Holmer Green v Bulls' Bare Bones

HG Upstarts v Bulls

By The Dodo (Bullard)

Almost didn’t recognise the venue, they’ve painted it, very bright.  They’ve also done something about the heating, last time I played there it was so hot I thought my shorts were on fire.  I assume their heating bill must have had something to do with sacrificing a considerable home advantage.

First up, yours truly.  A little apprehensive as it was my first game of the season – fit but untested.  My opponent was Nick, who had a haircut uncannily like Bart Simpson’s, and only looked a little older.  Started off reasonably well, but soon found that Nick was very quick (Quick Nick, I guess).  About 3 or 4 times I played a perfect drop shot, but he still got them back.  

First game see-sawed a bit, but lost 3-0.

On the next court was Natalie, didn’t see the game, but it didn’t bode well when we met at the water fountain after my first game and she was already 2-0 down.  I asked her afterwards what happened, and she said she “had been looking at leaves through a microscope all day”(?)

Lost 3-0

The Camel was on next, made a slow start (no surprise there), and lost the first game to a young, thrusting Darren.  I’ll come back to this later.

Jim was playing Mark Mellett. Mark bears a striking similarity to two yards of tapwater and was feeling a bit peaky due to running a half marathon.  Mark has two killer shots, returning a lob serve and waiting till you think he has left it too late before playing it back down the wall, both of which he used to great effect against Jim.  However, Jim gradually worked out that Mark was reluctant to move more than two steps in any direction and started to make progress with useful drop shots.  His big chance came in the third game when he was 8-2 up.  Unfortunately, uncharacteristically inconsistent play meant he let the chance slip through his fingers and lost 3-0.

Meanwhile, the Camel was now 2-1 down and just warming up.  I don’t often feel sorry for opponents, but this was torture to watch. Relentlessly plodding.  You could see it coming, as inevitable a trip in a hangman’s cart.

Big Pig was up last, playing Ross Baker, a big slippery dude who liked to play cute shots. Ian’s orthodox power game looked solid enough, but didn’t really pose any difficulty to the tricky Mr Baker. There were a few occasions when a simple drop shot by Ian would have been enough, but his drive kept letting Ross back in.  A close third game and I think he had game ball, but he just couldn’t close it.  Lost 3-0

Meanwhile, the Camel had triumphed! 3-2, what a win.  Darren was seriously miffed.  All that work and nothing to show for it.

A disappointing night for an under strength Bulls.  Things can only improve.  Come back Trevor.

John Bullard

Super 2nds v Buckingham

The 2nds welcomed Buckingham squash club last night, who boast a membership of about 75 with many old farts, resulting in a pool of about 25 playing members. Membership costs £26 pa! We'll see what it's like when we visit in January.

Toby played a German called Torben and poor Torben got 5 points all match as a determined and ever fitter Toby had one complaint, "I am getting to the ball too quickly, I now know how Harry felt after all his training with Matt Burnett" 3-0 Toby

Kev, guesting for the 2nds is lacking power due to scar tissue around his shoulder patted the ball around, a la Steve Cox but after a tight first game talked his oppo out of the next 2 to win 3-0. With his constant chat and looks to the gallery is he the new Bob Heard?

Neil was next against Darren Trotter (great name) an enthusiastic Auzzie who is very proud of his nation recently winning the female 20/20 World Cup! Great times for the Brits and Europeans. Neil was hopeless and hapless, not a happy camper at all. He took the first game and from there it all went downhill as Neil lost 1-3.

Antti played Dom West and destroyed him for 3 points. Antti is back and Toby has duly collected his bonus, he is a big banker after all!

I played Angus an unorthodox player, Bulls and Bears will see later. I took the first easily, went 7-2 down in the 2nd before taking it and the third. 3-0 win.

4-1 win, 17- 6. 
Next week we're against the Bears and we already 2 players down. 
I have sent an SOS to Ian and fellow Bulls for reinforcements against a heavily stacked Bears team which if all the best players played would challenge for the league! 
I don't expect Trevor to help out though! 
Gazza

In the name of fair play one would hope that the Bears might start resting or rotating their squad. Ask the club captain for guidance if you're short Gazza (or for the logic behind the squad machinations); it'll be @40 minutes after you need it, but you're sure to get a balanced response... 
Meanwhile, The Bulls got 4 points last night... 
Trev x

Super 2nds Reports. 3 for 1

Super 2nds v Chesham 1879

We were caught cold and given an early lesson in reverse phycology from captain Roger Hill. Stung by my rejecting his request to change the fixture as in his words “the season has come upon us and we're not ready” he paid the price of a first class ticket to bus in Sam Watts to play at 1 pushing Charlie Yerrell to 2. My groan was a loud one. He played a hapless Toby who won just 4 points and can now be seen serving out his punishment each Sunday afternoon as Andy Longman takes us to a few heart beats short of cardiac arrest.

Antti played Charlie and the flying Finn had a long and tight first game, lost it and the 2^nd but came back strongly in the 3^rd to take it. 2-1 Charlie and his was visibly tiring such was the tenacity of Antti. In the 4^th Antti had a mini meltdown having fully played a shot and afterwards asking for a let, saying he was impeded. No let was given and Antti’s fight went with the decision going down 3-1. Antti has the potential to take Charlie to 5. Next time!

Neil was up against the young Joe Yerrell and a more corpulent and rusty Neil struggled with the pace. All those late night beers at Seer Green’s excellent Jolly Cricketers finally told and Neil is promising to shed several stone in January. What’s more he is willing to do it with someone else, a mutual self-flagellation. Could our very own Chairman be about to lose half his body weight? 3-0 Joe.

I played the smoking and drinking man that is Steve French. Fatherhood and sheer exhaustion have taken away these vices and he just wanted his bed and dummy. I won 3-1.

                                                                                                                                                               

Then came Phil A, the prodigal son returning before disappearing again to become a Bear. He was a man barely alive, rebuilt, stronger, faster (sadly untrue) but he was too much for his corpulent oppo and ran out with a 3-0 win. Beac 2 lost 3-2 and 14-7 and I felt proper turned over as Sam is unlikely to play again this season and Charlie is starting a degree course which will mean he won’t play much for the rest of the season.

Gazza  

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Super 2nds v Booker

Beac 2 hit the road to take on the unbeaten WSRC 2, Booker to you and me. 

Antti went on first against another leftie and he lost 3-0 for 11 points in the time I had played 2 games on the other court! Clearly not happy with his game he lost 3-0 at the weekend to Dan in a league match and then had his game analysed and tweaked by no less than our new coach Toby. Antti tells me he is back and we will see against Buckingham tomorrow.

I played a 6’2 16 year old called Ed Walker who had just lost in the final of the county under 16 tournament in Thame. Oh shit! Fortunately he had a young temperament to match and I nicked the first 2 games before losing the 3^rd 9-1. He was confident now. The Andy Longman training kicked in and I managed to win the game 10-8 and win the match 3-1.

Neil went on against Dave Dunbar who I hadn’t seen before. A tight 1^st game which could go either way and in the time I moved away to look at something more interesting Neil had won it. Then his oppo decided that he had an unhealthy relationship with his squash grip and only took another point in the next 2 games. 3-0 to Neil.

Toby v George Goodchild – 2 bankers apparently, who am I to argue!? A yo-yo match, 1-1 and then 2-2 with Toby losing the 4^th 1-9. He then went on to win the 5^th 9-1 and the match 3-2.

Chris v Mark Brown – the knock up was a closely fought affair and I thought Chris edged it. I was ready to pack up then but Brownie had other ideas, namely tonking Chris 3-0 for 9 points.

We beat them 3-2 and 13-9, a great win against a strong side.

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Super 2nds v CB Juniors – 25^th September

Dirty’s arse was dragged in, albeit a late one! I made him mark though so all the usually tricks didn’t happen. 

Antti went on first v Andy Piper whose ankle has be rebuilt following an horrendous injury playing our very own Chris a season or 2 ago. Andy, precision shot maker took the first game but could contain Antti no further who took the next 2 games for 1 point before closing out 9-6 to win 3-1.

Next up was me v the tall Tim Leslie-Smith, a jovial chap who worked hard but he was on the back foot and lost quite quickly. 3-0 to me.

Neil  then played Dave Jordan, a runner and Neil still looking rusty lost the first game, took then next 2 before a tight 4^th game ended 9-7 to Neil. Neil won 3-1

Chris v Mile Thorpe – I didn’t see this match but Chris was complaining of jet leg and not having a good night’s sleep for days. Chris lost 3-0 and looked marginally greyer after than when he first arrived.

Dirty v Tom Paine – a niggly match, quell surprise! I had the pleasure of marking part of it and Dirty’s form is slowly returning whilst his contrary behaviour to oppo and marker is undiminished.

4-1 Beac 2 and 16-6, first win

Bulls v Chesham Upstarts. The Pig Sees No Ships

As you can see, Ian 'Pig' Piggin writes as he plays; with a lots of energy and a complete lack of flair. 

He was there, but was an apparently witless witness.

Trev x

PS: We are hoping to welcome a resurgent Dave 'The Turtle' Powell to our ranks (still awaiting confirmation) and need to re-christen 'Toffy' Taylor.

Our chairman needs an animal moniker too. He suggests 'The Elephant' (because of the size of his trunk, he says) but having showered with him I'd suggest 'The Acorn'. I have however been informed that an acorn is not an animal, and that neither is an 'Arseh*le'. 

I therefore await educated suggestions from Bulls only. 

There is a 'Meercat' btw...

I kicked off with Steve - far too young, fit and measured for me at the moment.  I got the third game but should have done better.

1-3

I marked the Camel's 5 game "shortest-rally" competition with a rather feisty chap called Phil. Nigel went 2 ahead with deft lobs, drop shots and wise shot selection.  Phil then got a big angry which somehow reduced his error rate.  Weird.  After much trade-mark panting, the Camel hung on for a well deserved win.

3-2

I didn't see our esteemed Chairman's game, but was glad his shoulder held it together.  No doubt the play was peppered with those deceptive drops he enjoys so much.

2-3

The Fox was impressive I'm sure (but I didn't see it), duffing-up his oppo in 3.

3-0

 

The evening ended with an impressive win for our chicken, beating Sam M in 3. Again, I didn't see any of it but I am sure it was a fine performance. 

3-0

Next week: away at Holmer Green.

Team:

Pig

Chicken

Fox

Camel

Gnat

Wanabee Lions

Andy Longman is doing some personal training with Gazza, CK, Magic and Tredders.
I'm not sure if this is classified info but here are the results.
I'm not the best with spread sheets (or, indeed, hospital corners) but it seems that a certain 50 something is top of the pops... 'TJ' by the way, is not me, but that other god of the courts; Toby Johnson.
As you can see, some are of the pride; others have delusions of grandeur...

Andy writes:

Morning Gents, trust the lactic acid is wearing off.....

Here are the fitness test results, well done for your efforts last night, hope you can all see the potential benefits.  Now all we have to do is train harder!

Next week we have to do the session at 3.40-4.40.  We will be training:-

Anerobic threshold - YUK!
Explosive power and direction change -FUN!
Core stability (lots of) - OUCH!
Leg strength and balance - EASY!
Flexibility - OMG!

8 corner repeated speed test
name	set1	set2	set3	set4	set5	set6	total	average
Tredders	25.9	29.7	29.7	27.6	28.5	27.5	168.9	28.15
CK	30.2	29.1	30.2	30	29.1	29.4	178	29.66667
TJ	22.4	23.4	23.9	24.9	24	24.1	142.7	23.78333
Gazza	24.7	25.2	25.1	25.7	25.2	25.1	151	25.16667
Major Muscle Endurance
name	PRESS UPS		BURPEES		V-SITS		SQUAT THRUSTS WIDE
Tredders	55		23		20		56
CK	52		23		13		89
TJ	38		22		31		60
Gazza	54		26		36		81

2 for 1: Match Reports: Lions v Chesham Bois 1 and Tring

Lions off to a shaky start
P2 W1 L1 

So another season underway in a 21 match season of battling out for the Div 1 title...

First up v CB1s:

Paul Boyle kicked off proceedings against Tim 'Zebedee' King at No1. Paul had to stay alert to ensure Tim's impressive running did not cause too many problems, winning 3-0 (in 50mins!) of all-court squash. 

CK was out hit and out run 0-3 by the accomplished Dan Colquhorn at 2. 

Similar treatment for Nic at 3 vs the fast improving Sam Pothecary. 

In the battle of players on the decline I managed to see off Paul Bolton 3-1 and game of the night Antti debuting for Lions played a blinder, beating Tom Paine in 4 very close games by keeping his head and running down the ball. 

So a tight 13-8 victory.

Tring 

This week we hosted Tring and welcomed back Mark T from his holiday to LA. Complaining (for a change) of jet lag he played a beatable Tim Delderfield but deep in a close first suffered from cramp. MT played thru the pain (unlike ex- junior players who walk off court when cramping - I'm still smarting!!) but to no avail losing 0-3. 

CK at 2 played R Carr and entertained the gallery with a long, hard 5 game thriller of contrasting styles. From 0-2 down he won 3rd 10-9 and went deep in the 5th only to lose out after a 70 mins battle. 

Nic at 3 was rejuvenated after last week and duffed up the dangerous Greg Proudfoot 3-0 in 30 mins. At 4 I was out gunned by the unorthodox and deceptive backhand of Martin Harding 1-3. 

Equal game of the night was Magic playing the wily Iain Digby at 5. The games see-sawed with Toby trading rallies his ex-body had no right to be in let only chase down and win. At 8-8 in the 5th when a decisive shot was needed, a slight hesitation and a winner from Diggers and it was all over 2-3. 
So a (1-4) 8-16 defeat.

The new catering arrangements were fully approved after lashings of Thai Green Curry. 
Just like Trev, the Basmati is so last year.

Looking at the league table of the 4x teams that have played twice all have won 1 and lost 1 - so looks like a tight season ahead

Dirty 

Bulls v Chesham Wrinklies

In place of a match report I will post this brief letter (see below) written by stand in Captain (proxy) Jim Cooper to stand out captain Ian Piggin (holiday) regarding last night's debacle.
On the back of the result we Bulls will be instigating a 'We Want Our Koko Back' campaign.
Koko was a designated Bull until nicked by Gazza's Super 2nds, who then jettisoned him, but back towards the Bears, not returning him to his obvious owners.
This leave the Bears with a top heavy 1/2 combo of Adam Pyne/Koko; whilst the best we Bulls can offer are the pitiful Pig at Number 1 & a calamitous Chicken at 2.
Hardly matches up does it?
There is talk of our Chairman joining the Bulls but, frankly, he ate all the pies.
The only glimmer of hope may be that the dim-wits who decide these things might nudge the happily resurgent Dave 'The Turtle' Powell (see, he's already been monikered) in the direction of the Bull pen; at least that would give us the semblance of a half chance and also save on me having to share my hair products with all and sundry.
Meanwhile, it was a pleasant evening with the old codgers of Chesham last night; the whiff of their testosterone (long gone) was replaced by the slight, sweet smell of smug senility...
It seems that, for the return home fixture, revenge will be a dish served cold with baked potatoes and a limp salad...
The BRING BACK BASMATI campaign will follow close on the heels of the current Koko campaign...
Here's The Chicken's purple prose:

Dear Ian

I’ve just changed into formal military attire and in front of me I have a large glass of malt and a colt 45. 
In the circumstances and following the abject performance from the Bulls last night I feel I’ll have to do the honourable thing!

Frankly it was a car wreck from start to finish. Apart from St John winning against that bloke in calipers we went down without a whimper (16:4). The old codgers could hardly believe their luck. So embarrassed were we that we found ourselves clubbing together afterwards to buy Aubrey’s latest novel!

I’ve booked a court at 7pm this Sunday. St John can’t make it and nor can Nat. If others intend coming then let me know and we can get another court. If I’m not there than you can assume the Samaritans haven’t been able to talk me out of it.

Jim

Beaconsfield Squash Club - Putting It About...

Club Captain Dan Fernandez writes:

The Fernandez, McNeil, Barker and Westall families donned their finest team shirts to promote the squash club at the Chalfont St.Giles county show on Sat 8th September. 

Facing scorching temperatures, distractions such as the 'White Helmets(!!)  - the Army motorcycle display team (what else!?!); dancing sheep and birds of prey - the team manned the Club stand comprising a mini squash practice area; free prizes of squash kit and rackets (provided by Longman Sports - thanks Andy), and new squash club posters. 
Leafletting and networking was vigorous ably helped by regular cold lager refreshments. 
We came away with much interest and a long list of prospects who are being invited to the Club Open Day this Sat 15 Sept 2-7pm 

Highlights of the day included Nigel dressing up as the squash rackets association mascot, 'Benson' and suddenly becoming a magnet for young ladies, and Dave Barker using the posters to create a sandwich-board style walking squash club advert 

                                Watch this space for the flood of new members..... 

Atko's Cautionary Tales Part 2

Another in the series from Atko; our chronicler of the sublime and the ridiculous:

This looks like another "Gold" medal opportunity...

Are you aware that a new world record has been set for the HIGH JUMP from a KNEELING position?


THE KNEELING HIGH JUMP 

This is Incredible!!!

The record set here is 0.757 meters - remember this is from a KNEELING position and was set recently on a beach near Montpellier in Southern France.
The photograph below was taken a split second before the jump – but it gives you an idea as to how it was achieved....... 

BEACONSFIELD SQUASH CLUB NEWSLETTER

Welcome to the weekly club newsletter.
Each week we will be sending you details on club events, team news, club offers and much more!

CLUB MEMBERSHIP DRIVE!
We have had a busy month encouraging new members.
The stand at the Chalfont St Giles Country Show proved very popular.  Thanks to Nigel McNeil and Dan Fernandez for organising and to Dave Barker and Tim Westall for also helping on the day.  We had much interest from adults and children alike, many children having a hit on the rebounder wall.  You may have seen coverage in the Bucks Free Press!

The Open Day was held last Saturday and several people we met at the show came down for a hit, including the winner of the free prize draw who tried out his new racket!
It was a busy day with new faces and several new memberships, so again thanks to those involved in organising.

SEPTEMBER MEMBERSHIP OFFERS
These offers are running until the end of the month. Please inform your friends, families, neighbours!
Family £399 (was £459)
Adult £250 (was £295)
Junior £50 (was £75)

CLUB USAGE
We are currently looking at ways to increase court usage at off-peak times (i.e. before 5pm).
Are there are any particular classes e.g. yoga, pilates, circuits that would interest you?

We currently have the following available:-

Racketball Fridays 11-12PM
Friday classes are now running and there are still places available. This is a great, fun class running for 6 weeks during school term time.
The cost is £30 members and £42 non-members.
Please contact Deborah Holmes on 07887 942046

Jim Carey:  Squash/Racketball coach
Jim offers individual and group coaching.
He is keen to start two new group coaching sessions (max 8 people) at 9.30 on both Wednesday and Friday mornings. He is more than happy for you to have a taster session with him beforehand.
Please contact Jim on 07710 460320 or the club for more information.

Katie Wallace: Fitness Trainer
Katie is currently running two fitness training sessions in house on Monday and Friday mornings from 9-10am.  These are held on the squash courts and are a total body work-out using equipment as appropriate.  The classes are pre-booked but places are still available. 
Please contact Katie on 07741 000600

UP COMING EVENTS
Please visit the club website www.beaconsfieldsquashclub.co.uk for all club events.

We now have a lively atmosphere in the bar and are keen for members to get involved in our social events.  Please let us know if there are any particular events you would love to see at the club.  We are always looking for new ideas!

QUIZ NIGHT – Saturday 29th September 7.30pm
Come join in the fun!
Teams of up to 6 people and no more!
Sign-up on the club events board.
The evening will be compared by our very own Trevor Jones and Carol & Chris Hosey have devised some challenging questions for you.
Food will also be available if we have enough take-up. We have provisionally booked chilli & rice, bread & green salad @ £7.50/head so please place your order/sign-up for this too.

JUNIOR ROLL-UP
The ever popular junior roll-up is held each Saturday from 5-7pm at the club.
Turn-up on the night £5 members and £7 non-members. 
This includes a drink and a packet of crisps! Always a favourite!
Have a drink at the bar whilst the children join in the fun.

POOL TABLE
Do you play pool?  Are you interested in a pool tournament?
We would also love to know how often and when you use the pool table.

CHANGE IN CLUB OPENING HOURS
The club will now open at 9.15am on Wednesday and Thursday mornings.
All other opening times remain the same.

YOU’RE VIEWS
We are always keen to hear your views.  Please email or take time to write your suggestions in the book situated in the club foyer.

If there is anything you would like included in the weekly newsletter, relevant to the club, please email Georgina Fernandez atsecretary@beaconsfieldsquashclub.co.uk by end of play on a Wednesday to be sure of inclusion in the next week's newsletter.

Many Thanks

Gazza Goes to Bollywood

Gazza and his lovely wife Anna (too good for him etc) are attending the venue below with some of their Yoga buddies.
He needs some like minded bodies to make up his table.
Please contact him here:
GarethA@ashingtonpage.co.uk

The World is Flat: Part 4: Departure Day

We're all busy packing for today's departure.
The weather forecast is dodgy which thankfully puts paid to WKP's madcap scheme to sail around Ireland in a day... I've been instructed to "bring travel scrabble." No problems in the competitive stakes there with two witless money makers (who do numbers but not words) and an Irishman who can't even pronounce ''potato' let alone spell it. In the 'fight for the right to skipper' stakes WKP does continue to demoralize the opposition with his propaganda: apparently Hosey is now 'Churchill'; not because of his girth and witty speeches but because... he can't say no...
"Ooooh Yes!"

Also, a revealing photo of Sturge has come to light; we always knew he hung put with the big knobs...