Lions v Ayelsbury

This missive just in from an ebullient Nic:


Double Header v Aylesbury

Paul       2/3

Mark     3/1 (and 2/0 v Phipps)

Nic          0/3

Dan        0/3

Chris      3/0

Lost        8/14

Nic

---------------------------------------------------------

Nic, as ever, short & to the point, just like his match last night. Up to Treaders (I've been told that proper match reports are to be written in the third person) to expand again:
Boylie took on County champ Phippsy & pushed him all the way to 5. Classy stuff. However, the stats guru ginger is not happy. You are only allowed 0-3 or 3-0 Paul!
Manly (yeah right!) did battle with the abrasive Scotsman McGowern. A promising start with some great drops, I couldn't believe what I was seeing! Didn't last!!
Treaders took on Wonder Boy, Alex. His dad was keen to tell me he'd just played in the French Open. He may be a future star & I'll never get close again but, hey, he was up against the destroyer of youngsters. Alex took the first game but after that it was one way traffic & once the boy new the outcome decided to retire unexpectedly. Then took on Phippsy who mocked my special Treaders flicks! Sorry to go on a bit Boylie...
Chris, a rare outing for the Lion pride. Didn't see him but was obviously in predatory mood. Swift & merciless!
So, 2 rubbers each. All on Dan. I appeared on the gallery with Dan 0-2 & 0-6 down. No worries! Dan would keep up with statistical patterns & win in 5. Some cheering from the gallery perked him up & he looked galvanised... briefly...
Treaders
-------------------------------

Chris G writes:

Dan asked for a little more detail on our match so here it is; very very little comedic content.

No one fully explained to me why this fixture was a double header but I expect that the opportunities to get both Tom Phipps and Paul Boyle on court together was a major factor. Rather than save the best to last they were 1st to grace the court. The air crackled with anticipation (all 11 of us) as their last encounter in the Bucks Close semi's was a thrilling 3-2 to Tom. 

1st exchanges tested the lungs as there were a few handouts with long rallies before a point was scored. Tom was cracking the ball and Paul was just soaking it up with his trademark back hand pace chop drop from the back 3rd proving very productive. However the work-rate was not exactly reflected in the points tally as the game went to Tom 9-3

Tom came out in the second hitting the ball even harder and took everything early to quickly establish a 3-0 lead with real authority but Paul's ability to continue to absorb the pace found Tom unable to sustain that level and Paul reversed the result of the 1st 3-9 but looked drained when he sat for the break and I had to wonder how much he had to give. Once again Tom started the next game at a furious pace and took the 3rd 9-6 the rallies started to shorten but not the pace as Paul set up a 5th with a 3-9 win. Tom strode to a 5-0 lead in the 5th from then on Paul was unable to close that gap Toms ability to put away the high balls was now very difficult to play against. So it was not to be 3rd time lucky but a highly respectable performance against an ex Pro.

Meanwhile Manley was on with Ian McGowan and despite his trademark quick start to 4-0 thanks in part to Ian just clipping the tin repeatedly this was turned around somewhat when he then found his range. In truth Nic's applied pressure resulted in the early forced errors but in was unsustainable as he went down in 3    9-4 9-4 9-5.

I went on with another Chris (no surname!) and thanks to considerable attention from Priya had my 1st game in 12 weeks or so where I was not protecting one injury or another.  Got the Job done 3-0, happy days.       8-10 0-9 4-9

Treadders was next to grace the Glass-back with young Alex Noakes who has grown 7" since I last saw him. The contrast in styles was entertaining: Noakes athletic endeavour vs. Treadwell's conservation of enough energy to ensure a future for the Polar Bear's. The youngster efforts got him the 1st with Treadwell settling down to a rhythm thereafter taking the next two before a tight hamstring forced Alex to shake hands.

Last up our Captain had the fate of the tie in his hands and he faced Aylesbury debutant Sam in a rather one sided affair. In his own words he was "Too Old: Too Slow: and Too Man Flu'd" to make any impression tonight.    9-5 9-1 9-6

Bulls v Bears: Revenge is Sweat

There have been criticisms that our match reports have been a little verbose of late. 
"Why can't you be more focussed and precise like that nice... Nic 'not so' Manley?"
With that whinging still ringing we decided late last night that each player would review their own game, cutting the verbiage to just 10 words per player (so that's 10 words Piggin & Jim).


Camel v Magic
Nigel made mega effort to nick first game 10-9.
Toby's retaliation followed. Meticulous drops, volleys, retrieving, to cruise home.
(1-3)


Natalie v Seb  
A tantalising teenage encounter, first game to speedy Seb 9-7. 
Lob serves, slower pace, precision drops, next three to Natalie. 
(3-1)


Trev v Jo
Trev: Exquisitely irritating, momentarily mischevious, but ultimately polite, urbane and dignified...
Jo: Unreadable drops, grumpychops; perked up in bar after four vinos...
(3-1)
PS: Jo's response was largely unprintable but did include several 'tosser's and one 'cock'...


'Grim' Jim v Capt Kangaroo (10 words each player remember Jim...)
Despite the most bizarre marking decision in the history of the game and the deathly silence of young Seb’s Bearish colleagues on the balcony, who must have abruptly taken monastic vows of silence, Coops eased past the rusty Capt Fielding 3-0. The only winner here was Mr Longman, to the tune of one new racket please!
(3-0)
PS: The captain responds with his ten penneth... Rusty indeed against a very sharp blade on top form

St Piggin v Oli (that's just 10 words remember Pig...)

The game of Oli v me v Jo v Oli was a feisty game of two halves and three adversaries.  The ever mercurial Oli got off to a flyer and took the first two games.  I did all the running and blew-up midway through the first game after a particularly torrid rally. Oli had me doing court sprints and I was doing little more than feeding him untidy shots into the middle of the court.  
It was all a bit of a blur from then until the third game.  
I can't remember the scores in either game.  
I may have gotten 6 points in the first game and possibly a couple in the second...

I got my act back together for the start of the third and Oli started putting everything into the tin, which I forgot to thank him for.  At some point in the third, the inevitable congestion around the middle of the court brought our lady bear marker into the mix.  From then on, there must have been a dozen or so calls for her intervention.  I wouldn't dare suggest they were all wrong but I'm brave enough to consider they weren't all right.  
Certainly, impartial though.

I won the next 3 games, enjoying Oli's capitulation.  
Must have his wedding on his mind...


With that thought; a free packet of peanuts goes to the person who can guess what Oli is saying to the hapless photographer (Stampy) in the picture below...

Lions v Booker

Treaders writes:


Having put Nic's stats through my bespoke analytical software I am struggling to come up with interesting new facts from the Lions' performance on Wednesday. However, one cannot fail to notice that our pride crushed our arch enemies from Booker, the league leaders, in front of a gallery of expectant tourists.
Our 2 dominant males led the pride out with crushing defeats of their foes. To be fair, our All Black lion was pitted against a cripple, & our Red Maned lion was up against a mere cub!  3-0, 3-0
The lioness's came out to play this week.
1) Matt (unpredictable adolescent lioness) won! 3-0
2) Nic (long in the tooth, thinning haired lioness) won a 5 setter!
3) Dirty Dan (temperamental, frequently aggressive lioness) won in less than 5 sets!  3-1
----------------------------------
Chris G:
Congrats and an all-round better showing than the listless showing of the seconds who were unable to pull a win out of a 4 man Booker!!!

I personally have tried to blame various injuries but probably have to face the fact that I am just crap.

Some honour for the club is restored for which I thank you all.

-----------------------------------

Dirty:

I might add their no5, like me, was  playing out of order and was easily their 2nd best player (unlike me, 4th at best) having duffed up Davies and Cooper for a handful of points in recent Div 2 outings.
A 19-3 defeat of the league leaders will certainly spice up the title race, reversing a 19-1 drubbing they inflicted on us pre-Xmas. 
Unfortunately we are out of the title battle but should be aiming for 4th place from our current 6th.
The evening was so nearly complete when a slightly tipsy Jo S  asked me for a lift home. Happy to oblige I was anticipating a special 'reward' for my long suffering service as club capt, however, she jumped out the car quicker than CK grabs the rice, treasuring Piggin's sports watch and dreaming of their Sunday training session...

Match Report: Bulls v Chesham 1879: Bulls Whipped By Pious Piggin

Bulls match report by Ian "St" Piggin (who wouldn't know a stroke from a stork, especially when it should be awarded to his own team; but then that's Lawyers for you: honest as Estate Agents, pious as priests... ) 

PS: That's me (right) trying to an impression of The Pig.

St Piggin writes:

Having come close to overturning Booker last week, the Bulls returned home to face Chesham 1879, another of the leagues high fliers.  We lost 5-0 to 1879 in the second match of the season last September, and were hopeful, edging towards confident, of better things.

The evening didn't start that well.  Nigel faced the youthful, gifted and mobile Charlie Yerrell.  I missed the game but the result was never in doubt.  Charlie taunted Nigel by allowing him to get to 7 points in a couple of games but The Camel lost 3-0.

I faced Steve French, who implausibly appeared thinner than normal.  Having lost 3-0 to Steve in our last meeting, I was keen to make a mends.  Things started off well and I took the first and a comfortable lead in the second.  By this time, it was apparent that Steve wasn't his usual highly accurate self.  

I couldn't figure out what was up with him and then why I was suddenly losing so many points.  By the time I remembered it might be better to concentrate on the game, I'd lost the second.  I took the next game and then got to 8-5 in the 4th.  Although seeming to be as weak as a kitten, a resurgent Steve pushed it to 9-9 in the fourth before tinning a "sitter". I won 3-1.  I commiserated Steve.  He mentioned he'd had dysentery for a couple of days.  I stepped away, quickly.

Whilst I was playing Steve (and then marking Jim, see next), Trevor "Joey Barton of South Bucks Squash" Jones was parading his glorious hair against the much less urbane (aren't we all?) Steve Ramsden.  However, the general consensus was that Vidal's locks were magnificent from start to finish.  Perhaps, they got a little ruffled when he needlessly dropped a game.  Trevor is getting some great results and took this match 3-1.

Jim played the other Yerrell in the building, the more youthful, possibly more gifted but probably less mobile Joe.  I marked the game and after Jim lost the first 9-0, I had no advice whatsoever.  Joe was playing well constructed, patient rallies with deft touch and feel, all greatly belying his age.  Reminding Jim that he was giving away  25 years didn't feel like the best message. Perhaps, Steve's dysentery might spread like wildfire (literally) through the Chesham lads.  Erm, no.  Joe took the second but Jim's persistence was starting to get to Joe.  In the third game, Jim continued pressing and Joe's wheels started to come off  and Jim took the game convincingly.  The fourth game looked well poised for a  battle.  Jim was up 8-7, things got a bit tight and the calls for lets and strokes came in thick and fast. The fact that your good (and very  objective) marker happened to give at least 3 calls against Jim, resulting in him losing that game 10-9 and the match 3-1 could have resulted in some "heat" from the rest of the Bulls.  Save for Vidal ("you tosspot St Piggin"), team accord was maintained.

So, we come to the last game of the evening, evenly balanced at 2-2.  Our young Natalie faced the very experienced Neil Hollister.  I have no better summary than to repeat Neil's attempted ice-breaker with Natalie over the curry after the game.  "You must get really annoyed by losing to awkward old fat blokes who aren't as good as you?", says Neil.  With a steely glare Natalie says "yes".  

A thoroughly frustrating evening for Natalie unfortunately; she loses 3-1.

Overall, much improved from our last game against Chesham 1879, but another case of so near, so far.

Piggin.

Super 2nds v Booker 2

Gazza writes:

After last week's 4-1 loss to Holmer Green 2 with Chris, Neil, Kevin and all losing but getting 2 points and Bob getting 1 (yes I was the only one to win) I went into last night’s match with an uneasy feeling inside.  

As I am injured (again) this report must take on a Headmaster’s tone in order to report the current malaise of the 2^nd team. The match got off to a flyer when Duncan Swallow their captain texted me at 5.00pm to tell me that they were only bringing 4 players. 

Result! 

So I texted my team and told James Wyatt that he wouldn’t be needed. Little did I know that those 3 walkover points would represent 50% of the points we would win.

When I arrived to watch Bob he had already lost 0-3 to Tim Bark Jones getting 12 points and Kev had gone down (again) 2-3 (again). Well I thought Neil is my banker and Chris will beat Frazer who isn’t playing as much as before. Well, I marked Neil’s match and my banker turned into my *anker; he certainly doesn’t desrve a big bonus for “working hard”. Short of length, off balance and finding the tin an unwelcome friend Neil was starngely out of sorts and unable to turn things round. After a tight first game when, as normal, Neil called “One” he then lost the next rally. What are the stats on Neil’s “One” in terms of win/loss? Neil got 4 points in each of the next 2 games losing 0-3.

Chris started playing Frazer whilst I was marking Neil’s match but inbetween games I saw that Chris had lost the first 0-9. He did better in the 2^ndgoing down 3-9 and went on to take the 3^rd before losing the 4^th 3-9. Chris lost 1-3 and did tell me he was still not injury free. So we lost 1-4 – thank you BSRC for the walkover points, we needed them!

I should have known what was to come when I saw Neil, Bob and Kev arrive in Neil’s new car! (Left)

Headmaster’s summary  

Kev – the losing streak and gut both need to go

Bob- the losing streak and gut both need to go

Neil- please find the animal inside again, is he or she hibernating?   

Match Report: Bears on an artificial 'high'?: Bears v Chesham Bois Old Boys

It's amazing how quickly match reports come in when a team has won. 

Could it just be a temporary high?

Here's Jo's breathless report:

The Bears set off for last night’s match quietly confident in the knowledge that several of the more ‘experienced’ Old Boys were up in Manchester at the British Masters playing proper old man squash.  So confident, that when Toby and I arrived at Chesham the rest of the team were nowhere to be seen.  Never one to miss the opportunity to get to the bar early, I nipped on court to get things underway. 

So – Lady Bear against a man who was wearing so many support bandages and different types of strapping on his lower limbs that it was impossible to discern whether or not he actually had any legs.  This should have been a clue.  However, me being me, it wasn’t, and I quickly found myself 5-0 down in the first.  Definitely not part of my plan.  After some running and scrabbling, I clawed my way to a 6-9 loss in the first.  Must do better.  And in the 2^nd I did.  Drop shots galore led to a fairly comfortable second game.  Great stuff.  However, I then resorted to my default setting which is running and rallying into the backhand corner.  I’m not entirely sure why.  And it ended up with a 2-9 drubbing.  Oh dear.  So onto the fourth and at 0-3 down I suddenly realise that Olly has not developed a severe nervous tick with associated gesticulation in the balcony, but is in fact urging me (and indeed the whole club, including my opponent) to go short.  It was at this point that I realised that Mr No Legs did indeed have a severe lack of ability in the going forwards department, and after 2 games of drop shots, I managed to wrap up the win 3-2.  Who wants to win easy?!!!!

Whilst my see-saw battle was going on, Toby had managed to go 2 nil up quite comfortably against an opponent who paid little attention to the concept of clearing the ball.  Good work we thought – in the bag.  However Toby had other ideas and proceeded to start what can only be technically described as ‘d1cking about’.  In fact he ‘d1cked about’ so much that he lost the 3^rd.  Oh dear.  However ‘Magic’ obviously gave himself a strict talking to between games and proceeded to win the 4^th quite easily.  When asked post-match what had caused said ‘d1cking about’ Toby replied that he’d wanted to win the 3^rd 9-0, and once his opponent had won a point had got a bit confused.  I might advise that this strategy backfired a little, and should be abandoned in future matches!

So onto Captain Fielding, who was up against the ever present wily ‘’old boy’ himself Mick O’Sullivan.  It was definitely a cause of little and large on court.  Dave seemed comfortably in control and had game ball at 8-6, only to eventually win it 10-9, which caused some minor consternation.  However, he gave himself a kick up the backside and, in his own words, ‘made himself as wide at the humber bridge’ and dispatched Mick 3-0 to put the Bears 3-0 up and the match was in the bag.  Good work!

So no pressure on Captain Olly then, from who we were expecting great things after his victory last week and sudden discovery that running does in fact make winning a little easier (see below).  However, in the first we were to be disappointed.  Olly, clearly bamboozled by a player who seemed to be able to hit tin skimming boasts from almost anywhere in the court, was back to his old self, and demonstrated a severe case of ‘can’t be ar$ed’.  0-1 down.  However, in the 2^nd, he came back a new man, and remembered that running helped.  He flew around the court like a man possessed, picking up everything and anything, and was rewarded.  This tactic continued in the 3^rd and 4^th and he came out a 3-1 victor.  

So finally it was down to Young Seb Monson, making his debut for the bears (Virgin Bear??).  After his opponent finally turned up at 9.25 after finishing at night school, Seb was raring to go.  He had spent the last 2 hours warming up after all.  His opponent clearly hadn’t and obviously wished he was still back in the classroom.  Seb stunned him with an imperious, if somewhat lackadaisical, demonstration of that classic racket by the ankles school of squash, and roared to a 3-0 victory in around 15 minutes.  Great debut performance.

So the Bears picked up a 5-0 win, with lots of lovely and much needed points.  All that was left was to try and give Captain Fielding a musical education in the car on the way home, although he proved that he is indeed living up to his new ‘old man’ nickname.

Lions v Booker Wed Feb 8th: Come on Down...

Come on down to the club this Wednesday Feb 8th for the 'big bash':
The Lions take on league leaders Booker.
For starters Paul Boyle will be taking on Bucks No 2 Tom Power in what should be a cracker.
The support act will be Treaders, Matt Burnett, Nic (not so) Manley and Dirty Dan.
The match starts at 7.30.
Beer available earlier with the lovely Lisa...

Match Report: Bulls: BULLS V BSRC 2 (Booker) Last Tuesday

The Camel writes:


Having lost 1-4 at home to the League leaders Booker last October, the Bulls headed for Wycombe Air Park hoping for better things, and nearly upset the apple cart.

Natalie v Tim Bark-Jones  2-3  Natalie has come on really well this season against some very experienced and in some cases, desperate, male opponents. Nearly always going to five games, tonight was no exception as the first 3 games went 10-9, 9-7, 7-9, then almost clinched it with a match point in the 4th, just to lose that one 8-10. Tim's retrieving was so good, Natalie usually had to play 4 winners per rally to win the point - ultimately the fifth went Tim's way 9-4.

Trev v Duncan Swallow  3-2  Trevor, relieved to have arrived by car and not on the back of Ian's motorbike, scored a great victory against Capt. Duncan, having succumbed to him earlier in the season. This time Trev rutted and rallied in bullish fashion with Duncan in four hard fought games, taking the fifth in 9-0.

Jim v George Goodchild  1-3  Didn't get the chance to see this match - Jim, our most improved Bull so far this season, seemed to have met his match in all round steady George. After a tight first two games, George took the next two 9-1, 9-4.

Ian v Frazer Labron  1-3  Ian kicked off like a bull in a china shop against Frazer, who had just returned from a hard lads week on the piste. 9-4 to Ian in the first game. At this stage Frazer decided that 30 stroke rallies were not good for him, and encorporated his deft skills and deception to counter attack and shorten the rallies. Ian, renowned for his resilience and his ability to dig in, fought hard but Frazer took the next three games to win.

Capt Camel v Big Chris Popham  3-1  Chris was also back from the same week on the piste as Frazer and wanted to wrap it up quick too. We played my way in the first (9-2), Chris's way in the second (1-9), my way in the third (9-2), and both ways in the fourth until Chris lunged for a drop, pulled his calf and decided to call it a day.

So, we lost 3-2 on the night - but still a good result and a good Thai curry afterwards.

Bring on Chesham 1879 at home this Tuesday! - Super 2nds are at home too - 7.30pm start - come on down to give us all a shout !!

Nic Bites Back and seems to quite like... Mark Twain

Point 1 – I have surveyed all of Mark’s ex girlfriends and they can confirm the ”getting things over quickly” bit

A few more quotes:-

Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. 

Mark Twain

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. 

Mark Twain

Never let the facts get in the way of a good story. 

Mark Twain



Treaders seems to be getting the hang of statistics

Nic

Match Report: Of Sorts: Lions v Tring: Lions Raw or Yawn?

I always hoped that theses match reports would reflect their author's personality; this one just in from Nic Manley...

Lions v Tring I @ Home

Mark: 3/1

CK: 0/3

Nic: 2/3

Dan: 3/2

Neil: 3/0

Bonus: 4/0

Score: 15/9

Nic

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Plus, more interesting facts from your stat's guru (Treaders):
1: I was once a child model (see right).
2: 'Copperknob' (Me - did I need to say who?) & The Bald Fat One (Nic - ditto!) have an appalling record of 0% wins if we go to five! May be something to do with lack of stamina. I, personally, always like to get things over quickly...
3. The Zen Master has a hopeless win/loss ration this season! Has senility finally caught up with him? There'll always be a position as team coach... I, personally, can't perform without him behind me.
4. Captain Dirty Dan, yet again, goes to 5. Yawn!! Must be on the little blue pills...

Bears v RAF

Captain Olly writes:


Following a harsh snap in the weather it was a cold night for all on Tuesday where we welcomed the RAF. Unfortunately for Magic, as he set his late feet through the doors (yes 820 is late!) his jaw dropped as he noticed his opponent Paul Cobbles (a guy that seems only to turn up versus Toby!) was raring to go.

First on was Jo Smalley at 4, she played the silver surfer Nigel Peters. With Jo it's either put up or shut up and fortunately she "shut up" and put her energies into her running! Winning the first relatively easy, Nige came back to 2-2 but quality overcame everything else and she pulled it out of the bag. 
Keep it up Jo! 
3-2 Bears. 

At the same time the old vet Bullard was knocking up (and somehow making the ball colder). His opponent was Len Brettell. Steady Johnny was victorious in the first and raring to go in the second but then he stopped! Yes everything, line, length, running (I even had to check his pulse half way through the third). Unlucky John too much squash this week me thinks! 
RAF 1-3

The third match was of course me. Captain Olly. My opponent was Dick Taylor. Tall, reachy, perfect timing and the guy had the lot in abundance. I managed to grab the first through some early drops but the second game was a different matter. You need to be wary of this guy, he is good! He smashed me in the second and I thought (he has been winding me up and he gave me the first game!). How wrong I was. Hard work, running, running and more running I managed to win the next two games. Olly is back!! Bears 3-1.

Mr Egan was next in line. Playing Lee Cables at three. Whilst I didnt see the first three games I was monitoring the match at 1-2. Egan battled back to 8-8 and called 2. He won the serve back and was going for it! As hard and as low as his game was, Lee managed to get a return on it and get it back. The next point was won by RAF and at 8-9 it was S*it or bust. Knowing the Welsh have very little bottle I was predicting the outcome! A loose return by Andy forced Lee into playing a hard reverse boast and the game was over! Mr Egan needs a win under his belt to get back to winning ways! Unlucky. 
RAF 1-3.

Finally, Toby stepped onto court with a smiling Paul Warner. Paul who? Toby had him running all over the place and smashed him 9-6 (get in, the audience were in disbelief and shaking in their boots, their "banker" was getting done by our banker?!). "If only I could hold on to my game for the next two, we would be victorious" Toby pondered outside the court on his knees. Well, despite his best efforts and losing about 5 pints of sweat, he managed to accumulate 5 points out of the remaining 3 games. Too good was the verdict but a good point won. 
RAF 1-3.

So, overall we lost 2-3 but it was a great match. As we move into next week versus the Chesham old boys, Captain Fielding is back following a hip replacement last week and Mr Chapples is returning from some undercover business!! We may have to rest a few of the squad for that game!!

Olly