'Lack of Talent' Evening: 7pm Saturday 26th November

'Lack of Talent' Evening 

Disappoints no-one...

Written by: Bob 'Ten Thumbs' Heard

The squash club hosted a very successful "Lack of Talent" Music Night on Saturday 26 November with it's own newly formed group, "THE AVERAGE WRIST BAND", turning out to be anything but average! Popular opinion from the 40 or so people who attended was that the night proved to be great fun, with good food and (surprisingly) good music. Dave Stamp was also happy with the healthy bar takings. Songs ranged from 'Knockin' on Heaven's Door', through 'Summer of 69' to the favourite, 'Johnny B Goode'.
Go on, press 'Play'.

An audience Song Book enabled the occasional group sing-along, and even encouraged a few hardy souls to venture to the front and join in on lead vocals.

At one stage the drummer, Bob Powell, donned a Gorilla Suit for the Phil Collins/Cadbury Chocolate hit, 'In the Air Tonight'... apparently Bob's wife Glynis wants to keep the suit and send Bob back to the hire shop!

Other band members were Paul Austin (Bass and Keyboard), Tim Westall (Lead Guitar), Bob Heard and his brother-in-law Barry McDonagh (Acoustic/Rhythm Guitars) and Jerry Gray (Vocals).
The band's appearance fee has apparently now been doubled to a dollar, but you had better get in quick if you want to book them for your own special event; there'a a rogues gallery below to see what you might get if you give a buck...

Lions Updates (Holmer Green & Chesham Bois Results)

Lions Updates (Holmer Green & Chesham Bois Results)
Match Report: Dirty


Lions Back on Top


Lions v Holmer Green (16/11)


What a difference 7 days can make.... 
After a strong result beating Holmer Green 4-1 (17-5) at home (9/11), the following week (16/11) we played HG away. 
Unfortunately injuries are impacting on our ability to play a regular team (previously a key strength) so yet again we were calling on our 2nd team compardres to support us. 

Due to the 15 year age gap between HG's Young Bucks and our ageing cavaliers they 'accidentally-on-purpose' turned the heating up to max and left it on all day so seriously impacting on the ability of our stroke-makers to play any winners and playing into the hands of the oppo's retrieving ability

Paul was not available so Mark stepped into the breach at 1 and playing his nemesis Alex Hartley found him too strong in each department and unable to gain any advantage. 0-3. 

CK was injured so Matt played at 2 vs Tor. Matt is difficult to fathom out as he looks so smooth but often lacks the tenacity to dig out results. Well tonight was different and he played superbly running Tor around, and pushing all the (many) balls that came back into every corner and then making the winning shot. A great game which Matt deservedly won 3-2 

At 3 Nic played James Hartley who he beat for 2 points the week before. James had gone walkabout then but aided by the sauna-like conditions the match was played in, he was back to his usual standard and in a close game Nic could not find enough to make the difference 0-3 

Thanks at 4 and 5 to Neil and Oliver for stepping to help us out. 
Neil at 4 had a tough match against Ozzie Must-go-on-a-diet who is a class player yet Neil got stuck in and battled well to go 2-0 up. Ozzie realising he had a game on his hands knuckled down and took charge to win 3-2 but good points from Neil 

At 5 Oliver, having missed his Bears match whilst on England duty on Tues at Wembley stepped in at the last minute but was always struggling on the back foot against a lively Ben Sheldon who was too quick for Oliver's shots to make an impact. 

Final scores on the doors 8-15

-----------------------------------------
Lions: Roaring or Yawning?

23/11 Lions v Chesham Bois 1 
Report: Dirty

After a 1-4 loss earlier in the season, with a full strength Lions team out we were hoping for a victory - albeit on paper most of the games were predicted to be closely fought. 

Paul at 1 got us rolling in the right direction playing Phil Taylor. Phil has transferred over from Holmer Green to play at No1. Against most teams he is able to compete but despite youth and some lovely shots on his side, Paul was always in control picking up everything with interest and making Phil work for every point. Cool, calm and collected 3-0 

At 2 Mark played Tim King who is like Tigger on acid. Mark's best shots (you know that annoying really low sliced forehand drop he hits with no back swing) were no problem for Tim and every rally was long and punishing for both. After 30 mins and 1-1 , the 3rd was going to be decisive and at 5-5 a few simple errors put Mark behind 1-2. Unfortunately the 4th followed a similar path. 1-3 

CK was outgunned at 3 by the ever improving fast hitting Dan Colquhoun. Despite a tight 1st CK could not get over the gain line. 0-3 

At 4 Nic played Paul Bolden, both good shot makers, both on the wrong side of 40 and against any rallies over 5 shots. Nic initially took charge 2-0. Paul battled back extending the rallies and pushing Nic to the back. At 8-6 up in 4th Paul served and unexpectedly his racket disintegrated on impact with the ball. Nic hit the winner and went to serve. Paul asking for a let was refused and 4 shots later Nic won 10-8. 3-1. Weird. 

At 5 I played the rangey Sam Pothecary. All legs and enthusiasm but not hugely skilled. Foolishly I was playing with a tight hamstring and after a tentative 1st at 7-1 up in the 2nd it went. Retreating to the WKP style 'lob-serve-1-shot-volley-winner-or-die-approach', I managed to win 2nd, lost 3rd as rooted to the spot after each shot, but fought back as the ball got colder to game point in 4th only to blow out 9-10. 1-3. 

So a 2-3 loss, 8-14. Mid table mediocrity. 

Bulls v Chesham Bois Wrinklys (21/11/2011)

Bulls a Ticking Time Bomb; Crusties Creamed while Pete Pants in his Pants.

I have to be careful here; apparently we have a mole in the club (main suspect; think: pickled egg with glasses) who is forwarding this libelous nonsense on to the other competing clubs of this fair county.
So, we faced the elderly gents of Chesham Bois (I used to spell it 'Boys' afore I saw these old goats) who were delivered to the club in a white council van which smelt of pee and TCP.
I asked one them, "what's your name and what number are you playing?"
He replied "Dunno, ask Matron..."

St John took to the court with the exuberance of a corpse.
He must remember that this is a spectator sport.
If I were his sponsor I... wouldn't be.
The main reason to watch this fading ex international is for betting purposes: how many minutes into the game will he:
- mouth the 'seeyounexttuesday' word whilst giving the impression of sucking a lemon
- successfully place his signature half court, cross court half volley into the tin
- gaze up at the gallery with a word bubble above his head proclaiming "Legs Gone, Help...."
Fair play though, the boy's coming back to something like form that suggests an inkling of a whiff of the shadow of his former self.
Sad to report that there was an unfortunate incident in the showers later between St. John and Mark, his oppo.
Apparently all the old fella said was "I didn't think you were a real 'ginger'..."
3-0 win


Natalie took to the court agin Mick O'Sullivan, a veritable Beauty v Beast clash.
Mick is the hairiest of arses, Natalie not; so a real contrast of ancient wisdom v willowy willfulness.
Mick's canny racket skills baffled Nat early doors; our gal is used to more traditional fare and Mick's bag o' tricks was bewildering and frustrating her. Mick was 2-0 up when the tide turned; youth started to tell; Natalie nailing her drops and hitting high, looping lobs to nullify Mick's killing volleys. As each player tired their retarded dance became slow and clumsy; things turned ugly; Mick body checked Natalie, Nat twatted the 'O' in the mouth with an 'exaggerated' follow through. We had a street fight on our hands. She was 2-1 and 8-3 down but Natalie's short game was starting to tell; Mick's excellent court coverage was questioned; his legs said 'yes', his gaunt, pallid features proclaimed 'F*CK NO'. Two all, Natalie coughing her lungs up, Mick inwardly combusting, he was still nicking crafty points, but Natalie bravely fronted him up to nick the 5th. They say that sport reveals character and this was a huge revelatory curve for young Ms Machin. We all descended for a victory kiss and cuddle; Irene brushed away the puckering pillocks while Howard brushed away a tear...
Meanwhile, we hope that Mick fully recovers from his wounds...
3-2 win

I was playing Chris Jordan who is a crafty, canny mix of flicks and slo' mo' intent; he never really lets you get going if you... let him; so I tried to bully and force the game with a mixture of unconventional 'old man's squash' and aggression; it all came off a bit gay hissyfit but seemed to bedazzle (or seduce) Chris who was happy to squeeze my palm and head for the bar.
3-0 win


Jim hit the court against Rob Ballingall who seems to be growing as a squash player as his body withers; it must be a bit like being spirited around the court by the Ghost of Christmas Past; his delayed drops and exaggerated follow through threw our boy and found Jim's jaw made of glass. No worries though, Coop's is making a habit of picking himself up off the floor to dominate the later rounds and he did so, flooring the venerable veteran 9-0 in the 5th.
Mr Burns is no sore loser and exited the showers happy with a new 'Americana' look that surely impressed our lovely bar maid, Big Bird.
3-2 win


The Camel took to the floor against Pete Smith who was attired in what looked like incontinence pants (see right); surely they were just for the warm up?
No, apparently they had some regenerative quality that made Pete impervious to pain (and ridicule). There was much heckling:
"Christ, they must be comfortable"
"Do they have a post code?"
"Bicycle clips anyone?"
"Yes Pete, your bum does look big in those" etc
Peter is obviously insensitive (or deaf) and rose above the brainless banter.

Meanwhile the Camel was akimbo; Peter's athletic volleying and canny court coverage was rattling our Nige; "HE'S EVERYWHERE" he wailed as Pete negated the Camel's early dominance to tie the game at 2-2. Both battlers were knackered, time for a sup or two between points for the marker; oh, and apparantly my marking sucked; there were some 'sideways glances' from the bois in the gallery. The 5th was no anti climax: both players blazing a glory trail with Pete just coming up short. The Camel's victory celebration was phlegmy, static and 'L' shaped...
3-2 Win

It was great that we ended with the Match of the Evening; a fine evening at that with worthy opponents, vanquished but veritable.
There's life in the old dogs yet as shown in this candid as the Old Bois took it in turns 'disciplining' our ever willing Big Bird.

If Matron lets them out for the night I'm sure they'll be keen to turn the tables for the away leg; although the Bulls are starting to show that they do possess a huge pair of...

Super 2nds Ground High Flying RAF (22/11/2011)

Super 2nds v RAF

Report from Gareth Ashington 

(seen right on his holidays)

Unsurprisingly RAF field a team with 2 tache’s, one appropriate and the other absolutely not! Still Tony who was walloped by Trevor recently and insulted in the ensuing match report took all piss taking like a man!

First up was Kevin and Bob – Kevin played Lee Cobley who has that air of amiable military stiffness about him, and I am not referring to his shorts! Lee started at a tremendous pace and Kev was still dreaming of Las Vegas and Lee took it 9-2. Lee was unlikely to be able to keep going at the same pace and Kev began to slow the pace and throw in drops and boasts with the famous exaggerated drops, still working to the uninitiated after all these years! Kev took the next 3 games. 3-1 to Kev

Bob- Len Bettrell – I think I saw Len smile once all evening so playing Bob with all the banter, show boating etc was an interesting matchup. I was with Mick O’Sullivan on the gallery who commented on Bob’s hair – I thought Bob was ginger?! Bob is now the backbone of the team, playing good squash and gives everything each week to secure the win. Bob ran out 3-0 and put us 2-0 up in the match.

Next was Chris v the excellent Paul Warner who should be gracing Div 1. He turns out most weeks for RAF knowing that he won’t truly be tested (no dis-respect Chris) and what a good example that is! Chris lost the first 2 games to 4 points and managed to get 7 in the last. 3-0 to Paul.

Phillip C-Luck v Tony Ruddock – the young man with the tache – and a lefty! I didn’t see the match as I was playing at the same time. Phillip lost 3-1 in close games and is slowly getting the match sharpness again.

Gareth v Nige Peters – I had a feeling that I needed to win to secure the team win and took the first 9-1. The second was closer and I won that 9-5 by which time Nige was looking downcast. I managed to close out the 3^rd 9-2. 3-0 to me.

Match score 3-2 and 14-7. 

The 2^nd s v The Bulls is shaping up nicely for 6^th December. 

James Wyatt is making his second team appearance for the 2^nd’s. 

Highlight of the night? 

Trevor opening empty curry cartons!

Bears Toothless against Holmer Green 2

Bears Whimper against Holmer Green 2

Match Report: Dave 'Captain Kangaroo' Fielding

Not the best of nights for us. Captain Olly had to pull out at the last minute as he went on a Loyalty Building course at Wembley Stadium (along with 46,000 others, including some Swedes apparently) which left us a bit thin. Not good when HG put out a decent 5.

Toby started off like a train against young Ben Sheldon, winning the first game 9-1. Admittedly, Ben spent most of that game finding out exactly where the top of the tin was, and once he'd located it and aimed a bit higher, he took Toby to task. 6/9, 6/9, 5/9 was, by his own admission, a bit flattering to the Big Guy. Ben is a quality player (1-3)

Andrew Egan stepped in to cover for AWOLiver, but it wasn't a happy evening for the pseudo-Taffy. He's struggling a bit at the moment with a heavy work commitment and a back which has all the flexibility of Margaret Thatcher in her prime. Came up against another quality player in Ross Baker and came away with only a handful of points. Give this man a sabbatical. (0-3)

I went in at 3 against Mark Mellar for what was one of the more curious games of the evening. For the first game I was nothing short of a squash god, imperiously controlling the rallies and despatching the winners with utter aplomb. I barely broke sweat, walked off thinking I was too good to lose and promptly lost the next three games, the last one an abject 0-9. Mark is extremely fit and chases everything down, but how I went from Colossus to Chump in one game still has me scratching my head (1-3)

Jo Lady Bear did something similar, though not as bad, in her game. Won a hard-fought first 9-7 against Darren Thompson but then couldn't keep up the momentum. Those infamous chop drops from the back just weren't coming off. Hangover from the Inter-Counties, perhaps? (1-3)

By far the most entertaining match came at 5 between our super stand-in Mike Atkinson and Paul "The Comet" Haley, ex of these pastures. Apparently, he moved up to Holmer Green because he "couldn't stand any more of Jones' bulls**t any more." Or something like that. The squash equivalent of Wacky Races, this match was an absolute nightmare to mark because neither player appeared to have a clue as to how to move on a squash court and kept confusing an open space with each other. Atko took the first with some impressive depth and volleying, but then The Comet blazed back (do you see what I did there? I"m available for freelance articles). Atko retaliated, but then his mistake count started to rise as the lack of match practice kicked in. The resistance flared briefly to make it 2-1, but then fizzled out (that's enough appalling firework metaphors. ed). Well played to Mike anyway, and thanks for standing in and getting us a couple of valuable points.

 

So, a 5-0, 19/5 drubbing made for a downbeat curry. 

With some tough matches coming up, we need to sharpen up and our captain to realign his priorities...

(The Real) Captain Bear

Match Report: Super 2nds v Holmer Green 3rds

Super 2nds v Holmer Green 3rds
Match Report: Chris Guildersleve

Kevin and Gareth were "Viva'ing Las Vegas" I had the role of  Captain this Tuesday;

A rather different line up this week for the Super (?) Seconds (which could easily be a reference to the helpings) who faced Holmer Green 3 this week.

Young James Wyatt was 1st on at 5 against Alex Hartley's dad Mike. A close opening game saw James out 7-9 with both players getting a run of points with what looked at 1st  like Mike finding a weakness at the front of court but the pace and pressure from James was enough to see it through. Not entirely sure if I can take any credit for what was to follow as my advice to James in the interval was to ease up a little on the pace and concentrate a little more on accuracy but  we witnessed a demolition thereon with Mike earning just 1 point out of the next two games. My understanding is the Trevor has placed a bet with this young steed that he will not beat him before his next birthday, he is 12! by the way (not Trevor!). Well all I can say is I hope Mr Jones has wagered a manageable sum as he will not hold onto his money the boy is ready for you now. It will credit an audience. The lad has an impressive array of shots that he is not shy of playing, he has even perfected the bewildered stare for the marker (there were a couple of shocking decisions akin to Trevor's recent display) but to his credit allowed his racket to do the talking.

Richard Graham very kindly filled Chez's shoes last minute. He too has a very tight 1st game with Chris Walters just losing out 10-8 with a spirited running game and a couple of trademark winners. This game tool its toll on Richard who was working hard and was unable to sustain any pressure on his opponent losing 9-5 9-2.

Phillip C. Luck was next at 3 vs. Dean Herrity. Warm courts we not suiting Phil's deft front crosscourt play enabling Dean time to pile drive the returns (he hits a mean ball) never allowing Phil to settle down. 9-4 9-1 9-1

I was next at 1 vs Dan Proctor. The man must do stuff in the gym as he is ripped (Neil Davies spent quite sometime in the showers with him) but I was able to kick a little sand in his face and ran out a 6-9 4-9 9-10 winner.

So we are 2-2 with the aforementioned Mr Davies on the other court dealing very handily with Lol Ransley  7-9 2-9 6-9. I did not see any of this but Neil looked pretty fresh post match.

Taking the spoils 6-13 with a few players missing was a good result...

There we were all finished by 9.15 with all games going to 3. Even caught the last 10mins of the football! 

RAF at home next Tuesday.

Tennis at 'The White House'

Earlier this year a select few were invited to the White House in Denham to partake in Phillip Courtenay- Luck's annual tennis tournament. The weather was fine, the competition stiff and the company excellent.

Things kicked off controversially though; in the very first game I was up against our host Phil who had obviously heard about my tennis pedigree and was standing yards behind the baseline awaiting my first serve. Now, this is a competition n'est pas? So I shaped to hammer the serve then snuck in a sliced underhand serve that PCL stumbled forward for, netting the ball (after the 2nd bounce) and wrapping himself around the said net. He wasn't happy: "Not in the spirit of the game!" he exclaimed and turned to Howard Machin for support and a ruling. Now Howard hadn't seen any of this; he was just tucking into his 2nd glass of Phil's "exceptional" Sauvignon Blanc and knew where his bread was buttered; backing Cluck to the hilt. Shameful. I was forced to replay the point and double faulted...

There was still much to admire on the day; 

- the elegance (and short skirts) of Di and Louise Dyson

- Katy Cooper's perfect, text book style as she said 'sorry' after each exquisitely placed shot

- Jim's dynamic play, very muscular and brutally focussed
- Mearsy disproving that old fashion maxim that black is slimming

- Cluck's ability to endorse that old volleying maxim "keep your nose over the net", and doing so from the baseline...

- Chris Guildersleve's scurrying attempts to cover the court as partner Georgina 'Whatever' Mears posed elegantly, indifferent to any approaching ball

- The village idiots Alex D and Michael M and their hapless scoring and ball boy shufflings

- St. John's ruthlessness, in hammering the ball at all women and small children's bodies. He didn't make many friends in the crowd that day...

- Irene's beautiful cream tea designed to weigh all but Phil down before the semi finals

- the beauty of the White House and environs at sunset

- and finally, Howard's ability to imbibe 2 bottles of the afore mention Blanc and still win the tournament with his witless partner (moi)... btw some wag suggested that my hairstyle makes me look like a lesbian tennis player.
What do you think?

After the action we took to the pool for a peeing competition (didn't know that did you Phil?) and then, showered and gelled up, were treated to an excellent home prepared Indian banquet made by Irene Cluck's own fair hand, our charming hostess.

Howard fell off his chair after polishing off the day's 3rd bottle in celebration and we all skipped off happily into the night.
Thanks Phil & Irene. 

Here are a few photographic memories of a truly memorable day.