So the club championships start next weekend?Whoop-di-bloody-doo...
I love them of course but I'm having trouble bigging myself up for the occasion.
You see, I've always thought that I was in for a shout; but I'm starting to realise that, as well as never opening the batting for England or shagging that bird in 'Emmanuelle 2', I haven't got a hope in hell. I've "lost my Mojo" according to Napoleon...
Still, standing at the bar on any given evening, I'm always reminded that 'there's no fool like an old fool'.
Maybe if Atko lends me some of his Viagra I might stiffen my resolve.
Meanwhile, I found this review of the Club Championships from 2009.
See if this inspires, or at least puts lead in your pencil...
Good luck to all.
Beaconsfield Squash Championships 2009
As the marker called a ‘foot fault’ at a pivotal point in my tight quarter final against defending champion Charlie Wyatt, I was reminded of the words of the great Bill Shankley:
“The trouble with referees is that they know the rules, but they do not know the game.”
There had been hope in my heart and dreams in my head, but my concentration evaporated.
The game was lost.
All quality sportsmen will attest to the fact that results are often decided by one defining moment.
There were many such moments in this year’s club championships.
At the sharp end of the Men's ‘A’s, club captain Kevin ‘Napoleon’ Mears had decided to make a dog’s dinner of the event by ranking only the top four seeds, thereby throwing the rest of us to the wolves. Hazard would rule the day. Bribes would be offered and taken. Charlie ‘Club Cramp’ Wyatt would be top dog, followed by dog’s doctor, Mark ‘The Vet’ Treadwell. At ‘3’ would be the proverbial ‘dog’s’, ‘Dirty’ Dan Fernandez, with a rabid Nic ‘Not So’ Manley, a controversial but doggedly determined 4thseed.
A dogfight ensued with some great and brief encounters.
On the way to the final, reputations were challenged and made, hearts were broken.
The 'A' final was to be an inevitable rematch of last year’s feisty semi; Wyatt v Fernadez.
Having played a tough semi final with Treadwell early in the day, Dan’s endurance would be put to the test as Charlie hadn’t dropped a game en route and was relatively fresh. “Squash is boxing with racquets” said Jonah Barrington. Could ‘Dirty’ Dan rattle Charlie’s cage again? Sport doesn’t build character, it reveals it and Charlie was indeed a revelation. Dan dug in, producing some cracking shots; all were retrieved with consummate ease and, after 45 minutes of brave struggle, Fernandez eventually succumbed to the tenacious teenager (3-0). “Pain heals, chicks dig scars, glory lasts forever” said Charlie afterwards, whilst a panting Dan, sanguine in defeat, could only offer “Squash is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical.”
Meanwhile, on an adjacent court Oliver Reeves and Andy Egan were producing the year’s best final in the Men’s ‘B’s. Oliver’s talent is as substantial as his rear end, but could Andy, whose groin was restricting his movement, get around this obstacle? With Andy’s groin up against Ollie’s butt there could only be one outcome: 3-2 to Reeves.
“The trouble with referees is that they know the rules, but they do not know the game.”
There had been hope in my heart and dreams in my head, but my concentration evaporated.
The game was lost.
All quality sportsmen will attest to the fact that results are often decided by one defining moment.
There were many such moments in this year’s club championships.
At the sharp end of the Men's ‘A’s, club captain Kevin ‘Napoleon’ Mears had decided to make a dog’s dinner of the event by ranking only the top four seeds, thereby throwing the rest of us to the wolves. Hazard would rule the day. Bribes would be offered and taken. Charlie ‘Club Cramp’ Wyatt would be top dog, followed by dog’s doctor, Mark ‘The Vet’ Treadwell. At ‘3’ would be the proverbial ‘dog’s’, ‘Dirty’ Dan Fernandez, with a rabid Nic ‘Not So’ Manley, a controversial but doggedly determined 4thseed.
A dogfight ensued with some great and brief encounters.
On the way to the final, reputations were challenged and made, hearts were broken.
The 'A' final was to be an inevitable rematch of last year’s feisty semi; Wyatt v Fernadez.
Having played a tough semi final with Treadwell early in the day, Dan’s endurance would be put to the test as Charlie hadn’t dropped a game en route and was relatively fresh. “Squash is boxing with racquets” said Jonah Barrington. Could ‘Dirty’ Dan rattle Charlie’s cage again? Sport doesn’t build character, it reveals it and Charlie was indeed a revelation. Dan dug in, producing some cracking shots; all were retrieved with consummate ease and, after 45 minutes of brave struggle, Fernandez eventually succumbed to the tenacious teenager (3-0). “Pain heals, chicks dig scars, glory lasts forever” said Charlie afterwards, whilst a panting Dan, sanguine in defeat, could only offer “Squash is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical.”
Meanwhile, on an adjacent court Oliver Reeves and Andy Egan were producing the year’s best final in the Men’s ‘B’s. Oliver’s talent is as substantial as his rear end, but could Andy, whose groin was restricting his movement, get around this obstacle? With Andy’s groin up against Ollie’s butt there could only be one outcome: 3-2 to Reeves.
Earlier in the evening burly Tim Westall had proven just too strong for a punchy Paul Haley in the final of the ‘C’s, whilst in the ‘Plate’ Captain Kev fell 3-1 to the sleeping giant that is Stefan Lubek.
To disprove Emerson’s observation that “Sport is the bloom and glow of perfect health”, Chez Bhola had a stroll in the park (3-0) against his nemesis ‘Mad Dog’ Whitaker in the Vintage, whilst Treadwell,‘The Vet’ won the ‘Vet’s’ with a walkover against a crocked CK ’rocked’ Foo.
To disprove Emerson’s observation that “Sport is the bloom and glow of perfect health”, Chez Bhola had a stroll in the park (3-0) against his nemesis ‘Mad Dog’ Whitaker in the Vintage, whilst Treadwell,‘The Vet’ won the ‘Vet’s’ with a walkover against a crocked CK ’rocked’ Foo.
“If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such.”
Homer Simpson would be forced to eat those famous words if he had of witnessed the dynamic duel between defending champion Jo Smalley and newcomer Sam Mueller in the Ladies A final. Sam obviously went to the ‘Phil Payne School for Time Keeping’ and was accordingly penalized by 'Dave the Marker' for her tardiness between games, but the partisan crowd was eventually won over by her desire and commitment. This was a cracking clash, Jo’s guile and skill eventually overcoming Sam’s dynamism.
Homer Simpson would be forced to eat those famous words if he had of witnessed the dynamic duel between defending champion Jo Smalley and newcomer Sam Mueller in the Ladies A final. Sam obviously went to the ‘Phil Payne School for Time Keeping’ and was accordingly penalized by 'Dave the Marker' for her tardiness between games, but the partisan crowd was eventually won over by her desire and commitment. This was a cracking clash, Jo’s guile and skill eventually overcoming Sam’s dynamism.
In a more genteel encounter, and whilst I parked her car for her, Avril Blanchot overcame Misa Harrup 3-2 in the Ladies B.
Observed by a packed gallery our proud sponsor ‘Ravishing’ Roger Taylor of 'The Geek Squad' and ‘Carphone Warehouse’ handed out the trophies and observed, “Great sport has intellectual beauty and squash is more than just a sport. It's an art, like the ballet. Or like a performance in the theater. When I step on the court I feel like Anna Pavlova. Or like Adelina Patti. Or even like Sarah Bernhardt. I see the footlights in front of me. I hear the whisperings of the audience. I feel an icy shudder. Win or die! Now or never! It's the crisis of my life.”
There was a stunned silence followed by a mad dash for the bar where sorrows were drowned and hopes and dreams for next years’ championships were toasted.
There was a stunned silence followed by a mad dash for the bar where sorrows were drowned and hopes and dreams for next years’ championships were toasted.
Eyeing up Pauline behind the bar, Bar Steward Allan Barlow observed:
“After all that, sex would be an anti-climax!”
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