Confession of a Lucky Man

This photo contains my two favourite things...

I met one of them 26 years ago today.

Forgot to mention it this morning...

Do I:

A: Apply 'Fast Fret' and restring?

B: Have a shave and grovel?

Answers (or suggestions) below please...

Bulls v Bears

This encounter is usually a fun and feisty affair; fueled by a genuine competitive edge.
Sad to report that it was a rendered a limp dick; predictably impotent.
For the record:
The top 3 games were essentially exhibition matches; I'm sure that Adam, Dave (Powell) and Koko would have enjoyed a run out but (with respect to Ian and Jim) weren't remotely challenged by the best that The Bulls could muster:
Pig v Adam Pyne  0-3
Chicken v Dave Powell  0-3
Fox v Phil Alexander 0-3
Koala Kev and Oliver Reeves at least threatened some kind of encounter before Olly's achilles rendered him lackluster. 3-1
The Gnat, struggling with a bad back, was ill advised to play immediately after a session with Priya. She took the first game against Jo Smalley before becoming a passenger; eventually retiring. 1-3
4-17 to The Bears then...
Well done Bears!
Apologies that it wasn't more competitive.
Thanks to those who turned up.
Sorry it wasn't more of a show.
I think that The Bulls might be rotating the squad at Xmas to relieve and rebuild confidence.
Still, we had plenty of time for a pleasant little drink afterwards, dulled the pain nicely, nearly hitting £150 on the bar bill. A record of sorts I think...

Lino Laments (2)

In church I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer.
It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:

Dear Lord,
This has been a tough two or three years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite musician Michael Jackson.
My favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.
And now my favourite singer Whitney Houston.
I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are:
Ed Miliband, David Cameron, George Osbourne, Nick Clegg and Ed Balls.

Xmas Party/New Years Eve

Last Saturday's Xmas party was fun, if a little under attended.
The happy few that partook (16 folk) had a fine time.
It might be an idea to fix your gaze on New Years Eve; a grand event to celebrate with your friends and family.
£30 gets you entry, nibbles and a free bar; excellent value for what is often a pricey and unfocussed night of the year.
Tickets are NOW on sale.
Kids go Free!
Disco, table tennis and pool on the night.
Get the party fixed in your diaries.
Oh, and don't forget that the 31st is also the deadline for you annual subs...

Break In B*stards

Exactly a week after WKP got his car broken into, Dave Powell suffered the same fate tonight; 7.12pm.
Same space: It's the far corner, sideways up against the wall, although the CCTV shows a hoody f*cker (sorry but no other term applies) casing everyone's motor in the car park before fixing on poor Dave.
I suggest baseball bats and zero tolerance...
Kev has just emailed this:

Beaconsfield Squash Club Ltd
News & Events

Car Break In

All

I regret to advise, that another car has been broken into in the Club car park this evening. This follows one that occurred at the same time last week.

Could I remind you all to be extra vigilant and not leave anything on display that might attract unwanted attention.

The police have been informed and we will investigate ways of upgrading the car park security.

Kevin Mears

Xmas Team Night Out: 14th December

As already communicated to some of you...

To all Team players (Racketball + Squash) and anyone else up for a night out.

Join your fellow members for a night touring the local Beaconsfield hostelries at this festive time.

Start 7.30pm at the Club for some hors d'oeuvres of Bud/Stella/Rebellion.

Then from @ 8.30 onwards an educational trip around the various Ale Houses of this famous market town, sampling their wares.

Route and venues to be confirmed.

Possible curry at the end of the evening once thirsts fully quenched.

See you there
Dan

Lions v Booker

Wednesday this week saw the Lions take on Booker.
Such is the appeal of playing for the 1st team these days that 15 players
were tapped up before 5 players could be assembled.
The excuses were a mix of the obvious (injured, work commitments, company
xmas bash etc) to the downright unbelievable ('at my rowing club lunch' -
but Kevin you are only 5'2' and don't row / 'at the county council
presenting planning applications' - but Phil the town hall assembly only
meet 9-5pm!).

Despite these set backs a decent team of Paul, Nic, Dan, Chris G and Capt
Kangaroo were confident of a good result v a weakened Booker.

Paul and Nic went on early. Paul having a good hit with Adam Edge (Tom
Power was AWOL) who dug in and tried his best but was no real match for
Paul's quality and mobility. 3-0
(Did you know Paul has won both the North and West of England O40 Masters
events this season and is in line to represent England in the Home Nations
matches - a fantastic achievement).

Nic faced a chunky lad named Simon who has the crispest left hand drive and
volley I have seen for a long while smashing nicks from everywhere. NM
battled well and came back from 2-1 down matching his oppos winners with
some fine touches of his own. At 5-5 in 5th with Simon tiring Nic pulled
ahead to match point. But some more amazing nicks later the match went away
9-10, 2-3.

Chris was playing Jo Smalleys eye candy 'Gorgeous George' and was second
best initially, then staging a comeback in 3rd with a better length and
pace, only for 4th to go away far too quickly 1-3.

Dave F played Rob Wallace at 5 a new face to me who was keen , stylish but
beatable. Dave didn't really get into the match, struggling to keep each
game score close until too far behind. A gallant effort and some good
rallies but wrong result 0-3.

I went on at 3 v Mark Brown and had an enjoyable game. Despite playing
injured and hobbling about on one leg I was able to put him under enough
pressure to force the error or create the winner. 3-1.

So a disappointing defeat 9-14.
CK and Matt back next week so come along and watch last home match of the
year @ Weds 12 Dec v Aylesbury.

Lino Laments

The first in a series of 'Cautionary Tales' from our very own 'Italian Stallion':

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at B&Q. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of this while out shopping. Simply going out to a DIY store has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how it works:
Two gorgeous, uni-aged girls will come over to your car or van as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with everything almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts; it's impossible not to look!
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle.
On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also November 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 12th, and very likely again this coming weekend.
Please pass this on to your friends so to warn them to be careful as it’s a horrible way to take advantage of older men.
Oh, by the way, Costco has wallets on sale for £2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones at the Pound Shops and bought them out of all of their stock in three of their stores.
Please send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout.

Lino
P.S. I hear that the best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.

Next Saturday's Christmas Party is OTT

The theme for next Saturday's Christmas Party (Dec 8th) is 'OTT'.
Anything goes; just make it loud, proud and outrageous.
This year we're keeping things simple:
No food; just music, dancing, a tipple or two and much laughter.
And blow me: It's Free!
No tickets needed; just pitch up from 7 onwards.
Being a family club (and because The Chairman's too tight to pay a babysitter) all kids are welcome...
I've posted some shrapnel from previous years as inspiration. As you can see, it's impossible to make an arse of yourself.
See you there!

Average Wrist Band Part Deux

Bob Heard writes:

The Club hosted another enjoyable Music Night on Saturday 24 November featuring its very own group "The Average Wrist Band", who once again turned out to be anything but average.

Popular opinion amoung the 35/40 attendees was that the night proved to be great fun, with good food and (suprisingly) good music; the Chairman was also very pleased with the bar takings!

Kevin should note that some went out of their way to make him happy during the post-event impromptu sing-song session which went on for some time!

Songs ranged from "Hotel California", through "Summer of 69", to the popular "Honkey Tonk Woman" and the Band's signature tune, "Johnny B Goode". 

You Tube clips of the last two of these are attached below for you to "enjoy".

Band members were Bob Powell on drums, Paul Austin (Bass Guitar), Tim Westall (Lead Guitar), Mike Atkinson/Bob Heard/Barry McDonagh - Bob's brother-in-law (all on Acoustic/Rhythm Guitars), Jerry Gray (Vocals) and Dave Fielding (Keyboard) as a very welcome newcomer.

The Band are apparently unlikely to take up any of the flood of offers which might now be forthcoming... but could well be persuaded to perform at the Club again after a suitably lengthy period!"

Thanks once again to you all. 

Here's to the next time....

Bob

Bulls v Booker

The evening started well with me romping the first 9-1 before my legs decided to leg it to the bar whilst the rest of my sorry ass remained on court to endure the humiliation. All my oppo had to do frankly was hit the front wall which (with respect to Matt) he did very competently.
1-3

Meanwhile, The Camel was romping it on the next court, 2 love up and glory bound until he bounded into the wall damaging his right shoulder. Crocked, he had to retire much to his grateful oppo's relief.
2-3

The Pig got hammered by the much improved 'Gorgeous' George. Jo Smalley had arrived to "support and drink for free" but we all knew from the dribble in the corner of her Pinot stained lips that she only had eyes for George. Ian continues to 'man up' manfully; there is much sympathy for the weekly spankings he endures but it is obvious that he's not enjoying the season much; a demoralizing parade; shame as it could have been avoided with some thoughtful tardy squad selection etc/etc...
0-3

The Chicken had had a humdinger of a league game five setter with Dan the night before and we feared that his legs would be gone. He went to five again and was victorious; another notch to his high quality belter of a season.
3-2

Best for last? The Koala (so named because he's cuddly but still essentially a bear) is slumming it at 5, albeit making a long journey back from injury, surgery and general obesity. 
He gave Duncan Disorderly a 2 game lead before reeling him in in a madcap encounter that the Keystone Cops would have been proud of.
3-2

Later, over Lasagna and, erm, bread, our charming barmaid dictated what we were and were not allowed to put on our tab and lovely guest Jo knocked back her 4th gratis large glass whilst regaling us with tales of The Mighty Mighty Bears demolition of Booker last week. 
Entre nous; has anybody ever suggested making it a 'Boys Only' club?

Below are the Pig's brief notes:

If only the Camel hadn't run ran into a wall (literally), we'd have won the match overall. 
In the end we picked up 9pts, which is a good result again Booker.

- Kev battled to a great win, probably being unable to walk today.

- Jim continued a great seasons performance with another win.

- Trev came back from injury and picked up the first game.

- Nigel would have easily won were it not for the aforementioned wall.

- I continued my "taking one for the team" role, although seven times is quite frankly irritating - sorry team.

Next week, Buckingham away (yes I know):

showing varying degrees of commitment for next week's jaunt:
1. pig
2. chicken
3. fox
4. koala
5. gnat (who will need a lift)

is anyone else available if needed/paid?

Nigel, can you keep us informed of your recovery?

Super 2nds v Holmer Green

The 2nds visited the largest sauna in England otherwise known as Holmer Green Squash Club. Toby and Antti almost expired but mercilessly the heaters were turned off early.

Antti v Mark Mellett – I arrived when the match was already over (I wasn’t playing) and saw a very subdued Mark doing press ups in the viewing gallery. He looked dry and Antti all sweaty. I went up to Antti to discover he had won 9-2, 9-3 & 9-4! Very few people do that to Mark who is a very decent club player who grinds out the results, normally! 3-0  well played Antti.

Seb v Nick Saegar – Seb is unbeaten for the 2nds and this was likely to be his sternest test so far. Seb was 2-1 up with a match ball for 3-1 but that would have been too easy and into a fifth we went. It was 7-7 and Seb took the next 2 points to record an excellent win, 3-2. Well played Seb. We were 2-0 up against a very good Holmer Green side.

Neil v Darren Thompson – never before has a team captain so wished time would march, no gallop to 2^nd January. Neil’s yearly pilgrimage to the “Body for Life” starts again. No beer, booze of any kind, a strict diet and endless hours toiling in the gym. He’s looking for a buddy to buddy up with? Toby cannot oblige anymore so are there any volunteer chubsters. Could do you the world of good Dan. Neil huffed and puffed and the first 2 games raced by with Neil going for early winners or playing boasts that sat up nicely for Darren. Neil finally made a match of in it the third and at 7-7, I thought some team points were coming. Both at the front of the court Neil drove the ball towards Darren’s face – he closed his eyes, used his racquet to shield himself and somehow the ball rolled into the nick of the opposite front corner. That was it and Neil lost 0-3.

Toby v Ross – Momentous! Andy Longman would surely have shed a tear or three as his Sunday afternoon protégée toppled Ross 3-1. Ross took the first and Toby came back brilliantly to go 1-1. Toby then took the 3^rd 9-6. Long and tough rallies and Ross kept taking Toby to the front and Toby answered all those questions with interest. Ross was visibly tiring and Toby raced away in the fourth to win it easily, 9-2. A great win, well played Toby.

Chris v Dan Proctor – the match was won but our Chris went on last not sure of how is body would hold up. No need to worry, the sauna/squash court is exactly what Chris needs and he was soon into his stride. A comfortable win, 9-4, 9-1 & 9-3.

So a surprisingly comfortable 4-1 and 16-6 result that helps to keep the top of the table interesting.

Gazza   

Bulls v Chesham Bois

The Camel writes:

A case of so near but so far for the Bulls at Chesham last Tuesday - all of us in with a good chance, but the Juniors with home advantage taking the spoils.

 

Python v Pete  3-1

Match of the night for the Bulls and our only win. A first rate encounter saw Pete taking the 1st 9-7, then Ches turning it on every way to take a defining 2nd game 10-9. Pete was down but not out, but Ches kept cool to seal it 9-1 & 9-4.

 

 A case of so near but so far for the Bulls at Chesham last Tuesday - all of us in with a good chance, but the Juniors with home advantage taking the spoils.

 

Python v Pete  3-1

Match of the night for the Bulls and our only win. A first rate encounter saw Pete taking the 1st 9-7, then Ches turning it on every way to take a defining 2nd game 10-9. Pete was down but not out, but Ches kept cool to seal it 9-1 & 9-4.

 

Squirrel v Tim 2-3

Looking fit and sharp, St John took the 1st, dropped the 2nd, then brought in an array of volley kills, trademark cross court fick drops to cruise the 3rd 9-3. Everything seemed rosy at this stage, but a tweak to his back in the 4th severely impaired his movement and the match swang back to Tim.

 

Camel v Simon 1-3

All credit to Simon who was not put off by my rasping and gasping for air as the match progressed. At 1 game each, Simon took a tough 3rd 9-7 and I then mentally departed somewhere else to go down and out in the 4th.

 

Chicken v Tom the Elder 2-3

These 2 just picked up where they left off last time. Another cracking encounter in what has become a series of late, this time Jim just missing out in 5 after an hour or so on court, 8-10, 9-7, 9-1, 8-10, 7-9.

 

Pig v Tom the Younger 0-3

At 17 years old Tom the Younger has the stamina to go with his age, and the guile of a Masters player - arriving at 8.30 after a gruelling day, Ian had a lot to contend with...the match went Tom's way, but the games were oh so close 6-9, 8-10, 7-9.

 

After taking solace in Mary's shepherd's pie, walnut cake and lemon meringue, the chill wind that greeted us as we left reminded us that we've got Booker 2 on Tuesday......

Beaconsfield's 'Parents of the Year' Award

Competition was particularly stiff this year...

And the winners are...

Lions v Chesham Bois

Dan Fernandez writes:

On Weds l turned up for the Lions match v Chesham Bois and it appeared that the band members of YMCA had taken over.

Nic together with debutant Jim Cooper both looked queer as coots with their handlebar moustaches, closely cropped hair and tight shorts/strange walk combo. Paul looked like a fairy with frills decorating the end of his shorts. I'm a doppelganger for Jimmy Somerville and Mark is ginger so obviously gay.

Frivolities over we set about CB.
Mark played the human dynamo Tim King and was involved in a cracking match. Tim has improved and rarely loses but MT was on fire playing the ball early and hitting some great kills. Winning 1st then went 6-1 up in next only for Tim to claw his way back with great retrieving and long quality rallies. Unfortunately this was the pattern of the next 3 games as Mark made a strong start to each game only to be pipped to the post. 1-3.

Jim looking felching in black was up v Peter East. JC started well winning 1st but then game became a bit of a slog fest. Rather than looking at Nic thinking of the post match fun in the showers he should have listened to his words of wisdom to vary the pace. 1-3.

Paul took on upcoming county youngsterJonny Maloney who is trying to get a UK squash ranking and training 4 hrs a day. It didn't do him any good as he was well beaten by PB who put him under too much pressure forcing his opponent into many errors. 3-0.

Nic played Dan Colquhorn at 3. A tough-ask and a match we were not expecting much out of. Nic had other ideas really playing well and playing some great shots. Winning 1st could a surprise be on the cards? At 1-1 and 7-1 up we thought so. Unfortunately Dan dug in, ran well and avoided the unforced errors of earlier and won a hard 3-1.

At 5 l was up v Sam Pothwecary who resembles Mr Tickle and about half my age. Having joined the Beaconsfield Velos for a trip thru the Chilterns on Sunday l was feeling fit and got into my stride quickly going 2-0 up. Pushing on in 3rd l managed to get to 8-1. Then Sam staged a strong come back and the game went 9-10, as did 4th. Big effort in 5th and won 3-2.

So a 2-3 defeat (9-15) but some good individual performances to take forward into December.