Hard to believe that these 'Back Pages' are from 5 years ago.
Time flies but nothing changes...
24/10/2006
Turds v Chesham 1879 (Away)Lost 3-2 (15-8)
With WKP as navigator (he was a pilot!) we managed to visit every sporting facility in Chesham (actually signing liability waivers at one fitness centre afore the penny dropped!) before arriving at the venue late (for a definition of 'late', please see 'Kevin Mears/Phil Payne')
therefore unable to rally troops, do the hakka etc.
Gareth Ashington (0-3)
Great to have Gareth back. I know we're all mindful of his son's recent illness, and we all wish the family good luck & good health.
With St John's late withdrawal (see footnote) and the match scores poised at 2-2, what was intended as a gentle re-introduction to planet squash became a dog fight. Gareth's game was up to it, his legs
weren't. A couple of sharpeners (see Roger Taylor) should see him right.
Match Rating: A 'Large Tonic'
Trevor Jones (0-3)
A bit of a passenger I'm afraid, even the on court banter, against a slightly unhinged Sam, was a bit flat. No legs, no head, no drop shot, no chance!
Match Rating: A very weak (headless) 'Bitter Shandy'
WKP (3-2)
Never far from controversy, WKP won a very close encounter by foul means: match point to Willie he plays a weak boast, 20 feet away, as his oppo' shapes for a simple drop, Willie raps on the court door and starts doing the river dance, which not only registered a 9 on the Richter scale, but also distracted poor Chris who tinned it. Chris pouts, Ollie cheers ('Gerthchaaaa!') Sam (marking) mistakes a radiator for the team dog, I search the manual for a chapter on diplomacy while Roger and Gareth bite their knuckles. Willie meanwhile grins manically, does a victory dance (a variation on said 'river dance') and spends the next hour in the shower, describing his victory, shot by shot, to an admirably dignified Chris, who looks on in disbelief at what appears to be a man wearing one of those 'Little Britain' naked lady suits ( a strap on Willie?) I fear this shameful incident will be as easily digested as the match meal (a 'European Curry' made, I think, from the much abused Chesham team dog).
Match Rating: Not a six pack in sight so, for his sins, '3 Hail Bloody Marys' with a 'Wallbanger' chaser
Oliver Reeves (3-0)
There is a phrase much used on my old old school reports which sums up the the 'old' Olly's past performances: 'flatters to deceive'. Always stylish, with a lovely touch, he just seemed to lack a bit of bite. There is now lead in his pencil and the transformation is remarkable; he totally dominated a very dynamic opponent, took the pace out of the game when he needed to and upped the tempo accordingly. Performance of the night, though the scorer's swear box has now been replaced by a dictionary on Dick Van Dykisms
("gertchhyouravinalaaarffinnit"?!)
Match Rating: 'Rum Punch' in a dirty glass
Roger Taylor (2-3)
A battle royale with 'young Roger' v 'old Roger'. 'Young Roger', struggling with a dodgy back, started the game as Sean Connery but ended as Roger Moore, dominating a match that he lost. His oppo' played most of his shots off the back foot and the back wall, but must be credited with durability. Roger, as stylish as his Aston Martin, seemed fueled by diesel, dictating and cruising the longer rallies but never quite able to switch into overdrive. He and Gareth should be locked in a small white room with each other (and a couple of rackets) for a fortnight!
Match Rating: A very stiff 'Martini with a Twist', shaken but not sufficiently stirred
*A footnote regarding St John's calf: how could this injury be aggravated on a romantic weekend in Madrid?
Rating: Ginger Beer
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