We Need You!

Marketing Sub Committee

Recently elected Committee member Dave Barker has agreed to form a small working group to try and generate some innovative new ways to market our club and drive up membership. The plan is to hold an initial meeting in the bar J and brainstorm how to do this e.g. make more of the web site, social media (Facebook/Twitter), leafleting at Beaconsfield station to commuters, member get member schemes, trial membership, racket ball taster sessions or anything else we can come up with.

We have already had interest to get involved from Gareth Ashington, Richard Monson, Jonathan Hilton, Josh Lubek, Paul Blanchot and Deborah Holmes 

If you want to get involved then please RSVP to Dave Barker on the email below

Many thanks 
david.barker@navteq.com

Over 45 County Weekend

This just in from Dirty Dan:


Over 45 County Weekend

Beaconsfield club members were in action over the weekend as Bucks successfully retained their Premier league status.

Mark Treadwell, CK Foo and Dan F (yes l know he doesn't look a day over 40) played at nos 3, 4, 5.

We pulled off 2x victories beating Yorkshire 5-0, Essex 3-2 and narrowly lost 2-3 to hosts Cheshire, so finishing 2nd overall and avoiding relegation from the top flight.

Highlights included:
- Mark Treadwell losing to a chap who looked old enough to be his father but was actually younger than him
- CK winning 3-0 despite pulling his hamstring in 2nd 
- DF winning all 3 with only 1x match going to 5
- Buying a round of 6x drinks for less than a tenner
- Sitting in Altringham Costa Coffee and enjoying the local 'scenery'

Oh happy days....

Bulls take on Booker tomorrow...

Ok, so we were beaten 3-2 (16-8) by lofty Holmer Green 2 but, ever hopeful, we take to the road for Booker tomorrow eve.
Have we learnt anything from last week's defeat?
Yup:
The Camel (lost) is not really that good but is a generous chauffeur...
Coop's (won) is in the form of his life (just above 'average' then...)
St Piggin (lost) is so honest that he refuses strokes even when offered and will continue to do so as long as there a Cod in heaven and his penitent chain sits snug in his hair lined undies....
I (won) will never again attempt a backhand reverse corkscrew service on match point...
Natalie (lost) must believe that victory does not necessarily necessitate a 'victory' kiss (and cuddle) from the Camel...
Interesting report rom our swaggering Bear, thanks Magic.
Interestingly, no match report from the Super 2nds. I was interested to find out why two of their number (Napoleon & Grumpa Bholla) were running themselves into the ground with the Foo Man for 40 minutes, just before they were due on court... unsurprisingly they both went down limply... surely a fine Gazza?

Match Report: Bears v Holmer Green 3

As written by Toby 'Magic' Johnson...

 

So we turned up to the "cow shed" (Andrew Egan - 2009, 2010 and 2011) that is Holmer Green squash club with a FULL COMPLIMENT OF BEARS SQUAD MEMBERS in search of a much needed victory to try and continue the good start to the year that we have made. Having beaten this team convincingly in the first half of the season it is fair to say that yours truly walked into the club with a certain swagger (when don't I?), fully confident of recording a resounding victory in double quick time.

 

First up in trough number one was the lesser spotted Mike Chapples. For those of you who don't know, Mike has been suffering with a multitude of injuries and ailments this year that has prevented him from representing the Bears. However, Mike obviously thought that enough was enough and he wasn't going to let a niggly calf and some cracked ribs get in the way of a solid squash performance. He didn't disappoint. Mike was imperious and rattled out a quick 3-0. Enough said.

 

Second up in trough number two was Lady Bear Jo Smalley. Jo had the great misfortune of playing an older gent who went by the nickname 'The Punisher'. I can only imagine that this nickname related to some extracurricular activities as it certainly didn't have anything to do with his squash. This rather disturbing image unsettled Jo's usual game and she soon found herself 2-1 down.

 

It was at this moment that the team sage, Mr Andrew 'Welshy' Egan, stepped up to the plate and used his years of managerial experience to subtly point Jo in the right direction.

 

Andrew - DO YOU HAVE SOMEWHERE ELSE TO BE?

Jo - What do you mean?

Andrew - STOP TRYING TO WIN THE BLOODY THING SO QUICKLY AND PLAY SOME RALLIES.

Jo - Okay

 

Jo won the next two games and recorded a well deserved 3-2 victory. We would like to thank Andrew for his tact and grace.

 

So 2-0 up and the night was looking good.

 

On to court stepped yours truly.

 

As soon as I stepped on court I knew something was up. Holmer Green had either been picked up and put in the middle of the Sahara or someone had informed Homer Green squash club of my achilles heel (Trevor?) and they had been gradually heating the court up to astronomical levels since lunchtime. Safe to say it was the latter, and on spotting this I immediately asked the marker in my best English to "turn the f*cking heating off". "I don't have the key to the controls" was the response!

 

So there I was, on a blistering hot court with none other than a bloody fitness instructor. What followed was one of the most unpleasant matches of my squash career, wading through puddles of sweat to play one loose shot after another. Fortunately, I would appear to have gained some fitness in recent weeks and managed to grind my way to a 3-1 victory, a win that was made slightly less disgusting by the fact that I actually managed to run the fitness instructor into the ground (quite literally on a couple of occasions when my opponent ending up doing some rather painful looking splits as a result of some over eager lunges). He was recovering from Bronchitis, but I'll choose to ignore that.

 

3-0 up, the match was won and now all we had to do was put the icing on the cake and take the full 19 points home.....

 

Fortunately, the fact that I was in an epic struggle on the surface of the sun meant that I did not have the great misfortune of watching Andrew's match, although we did have a quick chat in the break after the first game where the only thing he could say was "I can't see the ball". It didn't sound like things were going very well, and sure enough they weren't. Andrew lost 3-0, a match that was apparently more notable for the quick exit Andrew had to make before the end of the second game to have a sit down rather than for any sort of squash.

 

Last up was the ever present Captain Bear Oli Reeves. Oli has unfairly been given the nickname of Lazy Bear in the past and he certainly dispelled that myth with his performance - demonstrating pace, power, precision, panache and superb dexterity to entertain the masses who were watching agog from the balcony. Oh no... wait ... that was Mike in the first match. Oli lost 3-0 in what was, to be honest, a rather lacklustre performance. No one was more disappointed than Oli, who has since declared that he shall be mending his ways - starting with the Tread Gaz challenge.

 

So, in the end we managed to secure a 3-2 win and 13 points. Not a bad performance against a Holmer Green who are much improved and keen to try and stay up in League 2. All in all a good result for the Bears. Bring on the RAF next week, it's a home match if anyone is interested in coming along and supporting.

 

Magic

 

 

 

 

 

Club Social: Rebellion Tour

On Tuesday 7^th February we will be hosting a “Beer Tour “ to the famous Rebellion Brewery down at Marlow. 

We have a bus to take us from the Squash club down to the brewery and back.

Bus leaves Squash Club at 7.15pm and will be back at the club by 10pm

It is a great night out with plenty of beer to try and BBQ  food available

As some of “the tour” is outside dress up warm

£10 per person includes beer and transport

Those who have been will tell you this is a great night out so get booked up quickly to be assured of a place on the bus

RSVP by email asap

 For more info: http://myweb.tiscali.co.uk/beerglasscollector/Rebellion_Brewery_Visit.htm 

Not Squash But Still Worth Your Attention

You may hear the song on the radio and think 'so-so' but then you see them performing it live 

(no, really, live) and it's gobsmacking...

It's had nearly 40 million hits in 20 days... 

Apparently the live (yes, really, live) video took 26 takes and 14 hours of filming 

to nail a mistake-free performance.
I'd love to see Bob Heard and Tim Westall attempt this at the next music evening... 

It's good to know that Eric Cantona (seemingly far right) 

has given up his thespian ambitions and is back to his 'head smacking' best...

WKP's South Pacific Adventure

You can follow Willy's adventure (detailed below) on his blog:
http://willieinthesouthpacific.wordpress.com
For easy future access you could just hit the same button/link that I've posted at the bottom of the blog intro above.

Here's Willy...

I am going for a world record in getting time off from being a responsible parent and dumping everything on my wife in the interim. I like to think of it as paving the way for more timid husbands to stretch the boundaries; trailblazing if you like.

The truth is that I would really like to take Sarah, but she is not into crossing oceans, yet...   
Those of you who know her, please look after her while I am gone.

My next big adventure is to sail half way across the Pacific Ocean crewing on a 53 foot blue water ketch. The boat is an Amel Super Maramu. There will be four of us on board. The owners, who sailed the boat to the Atlantic side of the Panama Canal last year, myself and one other crew, who I have yet to meet. I fly to meet everyone in Panama and we start by transiting the Panama Canal to the pacific side. Once we provision the yacht we will do a shakedown and training cruise to the Las Perlas Islands. The Las Perlas Islands are the little group of islands in what looks like a bay surrounding Panama before you reach out into the Pacific proper. 
Assuming everything is in working order, we will then set off for the Galapagos islands about a thousand miles away. The timeline is about a week to get through the Canal, a week to provision the yacht on the Panama side, a week shake down cruise to Las Perlas islands and then a further week at sea non-stop to the Galapagos. More on subsequent plans in later posts but overall the aim is to get to Tahiti and fly back by mid/late June. The yacht and the rest of the crew are carrying on to New Zealand but my licence from the family rightly does not extend that far. 
Wish me luck and look out for subsequent posts.

Inspirational Talks

As part of the club's new social agenda Mears, our beloved Chairman, and centre court pin up and heart throb Mark Treadwell have arranged to present an evening of motivational talks.
These will involve on and off court models for 'a better life'.
Posters will go up around the changing rooms with the dull details, but I can give you a sneak preview of their proposed subject matter: Mark will start things off with a lecture entitled, 'Coming or Going?' in which he details and discusses the vagaries of lets, strokes and... life, followed by a brief but focussed rant on 'personal grooming'...

Then on to the main feature: Napoleon will continue his quest for world domination 

with the subject closest to his heart....

Tread Gaz Challenge: Treaders Speaks...

Just an update on the sprint challenge in case any of you old codgers think you can better our time. Most of you are aware of my lazy nature & reliability on pure talent. Gareth does occasionally get his whip out & force me to do things I rather wouldn't. However, I am disappointed in our time & know it can be beaten. I just need someone decent in my team! Me? I feel like I'm getting younger everyday!

Tread Gaz Challenge Update: A Carrot Dangled

Regarding the 'Tread Gaz Challenge': The prize will be £100 out of Ashington Page coffers and Gareth suggests that the competition goes to the end of Feb; so £50 to each player. Andy Longman vouchers or cash to charity? Your veracity would be much appreciated...

The 'Tread Gaz' Challenge: I'm Lugging It...

Gareth Ashington has requested me to post this as a 'mini social event'.

Now, I've been chez Gazza and he and Anna are perfect and charming hosts, but it makes you wonder about his pleasure threshold.

As you can see, the challenge is being sponsored by McDonalds who will be supplying complimentary wheelbarrows (if needed).

We look forward to receiving your times, particularly the Lol/Stampy combo who will replace the stop watch with a calendar...

Today Gareth and Mark, with a combined age of 94 years, set down a challenge to any pair to beat their time. 

The mission if you choose to accept is;

Court sprint the following pyramid of sprints – 10, 20, 30, 40, 30, 20, 10 – a total of 160 court sprints each. Player A runs 10 sprints and upon completing touches the back wall and then Player B sets off etc.

Don’t forget to start your timer. 

We managed 16 minutes 20.77 seconds and will now wait to be challenged. 

Any pairing that feels up to it can have a go and report time to Trevor. 

If there is interest Gareth will donate a prize to the eventual winner and is thinking of a “live” final with 2 pairs on court to decide the outright winner. 

This event could be turned into a mini social event.    

Junior Squash

Dear Member,  

Firstly I wish you and your families a very healthy and happy New Year.

2012 will be a memorable year for its sporting focus with the Olympics and we also hope to bring you a memorable year for junior squash with a full programme of events.

  

 To start us off for the Winter Term and beyond, here are some key dates –

Junior ‘Roll-up’ - continues this year, Saturday from 5pm, commencing 7^th January £5 members £6 non members to play, includes a drink and packet of crisps;  what more could a child want!!! Mum and Dad can relax at the Bar.

Junior Leagues

A new league will commence on the 10^th of January and run to the 19^th of February.  Take advantage of the off-peak children’s rates of £1.10 to play and get your leagues played after school and at other off-peak times.

Junior Coaching with Andy Longman commences 21^st January for 10 weeks.

2-2.45  young beginners 5yrs - 9yrs 12 places available £65
2.45 - 3.45 older beginners and intermediates  10-14yrs 12 places available £75
3.45-5  older advanced players 12-18yrs 12 places available £85

To register please contact Andy 07977535916 or email longmansports@hotmail.co.uk

Junior Club Night

Due to the success of the last Junior Club Night we will hold these on a regular basis this year – the first two for your diary are February 4^th and March 3^rd 5:30pm till you need to take them home!!!, please register for this very popular night for Mum’s, Dad’s and children.  Members play free, £2 surcharge for non members so bring your friends.  Details of the supper to follow.

Junior School Holiday Programme

February 13^th to 15^th These will be run by Jim Carey please register in advance as there is a break even number required to run these courses.

                Beginners 1 hour – 9:30-10:30 £8 per session for 3 sessions £24

                Intermediate 1.5 hours – 10:30-12:00 £12 per session for 3 sessions £36

                Advanced 2 hours – 12:30-2:30 £16.00 per session for 3 sessions £48

Junior Club Championships – 21^st and 22^nd April – now open for registrations.

As always we welcome any feedback you have on how to improve the junior programme, please feel free to contact either myself or Dave Stamp.

We look forward to seeing you at the club.

Kind regards

Deborah Holmes

Match Report: Bulls v Chesham Bois Upstarts (The Return)

Bulls and Bears.
Friend or Foe?
I'm confused; this was the return match of our pre Xmas homer; and we got through by the skin of our teeth. Sickness or indifference accounted for Coops, Natalie, St. John, Piggin, so we had to dredge the depths and came up with a strange source of salvation... the 3 Bears.
Quite why Mummy Bear (Jo) Daddy Bear (Dave F) and Baby Bear (Bullard) were available to us was a matter of some discussion;
The Bears had a match but saw fit to feature half of the 2nds rather than their own creed; what a strange breed those Big Bossy Bears are...
Anyway, our skipper had no choice but to beg and 2nd rate Bears is what we got; just as well; they saved our Bullish bacon:

Nigel v Sam
The usual fire and ice combo; Sam all muscular tension, the Camel everything but. Our captain adopted his now famous 'sh*tting dog' stance and bewildered the beast, although Sam did well to nick a game; she is developing a short game to go with the 'crash bang'. A good start then...
(3-1)

Me v Chris
I beat Chris 3-1 at our gaff; he did likewise yesterday; cutting down on his errors, he was just too dynamic for this aging clown. My 'be nice/be nice/be nice' resolution is going... nicely, but has rendered me a little toothless.
(1-3)

Dave F v Phil
Yootha won the 1st with ease and was 7-2 up in the 2nd when he lost concentration and was then 2-1 down before he knew it. He rallied well, his partner got grumpier as Dave took the ball earlier and earlier, winning the 5th with ease.
(3-2)

Bullard v Upstarts Skipper
John decided that this would be the moment to dispose of his trusted weapon and try out his new racket; big mistake as his touch (usually deadly) was god awful. A shadow of himself, he went down like the proverbial balloon...
(0-3)

So 2-2, all down to last match:

Jo v Steve
Steve is famous for his stamina; what he lacks in skill he more than makes up for in determined application, he is tireless and, in fact, just keeps getting stronger; if Jo was going to win the game (and the match for us) she needed it to be 3-0. The gal played smart with her usual mixture of lobs and tricky drops to win three very close games.
(3-0)

Therefore the evening went to this odd Bulls/Bears combo 14-9.
Thanks to Jo, John and Yootha for helping us out; their skipper should be proud of them....

Submissive 2nds

The 'Super 2nds' have now officially been renamed the 'Submissive 2nds'.
After the pre Xmas shenanigans it has been officially decided that they need to be a little more humble; humility never heard me so...
Forthwith, we would like the Submissive 2nds (or now simply 'The Submissives') to ingratiate themselves before the warm up and in between games.
The preferred sublimation is illustrated here by James Wyatt who obviously has foresight, as this was during the 'Submissive's (now just 'Subs') match against the Bulls before Xmas (and afore the wheels came off). Perfecting the etiquette James is on his knees with no eye contact; Natalie is showing the correct response to said sublimation: complete indifference...

Happy New Year

A belated 'Happy New Year' to you all from Di and I...
I'm still awaiting photos back from the club's New Years Eve party so that I can detail the evening.
Suffice to say that it was a great night, full of happy folk.
Well done to Kevin and Atko for pulling it all together and to Lou for manning the bar so... manfully.
I hope that it'll become an annual feature from now on; great to see the club being offered up to members in this way.
Meanwhile, the team matches start again ce soir. The Bulls are over at Chesham Bois to take on their 'odds and sods' team.
Can the Camel dominate Sam the dominatrix?
Will Piggin dig in and relinquish his 'sick note' tag?
Can I maintain my new year's resolution to be 'nicer' on court?
Can Captain Kangaroo (guesting for an ailing Coops) maintain his quest for 'most improved clunker of the year' award?
Can Bullard (guesting for a wailing Natalie) roll back the years?
Should be fun...