Class Bears End of Term Report – 9 out of 10.
By Form Tutor Captain Fielding (BA Hons)
Dear Headmaster,
Enclosed as requested the end of term report on one of your classes, the humble Bears. After last year’s disappointing exam results – narrowly avoiding a humiliating failure – it is a pleasure to report to you pleasing progress this year, finishing third overall in the inter-school league. This was an excellent result, particularly after a slow start to the academic year, with the class not up to full strength and not yet sure of itself. The Bears got into their stride, however, towards the end of 2012 and put together a sequence of winning 9 out of 10 matches, almost all 4-1 or better. This included victory in the epic Clash of the Titans against the eventual league winners, our colleagues Class Tigers. Modesty forbids me to go into detail over the score, suffice to say that if they hadn’t avoided the whitewash at 9-7 in the 5th game at 2250hrs then their tutor Mr Ashington probably wouldn’t have spoken to me for the rest of term. Instead, he has resorted to name calling, and frankly I find the allegation of “smug” to be beneath his (and your) standards, even if it is true. I hope you will take this into account when handing out staff roles for next year. I’m sure as well that the Governors will have noted that the member of staff for the Class Bulls, Mr Piggin, has shown much more dignity in defeat. He needs to control certain members of his class a little better next year, however, as they often exhibit far too much “lip”, particularly in articles written for the new electronic school newsletter.
A few lines on each pupil for the school records:
Main Team Players:
1) Pyne, AIrritatingly good for his age. Not really stretched at this level and I recommend moving him up a year. Lack of a real challenge sometimes led to disruptive behaviour in class, such as making opponents look monkeys and indulging in an activity known to the other boys as “arsing about”. Attendance excellent, attitude abysmal. A very satisfying year for him.
2) Powell, DAttendance questionable, often missing lessons on flimsy pretexts such as “skiing”, “business”, or “not living in this country”. When he was present, however, Powell exhibited pleasing squash with real individualism, even inventing a whole new style of backhand known as the ‘Flamenco.’ Any signs of rustiness at the start of the year after his lay-off due to the school exchange programme with Australia quickly disappeared, though his fitness sometimes gives the impression of still having a tinnie by the barbeque. With work on this, Powell could be a real asset to the class next year.
3) Alexander, POne of the more experienced boys, Alexander has been a reassuringly steady influence on the other class members this year. Thriving under his nomenclature of “Koko” – which is apparently due to his peculiar taste in trouser and not, as I had thought, because of his favourite evening drink – he has consistently delivered for the class. Has left many an opponent shaking his head in disbelief at his trickery on court. I recommend, however, next year that he cycles to school instead of driving, as too often I have found him to be asleep in the first part of the lesson. Excellent when awake, however.
4) Reeves, OA disappointing start to the year, when Reeves missed most classes by having to go to the sanitorium for one reason or another, sometimes halfway through a lesson. At one stage his participation rate was so poor that I considered dropping him down a year. However, Reeves showed great character towards the end of the Lent term and bounced back with a string of top quality results and I am delighted with his overall progress, as is Matron (who frankly is glad to see the back of him.) Brought a puppy to the last class of the year, which was a nice touch.
5) Smalley, J (Ms)As the class’s minority representative, Smalley has had an excellent year. Discovered a grittiness when faced with difficult questions, which wasn’t present last year, and this enabled her to win her first 7 consecutive matches. Mercilessly exploited the BBAG factor when playing other all-male school teams, and left more than one poor opponent dreading the trip home in the school minibus being taunted by his fellow classmates for being beaten by a girl. Has yet to explain why we go through more team refreshment oranges when she plays than when she doesn’t.
6) Fielding, DOutstanding.
7) Egan, ADisappointing year overall. Excellent in training and shows much promise, yet seems not to be able to deliver it when it counts. This is probably entirely due to his alleged Welsh heritage. His position as Head of the School Enterprise & Finance Team has also caused conflicts, and his attendance in class has suffered as a result. Must learn to convert ruthlessness from one arena to the other, otherwise we will have to give him one of Ms Smalley’s skirts to wear in class next year.
Support Players
Graham, R
Stalwart class member. Always willing to play and give his best, yet despite clear natural ability seems unable to finish an opponent off. It is tempting to put this down to youthful inexperience. Tempting, but sadly incorrect. I’m sure he will work hard over the summer holidays to rectify this.
Speculand, A
The newest member of the class, young Speculand has made an extremely promising start to his time in the Bears. Winning his first ever match first time of asking, his performances over the year bode well for the future as he gains experience. Was given a baby rabbit for Christmas and unfortunately his duties in feeding it, clearing out its cage etc. meant that his attendance wasn’t as frequent as we would have liked it to be, but we look forward to him being able to give more time to his studies next year.
Collings, P
Another solid member of the class, delivering some excellent performances throughout the year, most notably when he took on the school Chicken (who was dressed as a Tiger at the time) before Xmas and only narrowly lost. Won his first match in the very last outing of the term, which should give him great heart for next year.
Chapples (major)
The effort of his one outing for the class unfortunately put him in the sanitorium for the rest of the year, such is the fragility of his aged body. His support of classmates was exemplary, however, and he could often be found briefly sticking his nose over the balcony, shouting some words of encouragement, and then wandering off in search of beer.
Chapples (minor)
Brought up from the junior school when a mysterious outbreak of nowayamidrivingtofuckingbuckinghamitis, struck down most of the class for the last outing of term. Very promising introduction, and we look forward to welcoming him fully to the class when he joins the senior school in the next year or so
Bullard, J
It is always nice to welcome a representative of the School Old Boys to play a reunion match at least once a season. This year was no exception, with Bullard Snr carrying on his fine tradition of representing the school continuously for the last 47 years. Well done!
All in all, an excellent year’s report. First class results, fine consistency, and very good team morale on the whole. Mostly. Sometimes. Well, boys will be boys! Or girls. Keep up the good work.
Yours sincerely,
Fielding, Captain K.
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