tomorrow night. Put bluntly, there is a feeling among many in Europe that southern hemisphere referees just aren’t up to the job, particularly when it comes to overseeing the scrum. Walsh, an Australian, was in charge of last week’s Ireland against France match and he came in for much criticism on the back of another questionable display with the whistle.

For England the prospect of being refereed by Walsh as they attempt to win their first Grand Slam in ten years is not a happy one because the two have ‘previous’. During the 2003 World Cup in Australia Walsh was given a three-day suspension for what the International Rugby Board termed "inappropriate behaviour" during England’s pool win over Samoa, behaviour which allegedly involved squirting water from a rehydration bottle over one of the England coaches after an argument about substitutions.

Walsh was eventually sacked by the New Zealand Rugby Football Union in 2009 after arriving drunk at a refereeing conference in Sydney, an episoide he later admitted. He then moved to Australia, sobered up, and returned as a referee in 2010 having changed his nationality from Kiwi to Aussie, but still bristling with self-importance.

He was in charge of last year's Six Nations encounter between England and Wales, a match the Welsh deserved to win although English fans were convinced their cause wasn't helped by several questionable decisions by Walsh.

It’s not just the English who have had problems with Walsh. Described by a fellow official in 2009 as a "walking timebomb", Walsh was once suspended for four months for verbally abusing Ireland’s Shane Horgan during a British and Irish Lions tour match in New Zealand in 2005. As recently as March this year, he had what one paper called a "physical altercation" with All Blacks centre Conrad Smith during a match between the Hurricanes and the Queensland Reds.

It was crass of the IRB to appoint Walsh as referee for this fixture. They know his reputation and they should have avoided the risk of any potential controversy by giving the game to another referee. Instead the most eagerly-anticipated match in Six Nations rugby for years is in danger of being overshadowed by a man who often gives the impression of believing spectators have paid to watch him, not the 30 players he should be officiating.

As for the rugby, England coach Stuart Lancaster has recalled the half-back pair of Owen Farrell and Ben Youngs, while also bringing back Joe Marler at loosehead prop. The scrum is an area where England believe they have an advantage, a belief strengthened with the withdrawal of Wales captain and flanker Ryan Jones through injury.

The Welsh, however, have a far superior backline to their visitors and their two giant wingers – the 6ft 4in George North and 6ft 6in Alex Cuthbert – will look to make yards out wide.

It will be a fascinating clash of styles as England chase that elusive Grand Slam and Wales know that victory by seven points or more will win them the championship title.

The roof of the Millennium Stadium will be closed so there'll be no chance of the weather ruining the occasion. Let's hope the referee doesn’t.

Read more: http://www.theweek.co.uk/rugby/52001/rugby-steve-walsh-six-nations-england-wales#ixzz2NjXxVnkd

Lions v Holmer Green - 6 March

Dan Fernandez writes:

A rousing end to the league campaign as the Lions grew in stature over the course of the season to bring home the bacon and finish up in 2nd place with a resounding win over Holmer Green.
Chesham Bois 1A won the league convincingly by 70 or so points, however, interestingly we beat them twice out of our 3 matches and were victorious on all 3 occasions v 3rd place Holmer Green.
So a bit like Spurs we performed well against the top tier but let ourselves down v some of the weaker opposition. If only we were more consistent it could have been a different story….
On to the match itself:
The pre-publicity machine of the Club Newsletter and Club email to members drew a decent crowd of spectators who witnessed a couple of close, entertaining matches followed by a couple of old duffers (me and Nic) romping home afterwards.
Holmer Green catching the GX trend only turned up with 4x players. Unlike last week when we had Napoleon on stand-by, this time Gareth was up for the challenge who whilst disappointed to not be playing topped-up his (beer) belly with beer as he viewed from the balcony.

Paul, back from a strained back whilst campaigning in the Nationals had a closer game than usual v Bucks County no5 Alex Hartley. Both players are incredibly mobile, very fit, and play a simple game with little mistakes. Paul however, always had the edge and controlled the key points to win 3-1.

Mark played James Harley at 2 who is half Mark’s age (25 v 50). Mark was below par claiming symptoms of man-flu and worried about his form as he hadn’t played for a WHOLE 3 days before this match. This was clearly visible as he lost the first two games in 5 mins. Then with CK offering to go on court with his crutches (and be faster around the court) Mark picked himself up went to work winning 3rd and 4th. The 5th was tough. James wanted to claim a notable scalp and Mark was resisting. The first few points were fierce with JH running around in circles chasing MTs shots. The ball kept coming back though and Mark capitulated 2-3.

Nic had a tricky match v Ben S who is 17 and fairly huge but strangely doesn’t whack the ball but regularly tries risky drops from back of the court. When they work he racks up the points but if you keep him moving and under pressure he is not such a force. Apart from a streak in 2nd Nic was on top and won 3-1.

I played Mark ‘Ironman’ Mellett who is like Gildersleeve on an ecstacy-acid combo. Virtually no shots but legs the size of tree trunks, he chases everything down like a hungry dog and quite flicky on the b/hand. I decided pace was the answer and whilst my fitness lasted I out-hit the runner, pinning him to the back and then feathering in a little drop. Three games was all I needed thankfully as I was lagging just as he was getting into his stride. 3-0

So with a forfeited 5th string we won 18-5 and 2nd place was ours.

Thanks to all the players who have represented the Lions this season, our sponsors - Carphone Warehouse for the team shirts, and the spectators who have cheered us on – it does make a difference.

Plans are afoot to enter a team or two in the Berks Summer squash league so let me know if you are interested in playing

Dan

CLUB NEWSLETTER 14.2.13

MATCHES AT HOME THIS WEEK

14th Ladies v Aylesbury
17th Juniors v Wycombe 2pm
19th 2nd Team v Holmer Green
21st Ladies 2nd v Burnham.

Beaconsfield Ladies 2 are currently top of the League with only three matches to go. We managed to achieve a really good result away to Farnham last week which hopefully cemented our position, but the match against Aylesbury is a little unknown, as they play them home and away within 2 weeks of each other. Hopefully they will do enough to win the league.

JUNIOR LEAGUES
These are enclosed and up in the club to be completed by 28.4.13. Please try and play all your matches to improve your squash and to ensure the league system works to best effect. In two leagues only 1 x match was played over the last session so try and do your best to organise and play your matches. Why not use the Easter holidays and perhaps combine with the Junior Easter training programme, details below.

JUNIOR BUCKS LEAGUE
Match report v Wendover Sunday 10 March - 0-5 to Wendover
Another strong effort from our developing team; they continue to improve performance in each match and are developing a good team spirit, including providing encouragement when teammates are having tricky games (fab to see!). On this occasion Wendover took the day through their consistent, precision shot placement, which proved that technical prowess trumps a game based solely on strength/hitting the ball as hard possible.
Team: Michael Mears, Harry Holmes, Ben Holmes, Jack Threlfall, Charlie Rose

JUNIOR HOLIDAY COACHING
Coaching led by Stefan Lubek and Natalie Machin will be held on the 8th, 9th & 10th April.
£15 per day per child (a minimum of 4 required to run this programme).
Please sign-up on the junior notice board.

EMAILS
We are actively striving to reduce the number of emails sent out from the club, but for the families amongst you who receive perhaps 4/5 emails per broadcast, please contact georgina@beaconsfieldsquashclub.co.uk who will assist in minimising these for you.

UP COMING EVENTS:

MARCH
16th Six Nations England v Wales*
16th Club Afternoon
23rd Junior Club Night with Fish & Chip Supper 5-8pm.
This is always extremely popular so please ensure you sign-up in the club.

APRIL
8th Club Night 6.30pm
w/c 20 Over 45/55's Club Tournament
26/27/28 Squash Club Championships

* Watch the Six Nations Rugby live at the club with Chairman's Bar Specials