As written by Toby 'Magic' Johnson...
So we turned up to the "cow shed" (Andrew Egan - 2009, 2010 and 2011) that is Holmer Green squash club with a FULL COMPLIMENT OF BEARS SQUAD MEMBERS in search of a much needed victory to try and continue the good start to the year that we have made. Having beaten this team convincingly in the first half of the season it is fair to say that yours truly walked into the club with a certain swagger (when don't I?), fully confident of recording a resounding victory in double quick time.
First up in trough number one was the lesser spotted Mike Chapples. For those of you who don't know, Mike has been suffering with a multitude of injuries and ailments this year that has prevented him from representing the Bears. However, Mike obviously thought that enough was enough and he wasn't going to let a niggly calf and some cracked ribs get in the way of a solid squash performance. He didn't disappoint. Mike was imperious and rattled out a quick 3-0. Enough said.
Second up in trough number two was Lady Bear Jo Smalley. Jo had the great misfortune of playing an older gent who went by the nickname 'The Punisher'. I can only imagine that this nickname related to some extracurricular activities as it certainly didn't have anything to do with his squash. This rather disturbing image unsettled Jo's usual game and she soon found herself 2-1 down.
It was at this moment that the team sage, Mr Andrew 'Welshy' Egan, stepped up to the plate and used his years of managerial experience to subtly point Jo in the right direction.
Andrew - DO YOU HAVE SOMEWHERE ELSE TO BE?
Jo - What do you mean?
Andrew - STOP TRYING TO WIN THE BLOODY THING SO QUICKLY AND PLAY SOME RALLIES.
Jo - Okay
Jo won the next two games and recorded a well deserved 3-2 victory. We would like to thank Andrew for his tact and grace.
So 2-0 up and the night was looking good.
On to court stepped yours truly.
As soon as I stepped on court I knew something was up. Holmer Green had either been picked up and put in the middle of the Sahara or someone had informed Homer Green squash club of my achilles heel (Trevor?) and they had been gradually heating the court up to astronomical levels since lunchtime. Safe to say it was the latter, and on spotting this I immediately asked the marker in my best English to "turn the f*cking heating off". "I don't have the key to the controls" was the response!
So there I was, on a blistering hot court with none other than a bloody fitness instructor. What followed was one of the most unpleasant matches of my squash career, wading through puddles of sweat to play one loose shot after another. Fortunately, I would appear to have gained some fitness in recent weeks and managed to grind my way to a 3-1 victory, a win that was made slightly less disgusting by the fact that I actually managed to run the fitness instructor into the ground (quite literally on a couple of occasions when my opponent ending up doing some rather painful looking splits as a result of some over eager lunges). He was recovering from Bronchitis, but I'll choose to ignore that.
3-0 up, the match was won and now all we had to do was put the icing on the cake and take the full 19 points home.....
Fortunately, the fact that I was in an epic struggle on the surface of the sun meant that I did not have the great misfortune of watching Andrew's match, although we did have a quick chat in the break after the first game where the only thing he could say was "I can't see the ball". It didn't sound like things were going very well, and sure enough they weren't. Andrew lost 3-0, a match that was apparently more notable for the quick exit Andrew had to make before the end of the second game to have a sit down rather than for any sort of squash.
Last up was the ever present Captain Bear Oli Reeves. Oli has unfairly been given the nickname of Lazy Bear in the past and he certainly dispelled that myth with his performance - demonstrating pace, power, precision, panache and superb dexterity to entertain the masses who were watching agog from the balcony. Oh no... wait ... that was Mike in the first match. Oli lost 3-0 in what was, to be honest, a rather lacklustre performance. No one was more disappointed than Oli, who has since declared that he shall be mending his ways - starting with the Tread Gaz challenge.
So, in the end we managed to secure a 3-2 win and 13 points. Not a bad performance against a Holmer Green who are much improved and keen to try and stay up in League 2. All in all a good result for the Bears. Bring on the RAF next week, it's a home match if anyone is interested in coming along and supporting.
Magic
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