Back Pages: Turds v GX2 19/12/2006

About this time 5 years ago...

19/12/06 
Turds v GX2

Won 4-1 (18-6) Excellent, gutsy performance.
I’ve been criticised for being too harsh/critical/rude to my boys in the team write ups. 

So, before my new years resolution kicks in...

St John (Won 3-1)

Solid

Two racketball players were standing at the bar, one said to the other : 

"You know, squash players are such ar*eholes!" 

St John walked up to them and with a mad look on his face said : 

"I find that statement offensive!"

One of the racketball players replied : "Oh, you must be a squash player."

"No" St John repied : "I'm an ar*ehole!"

Steve (Kinsella) (Lost 2-3)

Energetic

Spend that £10 wisely! No sour grapes but:

I hear they are getting rid of Freddy Flintoff as England cricket captain and appointing Paula Yates in his place? 
Well who else has had such experience of f*cking the Aussies and bringing back the ashes.

What does an Aussie use for contraception? 

His personality!!!

What do you call an Aussie with half a brain? 

Gifted.

What do you call an Australian riding a bike? 

A dope pedaler.

And… God wanted Jesus to be born in Australia, but he couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Trev (3-0)

Magnifique

Jim (3-2)

Gutsy

What's the difference between an ape, an orphan, a prince, and Jim Cooper? 

An ape has a hairy parent, an orphan has nary a parent, a prince is an heir apparent, and Jim has...
no hair apparent.

Richard (3-0)

Robust

Richard decides that he needs to get into shape so he makes an appointment with Priya who asked him if he could do the splits. 

'Of course I can't', Richard answered. 

'How flexible are you?' she asked. 

He replied 'Well, I can't do Tuesdays.'

They also served:

Quasimodo is sat in his study and once again is feeling depressed about how ugly he is. Looking for some reassurance, he goes in search of Esmerelda. When he finds her he asks her once again if he really is the ugliest man alive.

 Esmerelda sighs and says "Look, why don't you go upstairs and ask the magic mirror who is the ugliest man alive? The mirror will answer your question once and for all" 

About five minutes later a very pleased looking Quasimodo bounced back back the stairs and gave Esmerelda a great big hug. 

"Well it worked" Quasmido beamed, "But who the f*ck is Willie Kirk Patrick?"

I wouldn’t say Kevin was short, but his feet are on his passport photo, which reminds me:                          

I was standing at the urinal after my latest victory when I noticed that I was being watched by Mearsy. Although the little fellow stared at me intently, I didn’t get uncomfortable when he dragged a small stepladder up next to me, climbed it, and proceeded to admire my privates at close range. "Wow," commented TLKM, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

 Surprised and flattered, I thanked him and started to move away. 

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," said Kev, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?" 

I was rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it  obliged the request.

 Kevin reached out, got a tight grip on my crown jewels, and said, "Okay, keep that result to yourself or I'll jump off the ladder!"

Our lovely club secretary Chris went to John Bullard’s Wycombe pile and knocked on the door. 

Upon opening it she said "Hi I am your birthday present." 

He responded, "What am I supposed to do with you?" 

"I'm all yours for super sex", she answers. 

He replies: "Well I am nearly 70 years old so... I’ll have the soup!”

Later, Bullard was standing at the bar, observing young Asley’s orange, green, and blue spiked hair. After a few moments, Ashley man said, "what's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?" John smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son."

Stefan is developing fast. He wet into a drug store to buy his first ever condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of three, nine or 12 and asks which Stef wants. "Well", he said in his best deep voice, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12-pack." Young Lubek makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!"

Tim Westall is involved in a smash up on the M40. As the police patrolman approached the accident site, he found that the entire side of the BMW had been ripped away, taking with it the driver's arm. Tim, obviously in shock, kept moaning, "My car, my car," as the officer tried to comfort him. "Sir," the cop said gently, "I think we should be more concerned about your arm than your car." Tim looked down to where his arm should have been, then screamed, "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

Roger and Olly are both at John Lewis’s shopping for their wives Christmas presents. 

Olly says to the Roger, "What did you get your wife this year?" 

Roger replies: "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." 

Olly says, "Why'd you get her both?" 

Roger says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy." 

Olly says, "O.K. That works." 

Roger asks, "Well what did you get your ex wife?" 

Olly says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." 

Rog says, "So, why'd you get her both a pair of slippers and a dildo?" 

Olly replies "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself!"

A crusty old man walks into Gareth Ashington’s Estate Agency and says to a female agent, "I want to sell my god damn house." To which the astonished female agent replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, dimwit. I said I want to sell my f*c*ing house!" "I'm very sorry sir,” she says “but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this office." So saying, the agent goes over to Gareth to tell him about her situation. They both return and Gareth asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem," the man says, "I want to sell my f*c*ing million dollar home."   "I see," says Gareth, "and this b*tch is giving you a hard time?

And for Mark Vickery:

Why do Welsh horses run so fast? 
Because they have seen what the farmers do to the sheep!

What do you call a Welsh farmer with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other? 
Bisexual!

What is the one thing that you can't get in Wales? 
Virgin wool!

And a seasonal joke, just for Mark:

Roedd bachgen bach o'r enw Dewi yn cerdded trwy ei bentref, yn bownsio pe+l i'r geiriau: "B*****d Saeson prynu tai! B*****d Saeson prynu tai!"Wel, pan aeth Dewi heibio'r capel, dal yn canu "B*****d Saeson prynu tai!", daeth y gweinidog mas. "Dewi, paid a+ ddweud pethau fel 'na - pechod mawr yw e!" dywedodd e. "Mewn lle, dylet ti ddweud rhywbeth fel 'Iesu Grist cafodd ei eni mewn stabal.'"Yn awyddus i foddhau, sgipiodd Dewi i ffwrdd, yn bownsio'i be+l ac yn canu "Iesu Grist cafodd ei eni mewn stabal! Iesu Grist cafodd ei eni mewn stabal!"Pan aeth Dewi tua'r capel eto, roedd e'n dal yn canu: "Iesu Grist cafodd ei eni mewn stabal!" Felly dywedodd y gweinidog iddo fe, "Da iawn, Dewi! Nawr, wyt ti'n gwybod pam cafodd Iesu Grist ei eni mewn stabal?"Meddyliodd Dewi am foment, ac wedyn dywedodd: "B*****d Saeson prynu tai!"

Well Done this first half Gents!

Prepare for the big push

Merry Xmas to all!

TrevXX