The Bulls: A Season Reasoned

The Bull's wax lyrical on their season:

Chicken: 
Attendance: 19/20 (gutted not to make the last match). 
Reasonable success rate after a couple of dire performances at the start of the season. 
If I was a car I’d be a diesel VW Passat estate, with about 100,000 on the clock. Reliable, but no bird-puller!
Low point: being turned over for 3 points by the moribund old boys at Chesham at the start of the season, when the Pig had left me in charge. And then feeling compelled to buy Aubrey's second novel as a politeness.
High point: Stuffing it up them on their return to fortress Beaconsfield.

Camel: 
The Bulls have had some fantastic matches - spurred into action following the drubbing they got from the Seniors first match of the season. 
Div 2 has some great personalities and some very useful players of all shapes and sizes, from teenagers to veterans. 
It's been a real pleasure to be involved, and well played to the whole squad.

Koala: 

Nothing to say at the time of posting.
I'm sure that we'll fill this space as we approach time of reelection...
Do we reelect Dictators/Emperors?

Rhino: Season review as a Limerick;

For me it all started so well

Leading the 2nds right from the bell

However my form from the summer

Deserted me "what a  bummer"

So down the order I fell

While the 2nds challenged for the top

The Bulls seemed destined to drop

So I answered the call

To finally become a Bull

As the Bears had the cream off the crop

Pigs strategy for survival was set

And all challenges finally met

By those fine Bulls one and all

All answering our Captains call

And the promise of safety was kept

Fox: 
Considering our impediment at not having a recognizable No1 we remained upbeat if not competitive. The relative lightweights at 1 & 2 did put pressure on the rest of us through no fault of their own; we really needed to convert at 3, 4 & 5 to have any chance of winning a match. The pressure did tell occasionally with the odd grumpy outburst. I was self selected gobshite; various Bulls and Bears took it in turn to poke me with sticks and offer jibes and quotes, then ran for cover, disowning my frothy gibberish as it inevitably came forth. I'd like to apologies to anyone who got in between my rant and its intended target. Please forgive me...
We lost a lot, but lost close; quite a few 2-3s saw us occasionally deflated but still quietly compiling the points, points that eventually saw us over the finish line a little more comfortably than predicted. Although hobbled, knobbled and hamstrung for much of the time I loved the season; considering the pressure, we Bulls were a happy breed and had a fine time of it.
I'm hoping that our new club captain will see fit to keep the Bulls intact; however, if I had a wish for next season it would be simple: a Bull's head (preferably with horns) for the swollen body.
NB: Gazza; apparently there is such thing as a 'Bull Turtle'...

Highlights?
A late, non squash addition would be following Mearsy up a dark alley, witnessing him confronting a hooded suspect in the car park break in saga. His opening salvo of 'Excuse me mate, yes you...' was surely a full octave higher than intended and could only have been heard by dogs and Neil Young fans; priceless as his trembling falsetto descended to a ballsy baritone upon the arrival of a police van, and he started chewing imaginary gum... Bless.

Squash highlights:
- The Python's distress and ultimate resignation as he was overpowered and ruthlessly dismantled by the energetic and coltish Seb Monson. You don't see a flaccid Python that often; a rare sight indeed.
- Seb's distress as he was dismantled by the energy sponge that is the Camel in the return fixture; revenge not so much served cold but with a tag tied to its toe...
- The Camel's swearing; truly a master of the art.
- The pointing of The Camel anus at any opponent, retrospectively either a sign of supplication or as a challenge to do battle, depending on its effectiveness.
- Off the back of a victory against Toby, Mearsy's misplaced cheeky chutzpa as we drove to an away match for his first appearance as Bull's Number 1. He got 5 points I believe...
- Mearsy's churlish chutzpa as the 'shark eyes' returned for a magnificent final salvo, winning at No1 against Buckingham's Torben.
- The Chicken's gutsy consistency. Even his losses were closely fought. I'd call him a shining Beaconsfield beacon but he'd think I was referring to his pate... so I won't...
- The Rhino's late addition. Hapless and helplessly out of touch and form he still wrung many a vital point out of the misery by digging deep. Tiny talent, big heart.
- Finally, The Pig was a magnificent skipper. Selfless and always 'up', he absorbed the bullshit admirably, kept us abreast of 'The Math' and fought like a Trojan even in the most hopeless of match ups. 

And my highlight of the year?
The Pig putting in new contact lenses for the first time ever for his final game of the season against Buckingham. He came on court with the manic stare of a man with pebbles in his sockets. At the end of the first rally he rubbed his eyes and sent both lenses to the back of his head where they stayed for the duration. It didn't improve his mood and some indifferent marking from the ever benign Camel extracted much Pig bile: 7 'cocks' and a 'fuckwit' to be precise; out 'Cameling' the Camel. Kudos!

Lowlights?
The euphoria of welcoming Powell to the Bull pen only to have him redirected to go shit in the woods.

What a waste of talent...

The attempted rendering of me blind by two fellow Bulls:
Camel: Left eye: Metal ruler
Chicken: Right eye: Over exaggerated backhand follow through.
Call me 'paranoid' but I suspect a 'hit'...

My player of the season? 
It's got to be a tie between Pig and Chicken. Virtually ever present they battled manfully against all odds; Brave Bulls indeed.

Big Bird should get an honourable mention for her inadequacy behind the bar. She might be the worst maid in the county but at least she's consistent. Her 'Malteser Send Off' is now legend around the visiting clubs. It doesn't matter how many times you go to the back of that queue for another turn, Koko's always in front of you... even if he's playing away. How does he do that?

Anyway, enough banter; I'm a busy man.
I've got to either go and coach Chris Hosey or clean the oven.
Tough choice eh?

Python: Unavailable for comment, 'Shagging' apparenty...

Gnat: Unavailable for comment. Unrelated to the above...

Dodo: Plenty of comment; insufficient time to edit.

Squirrel: Nowt worth printing but promises to be fit for next season.

Skipper's Report: Ian Piggin: Bulls 2012/2013 vintage:

This will have to be brief as I'm supposed to be working and the editor (Trev) has demanded copy asap.

After a summer of intense inter-team captain negotiation, the Bulls were formed, looking remarkably similar to the previous year.   

After the initial hiccup losing 16-4 to Chesham seniors (note to self: never leave Jim as captain in my absence, although he redeemed himself many times after that), we've managed to pull together a decent year end position, finishing with 223 points and comfortably mid-table.  Its never been easy.  Despite winning 9 matches, its been something of a struggle, especially in the second half where the prospect of relegation started to loom large.  Div 2 has been very competitive this year.

Kevin/chairman/Koala: started off the season with the occasional appearance at 4 or 5.  As his shoulder healed/loosened/fixed itself, got increasingly competitive.  Ever fearless and experienced was called upon for q4 no 1 duties. A good leader in the team

Me/Pig: newbie captain:  good at administration (sexy stuff of course), but struggled at 1.  Did the honorable punchbag thing for 3 quarters.

Chris/Rhino: parachuted in for q4 and made a difference.  A man of experience and a degree of professionalism not usually required/wanted of a Bull.  Steadied the ship whilst we (or me in particular) might have panicked.  Did a job for us in q4.  Much appreciated

Jim/Chicken: played every game, save for last night.  I need to do the math, but I reckon scored better than anyone else.  Had the occasional "loss of mojo" but a fantastic team player. 

Nigel/Camel: wheezed his way around court for most of the season, albeit interrupted whilst he recovered from shoulder barging the forehand wall in court 4.  Nigel tries so hard, you can feel his pain.  Wins very often as well.

Trev/Fox: Trev spent the year winning easily (when uninjured) or losing easily (when injured) but throughout plying his flicky, droppy mercurial talents. Off court, there was some back-seat driving of the team, but experience is often welcomed, but not always in this case. Very notable for supporting the team at two away games when not actually playing. A true Bull through and through.  Turned up for the first game a week early…………………

Ches/Python: I continue to marvel at his drops and drop volleys. I can’t recall if it’s a badminton thing or table tennis, but when they work they are unplayable.  When they don't, he runs a lot. Ches turned out for us a lot during the year (including for away games - yep, that’s right, away games).

St. John/Squirrel: played a couple of times at the start of the season before succumbing to niggles.  Shame as his pre-season form was damn impressive

Nathalie/Gnat: it was a tough 2012/2013 season for Gnat suffering from a bit/lot of overtraining/playing and then a bad back injury. I saw her on court last night. All the best for a swift recovery

Bullard/Dodo: played away at Holmer Green and took a bit of a pasting from a teenager I recall.  Never responded to any of my emails after that point……..

Highlight of the season: as a rookie captain, avoiding relegation

Low point: sometime in Q3 when already dealing with being rookie captain and playing at 1 (and generally being spanked), the prospect of relegation started to emerge. All good experience for the future... I regret not having the opportunity to rotate the team as much as I'd like. We never were as comfortable as the table now shows - it really all was down to the last match of the season. 

Strangely it now seems, our weekly relegation battles will be hugely missed. Until next season no doubt...

Pig