Watch the Six Nations Rugby at the Club

The Chairman has asked me to advertise that all Six Nations matches will be televised at the club.
Look out for SPECIAL BAR PROMOTIONS that will be in place during match time.
Historically these have included out of date Twiglets and Big Bird getting her Baps out at half time.
However, to entice you to imbibe and linger Napoleon has promised an "exciting new lager" at £2 a pop; a cheap pint from a half pint so to speak...
Should be a cracking 1st day; here are my predictions:

Sheep Shaggers v Spud Chompers (1.30 KO)
This could be one of the matches of the tournament. Ireland are always frisky away from home, with O'Driscoll keen to glory in his golden years. Later in the t'ment they host England and France so, if they get off to a good start, that home advantage could be a teller. Ireland always seem to flatter to deceive and should have won more championships. They still remain favorites to win for me.
Wales have lost seven in a row (although 4 of those results have been to Australia and by narrow margins) so they will be keen to steady the ship.
Ireland to nick a close encounter.

Saxons v Sweaty Socks (4pm KO)
Our stunning recent victory against The All Blacks has upped the ante making us tournament favorites and the target for much envious sniping. The charming Jim Telfer has even labeled us 'arrogant'. Stuart Lancaster is shaping up well as a coach and his unfussy approach seems to have removed smugness and overconfidence from the English mindset. Confidence isn't arrogance. There's always a simmering hostility in The Calcutta Cup, and a good start could endorse the suggestion that, after that historic annihilation of The Kiwis, we might be on the verge of something special. An average performance or, dare I say it, defeat would burst our bubble and see a return to the middling muddling that has befuddled our team recently.
A watershed match with England winning a physical battle by 10 points.

Meatballs v Frogs (KO 3pm Sunday)
The Italians have had the wooden spoon 9 times out of 13. The French are mercurial, brilliant or brittle. They're sure to beat the crap out of each other but, frankly, who gives a shit?
France to win a bloodbath.

Date	Fixture	Venue	Time
Round One
Sat 02 Feb	Wales v Ireland	Millennium Stadium	13:30
Sat 02Feb	England v Scotland	Twickenham	16:00
Sun 03 Feb	Italy v France	Stadio Olimpico	15:00
Round Two
Sat 09 Feb	Scotland v Italy	Murrayfield	14.30
Sat 09 Feb	France v Wales	Stade de France	17.00
Sun 10 Feb	Ireland v England	Aviva Stadium	15.00
Round Three
Sat 23Feb	Italy v Wales	Stadio Olimpico	14.30
Sat 23 Feb	England v France	Twickenham	17.00
Sun 24 Feb	Scotland v Ireland	Murrayfield	14.00
Round Four
Sat 09 Mar	Scotland v Wales	Murrayfield	14.30
Sat 09 Mar	Ireland v France	Stade de France	17.00
Sun 10 Mar	England v Italy	Twickenham	15.00
Round Five
Sat 16 Mar	Italy v Ireland	Stadio Olimpico	14.30
Sat 16 Mar	Wales v England	Millennium Stadium	17.00
Sat 16 Mar	France v Scotland	Stade de France	20.00

Bulls v Chesham Upstarts

Here our beloved Chairman proves himself a master of punctuation and brevity; his first ever match report.... and note that, like all deluded egotists, he talks about himself in the 3rd person (unless of course he got his dopey son Michael to write the thing...)

With a motivational email from the captain prior to the match, we were all in good spirits and full of optimism when heading over to Chesham Bois. Trev was dropped due to age impaired illness and kindly volunteered to drive, spectate and support; all of which was done to an incredibly high standard. So high in fact, this could be a regular slot for The Fox.

Kevin was up first and having heard about team training had embarked on two marathon games the previous day, winning both in the 5th. So feeling confident, although slightly stiff he started well. At 2/1 down and looking as if he was game over he clawed his way back to win the 4th. The deciding game was a disappointment, with energy levels low and achillies hurting, he lost 9/5.

On the next court, Nigel was huffing and puffing against his oppo. Both were exasperated, with classic Camel shots being played and his oppo getting frustrated and snatching at shots he wouldn’t normally miss. On winning the 4th game, they both were leaving the court, when the marker announced that a let should be played. Nigel managed to gather breath and reminded the marker that this oppo had not asked for one (which he hadn’t) and therefore it was his game. All agreed, and the final game commenced after a much needed rest. It was a match that either could have won with match balls on either side. Sadly draws are not permitted, and Nigel eventually lost 10/9 in the 5th.

It was not the best of games from captain Ian, who faced a dynamic youngster. Although he fought well, it was a one sided battle and The Pig was unable to salvage a point.

Jim likewise faced a tough opponent and unusually went down 3/0. There was no chickening out, just out classed and out run.

Finally The Python stepped up to salvage some respect for the fading bulls. Chez isn’t renowned for playing well away from home but this all changed on Tuesday. There was nothing between the two players (apart from years) and both were totally committed to the win. The only weakness I could observe in Chez’s game was him serving out, too many times. With a packed gallery, at 2 games all, they clawed ever nearer to the magical 9 points. At 8 all, again a draw was offered, but a surly Wayne said “play on”. Eventually Chez lost 10/9 and we all retreated to the bar to enjoy the Chesham Bois hospitality. We didn’t make the 8 points as desired by our Captain but we will never win a harder fought 6 points.

Kevin Mears

Bears Two for One: vs Bulls and Chesham Bois Old Boys

Going into this match it has to be said the Bears were feeling pretty comfortable. A good few wins under our belts, and riding high in the table, we were looking forward to following up our beating of the Bulls before Christmas with another thrashing. The only fly in the ointment was the lack of Lady Bear who was resting her poorly foot after rather overdoing the training prior to a tournament. However, never fear, the Bears' lucky talisman was there to support and offer useful advice. (oh, and drink. Mostly to drink - I’m good at that - even when injured. You didn't think I turned up for the squash did you?).
It didn’t quite go to plan though. We thought Olly was our ‘banker’ at four, but instead he put in a performance that you could use another, very similar, word for. He succumbed 3-0 to the wiles of Kev, looking extremely lacklustre it has to be said. We have to hope that at some point this season Olly will actually remember how to play squash. It’s not looking promising at the moment though.
Ah, we thought, our Captain Bear has been playing well, and against the increasingly decrepit Trev, he’s an almost certain victor. And things did look good. What we failed to take into account was the Captain’s fragile mental state. And against the maestro of gamesmanship that is Trev, that was always going to be a problem. And once the chat started, Dave’s game went down the toilet. 1-3. We were in trouble – 2-0 down!
We were fairly sure that our superstar No. 1 seed would make short work of Chris, as he did last half. And so it proved. Adam floated round the court and made it look very easy indeed. 3-0. 2-1.
And Dave at No.2 proved his capability by stuffing the Pig to 3 as well. Even if he does throw both his arms in the air when hitting a hard backhand down the line – it’s like some weird kind of flamenco move. 2-2.
So it was all on our illustrious No.3. Phil had proved his mettle with some tough victories this season, and assuming today was a day when he could actually see the ball, we thought he’d make short work of Coops. At 2-0 down though, we were starting to get worried, very worried. But as his unorthodox and frankly (for his opponent) very annoying game started to ratchet up, Jim looked increasingly confused. Phil ground away and Jim seemed to increasingly lose the plot. We Bears began to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Could he? Could he really? He only bloody could!!!! 3-2!! And a 3-2 victory to the Bears – grabbing victory from the jaws of defeat. To the bar!!!!
Part 2 of our back to back was a trip up to the affable hospitality of our old friends (literally) at Chesham Bois. The Seniors were one place and six points ahead of us in the league, so it mattered. The heat was also on my captaincy after the team sheet came out: I had rested Adam for the first time in the season (risk?); kept my faith in Olly, even though his miserable run of form had continued against the Bulls (bigger risk?); and played myself with Egan eagerly waiting in the wings, refreshed after his sojourn Down Under (after my craven capitulation against Jones, huge risk). Eyebrows were raised, beards were thoughtfully stroked, and teeth worryingly sucked – would the Captain’s decisions be vindicated against the wily old campaigners in Amersham?
Ah, gentle reader, have faith. The Bears’ spirit is strong since we last tasted defeat way back in October. So strong in fact that Adam decided that he’d come along and support us even though he wasn’t playing – an outstanding and much appreciated effort. The evening kicked off with Lady Bear, foot now intact again, against Neal Gibbons at 4. Jo was at one stage one game down and facing game points in the second, yet showed the grit and determination which has characterized her squash this season to pull through 3-1, winning the 4th 10-9. Thus her remarkable statistic of played 7, won 7 continues.
I was on the other court against Mick O’Sulllivan at 5. I’d beaten Mick a couple of years ago quite easily, but he was coming back after knee surgery then and this time he was a different proposition. The match turned out to be a bit of an epic, with every game closely fought. Mick countered my successful short game by pinning me at the back with a classy lofted high game. I was given wise counsel by Phil and DP inbetween games (“get your work rate up you lazy b******d, he’s 20 years older than you!”) and finally after well over an hour I came from 3-7 down in the 5th to win 9-7. I crawled off court and nearly vomited. Satisfied guys?
Olly up next against Steve Hunt at 3 and we were all very hopeful, especially after he narrowly lost the first 10-8 and cruised the second 9-2. Was this the night for that elusive first win of the season? But then the enigma of why such a talented player can’t win at the moment returned, and the brilliance faded along with his energy levels. Frustrating doesn’t even start to describe it. But he’s too classy not to come good soon. 1-3 loss.
So, down to our big guns to finish the job off. Dave Powell is quality and is getting better every week. I had asked him whether his shoulders were broad enough to carry the grave responsibility of the Number 1 slot. He gave me a long, silent look which suggested that I had all the motivational skills of a dose of syphilis. Sure enough, after a false start in the first game he deployed that howitzer of a backhand to great effect in dispatching Richard Eaton-Hart 3-1.
So, match won and we could all relax and enjoy the spectacle of a Clash of the Titan-ium knee joints: Phil Alexander against Rob Ballingall. I’ve witnessed many a match which was a pissing contest of who could hit the ball the hardest, but I’ve never before seen a match which was a contest of who could hit the most cunning, inventive and outrageous shots in a rally. It was as ridiculous as it was amazing to watch: the ball hardly made it to the back wall. At times it seemed as if they were just hitting it back to each other but it was actually because both men’s Jedi skills of anticipation and mind-reading were cancelling each other out. Eventually, Phil double-twisted Rob once too often and the latter’s leg went, so Phil won the last two games far too easily, sadly for us spectators. 3-2.
So, a hard-fought 4-1 win which lifts us above them into third in the table, which is something to be proud of especially given that we lost our first few matches. Our winning streak now extends to 6 matches and at the moment we are feeling pretty bullish about being a Bear. Next week we will be depleted, however, so let’s enjoy it whilst we can.

Bulls v Chesham Bois Wrinklies

Last night a "full strength" Bulls team entertained the Olds Boys of Chesham.

Now I know our club has never been famed for its warm courts but has our Chairman ran out of coins to put in the meter?  Sub zero squash has never been much fun, especially for the physically or mentally infirm.  I detected an absence of enthusiasm from our old boys and their old boys for the conditions but we all put on extra layers, put the snow tyres on the zimmer frames and took to the court.

First up was Koala, to face Neal Gibbons.  Before the game Kevin did mention he'd pulled his achilles.  I applied all I had to hand (an energy gel, which I thought might work as a placebo) to said achilles and expected him back 5 mins later.  He took the first game in a blaze of errors from Neal.  Neal then found some form in the second which, helped by kev's apparent desire not to get the ball past the T, gave Neal the second game.  Kevin then took the next two games 9/7 each with the occasional wince (or wink, it was never obvious) to the gallery.  Well done Koala.  He's manning-up big style.

Whilst I was impeccably marking the Koala's game, Chicken (Jim) was doing an absolutely fantastic job of marking The Fox against Jeremy.  I didn't see the game (for which see Trev's report), but there were questions afterwards about the "doubler" incident.  This didn't refer back to Trev's hedonistic rock and roll years, but the fact that Jim could see what no one else could (or would admit to).  It's not for me to judge the situation, but in my time in the Bulls, I have had heard and received similar allegations from Trev. I am sure Trev is in the right sometimes……………

Whilst the Fox was licking his wounds, I marked the first game in Camel's match against Steve Hunt.  You’d think a droppy, lobby, boasty sort of game would suit the cold courts.   Possibly.  But not if the error rate is in the upper quartile and the movement of the players is "statuesque".  After a few rallies, I did wonder if I should change the ball to a red spot.   And then after I'd already awarded a couple of lets (and the game was stuck at 1-1 after a dozen handouts), I did recommend that both players tried harder to clear the ball and it was no excuse that "the ball is cold and you're both old".  Sorry both, quite uncalled for.  It was a close game, with the Camel succumbing to a stroke at 9-9.  The Fox then returned and took over. The scorecard shows a close game with the Camel edging it 3-2. 

In the space of that one game, The Chicken despatched Chris Jordan.  I suspect it was something of a clash of styles, with The Chicken promoting a more tactical rally approach and Chris going for winners at every opportunity.  The winners didn’t happen and The Chicken won 9-6, 9-2, 9-0.

I then went on at 9pm against Richard.  In the warm-up, I was delighted to see he liked to hit it pretty hard, could move about a bit and most importantly was definitely a bit older than me.  My game plan became obvious.  Rally it until his legs fall off.  It didn't work of course.  He had the fitness of a spaniel, the retrieval abilities of, erm, a retriever and was just generally very dogged (sorry).  He took the first 9/4, I took the second 9/4.  We then got into a battle in the third.  Despite very clear guidance from the gallery (drop it - "he's standing so far back, he's in the ladies showers"), I continued with the plan, served at least twice for the third game and then tinned it in an attempted reverse boast to lose it 9-10.  I blame Koko's attendance for me trying such a deft shot and my own inflexible tactics.  Although I thought I still felt the stronger, I lost the fourth 0-9.  Clearly more work to do.

A good result (14-9) moving us above the Upstarts, against whom we play next week.  Come on the old Bulls!

Pig

PS: Chesham Old Boys, I know you read these reports.  Have we got a Mole in the Bulls menagerie?

Q: What do you get when a Chicken screws a Fox?

So, I was 2-0 down, struggling for form. 7-2 down in the 3rd and eyeing a demoralizing defeat. I'd earlier confessed to Napoleon that "if I can't win at 5 against The Old Codgers I might as well sell my racket". I'd lost my shoes (later found in lost property) so was wearing the trainers of a man with feet the size of barges; Christ those things entered the court 5 minutes before I did! At least that gave me an excuse for failure didn't it? Anyway, at 7-2 down I made a mini comeback; got to 7 all and then, after a scrambling rally (at least 10 shots; the match's longest) I dropped the ball in the nick to go 8-7 up. As I stepped up to serve for a game that would surely lead to inevitable, glorious victory a whispering came from above.
"Trev, erm, Trev, could you play a 'let' on that?" 
"Uh?"
"I, erm, think that there might have been a dodgy pick up at the start of the rally"
Jeremy my opponent looked as puzzled at this intrusion as I did, an intrusion that even St Piggin would have thought twice about. Jeremy, realizing his good fortune mumbled 'yes please, thank you..." 
The gallery all looked at their shoes, I looked at my size 13s (laces undone), WKP just mugged and laughed.
No explosion I'm proud to say just a sanguine nod and an acceptance of the inevitability of it all.
We played a let and I lost the next 3 points and the match.
The Pig will write a full match report that I'm sure will muster 'understanding' for Cooper's bewildering benevolence.
Me? I shall be taking a dump in one of his shoes at the earliest possible opportunity.
Oh, and the racket's anyone's for a fiver...

Q: What do you get when a Chicken screws a Fox?
A: Not even a whispered apology...

Bears v Bulls

The return match of the Bears v Bulls match kicks off at 7.30pm tonight.
Let's hope that it's a livelier affair than the last muted mis-match.
This time we have:
Adam Pyne v Chris Guildersleve
Chris is graciously guesting for the Bulls; although the only real benefit from his inclusion is that Kevin is not now the ugliest team member...
Dave Powell v The Pig
Could be a thrashathon. Let's hope that Ian can disrupt The Turtle's feisty focus.
Koko v The Chicken
This is where it gets interesting. Koko is a past master whose fading light remains kindled by his exquisitely unpredictable dexterity. If Jim can hang in and grind it out Phil may well fade.
Jo v The Koala
Stock up on the Pinot; Kev should send Jo to the bar early (20 minutes?) inevitably doubling the club's takings.
Capt Kangaroo v Fox
Dave stuffed me 3-0 in our recent league game so either I'm in free fall decline or his years of coaching are starting to sink in. Could go either way (and that's just his backhand...)

Big Bird's Boy Done Good

The Lovely Lisa (our maiden behind the bar) should be proud as a peacock over her son's recent cricket career upswing. England Twenty20 international batsman Alex Hales struck a rapid 89 on his Big Bash debut, having just arrived in Australia to play for Melbourne Renegades a day after signing for them.
Alex Hales went aerial en route to his 52-ball 89 on Big Bash debut. He smashed eight sixes, two of which were competition records.
The powerful 24-year-old right-handed opener's runs occupied only 52 balls and included eight sixes and five fours. Two of the maximums, measuring 111 and 107 metres, were records in this season’s competition.
Hales, who was eventually caught by Nottinghamshire team-mate Michael Lumb at deep cover off Moises Henriques, added 112 for the third wicket with Ben Rohrer, who made 57.
Their efforts, in particular, underpinned a commanding 178 for five for the league leaders versus Sydney Sixers, who were 149 all out in 20 overs at the SCG.

Confession of a Lucky Man

This photo contains my two favourite things...

I met one of them 26 years ago today.

Forgot to mention it this morning...

Do I:

A: Apply 'Fast Fret' and restring?

B: Have a shave and grovel?

Answers (or suggestions) below please...

Bulls v Bears

This encounter is usually a fun and feisty affair; fueled by a genuine competitive edge.
Sad to report that it was a rendered a limp dick; predictably impotent.
For the record:
The top 3 games were essentially exhibition matches; I'm sure that Adam, Dave (Powell) and Koko would have enjoyed a run out but (with respect to Ian and Jim) weren't remotely challenged by the best that The Bulls could muster:
Pig v Adam Pyne  0-3
Chicken v Dave Powell  0-3
Fox v Phil Alexander 0-3
Koala Kev and Oliver Reeves at least threatened some kind of encounter before Olly's achilles rendered him lackluster. 3-1
The Gnat, struggling with a bad back, was ill advised to play immediately after a session with Priya. She took the first game against Jo Smalley before becoming a passenger; eventually retiring. 1-3
4-17 to The Bears then...
Well done Bears!
Apologies that it wasn't more competitive.
Thanks to those who turned up.
Sorry it wasn't more of a show.
I think that The Bulls might be rotating the squad at Xmas to relieve and rebuild confidence.
Still, we had plenty of time for a pleasant little drink afterwards, dulled the pain nicely, nearly hitting £150 on the bar bill. A record of sorts I think...

Lino Laments (2)

In church I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer.
It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:

Dear Lord,
This has been a tough two or three years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite musician Michael Jackson.
My favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.
And now my favourite singer Whitney Houston.
I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are:
Ed Miliband, David Cameron, George Osbourne, Nick Clegg and Ed Balls.

Xmas Party/New Years Eve

Last Saturday's Xmas party was fun, if a little under attended.
The happy few that partook (16 folk) had a fine time.
It might be an idea to fix your gaze on New Years Eve; a grand event to celebrate with your friends and family.
£30 gets you entry, nibbles and a free bar; excellent value for what is often a pricey and unfocussed night of the year.
Tickets are NOW on sale.
Kids go Free!
Disco, table tennis and pool on the night.
Get the party fixed in your diaries.
Oh, and don't forget that the 31st is also the deadline for you annual subs...

Break In B*stards

Exactly a week after WKP got his car broken into, Dave Powell suffered the same fate tonight; 7.12pm.
Same space: It's the far corner, sideways up against the wall, although the CCTV shows a hoody f*cker (sorry but no other term applies) casing everyone's motor in the car park before fixing on poor Dave.
I suggest baseball bats and zero tolerance...
Kev has just emailed this:

Beaconsfield Squash Club Ltd
News & Events

Car Break In

All

I regret to advise, that another car has been broken into in the Club car park this evening. This follows one that occurred at the same time last week.

Could I remind you all to be extra vigilant and not leave anything on display that might attract unwanted attention.

The police have been informed and we will investigate ways of upgrading the car park security.

Kevin Mears

Xmas Team Night Out: 14th December

As already communicated to some of you...

To all Team players (Racketball + Squash) and anyone else up for a night out.

Join your fellow members for a night touring the local Beaconsfield hostelries at this festive time.

Start 7.30pm at the Club for some hors d'oeuvres of Bud/Stella/Rebellion.

Then from @ 8.30 onwards an educational trip around the various Ale Houses of this famous market town, sampling their wares.

Route and venues to be confirmed.

Possible curry at the end of the evening once thirsts fully quenched.

See you there
Dan

Lions v Booker

Wednesday this week saw the Lions take on Booker.
Such is the appeal of playing for the 1st team these days that 15 players
were tapped up before 5 players could be assembled.
The excuses were a mix of the obvious (injured, work commitments, company
xmas bash etc) to the downright unbelievable ('at my rowing club lunch' -
but Kevin you are only 5'2' and don't row / 'at the county council
presenting planning applications' - but Phil the town hall assembly only
meet 9-5pm!).

Despite these set backs a decent team of Paul, Nic, Dan, Chris G and Capt
Kangaroo were confident of a good result v a weakened Booker.

Paul and Nic went on early. Paul having a good hit with Adam Edge (Tom
Power was AWOL) who dug in and tried his best but was no real match for
Paul's quality and mobility. 3-0
(Did you know Paul has won both the North and West of England O40 Masters
events this season and is in line to represent England in the Home Nations
matches - a fantastic achievement).

Nic faced a chunky lad named Simon who has the crispest left hand drive and
volley I have seen for a long while smashing nicks from everywhere. NM
battled well and came back from 2-1 down matching his oppos winners with
some fine touches of his own. At 5-5 in 5th with Simon tiring Nic pulled
ahead to match point. But some more amazing nicks later the match went away
9-10, 2-3.

Chris was playing Jo Smalleys eye candy 'Gorgeous George' and was second
best initially, then staging a comeback in 3rd with a better length and
pace, only for 4th to go away far too quickly 1-3.

Dave F played Rob Wallace at 5 a new face to me who was keen , stylish but
beatable. Dave didn't really get into the match, struggling to keep each
game score close until too far behind. A gallant effort and some good
rallies but wrong result 0-3.

I went on at 3 v Mark Brown and had an enjoyable game. Despite playing
injured and hobbling about on one leg I was able to put him under enough
pressure to force the error or create the winner. 3-1.

So a disappointing defeat 9-14.
CK and Matt back next week so come along and watch last home match of the
year @ Weds 12 Dec v Aylesbury.

Lino Laments

The first in a series of 'Cautionary Tales' from our very own 'Italian Stallion':

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at B&Q. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of this while out shopping. Simply going out to a DIY store has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how it works:
Two gorgeous, uni-aged girls will come over to your car or van as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with everything almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts; it's impossible not to look!
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle.
On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also November 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 12th, and very likely again this coming weekend.
Please pass this on to your friends so to warn them to be careful as it’s a horrible way to take advantage of older men.
Oh, by the way, Costco has wallets on sale for £2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones at the Pound Shops and bought them out of all of their stock in three of their stores.
Please send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout.

Lino
P.S. I hear that the best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.