Do you Recognize this Masked 'Man'?

Do you recognize this man?

He was glimpsed recently at the club causing all kinds of havoc.

According to Stan Kozliaskiiolski (reliable witness and "founding member") he was initially reported in disguise on Court 5, masquerading as a squash (stroke) racketball player. This suspicious behavior continued in the changing room where, under the showers, he apparently mistook an ex-chairman for a Junior, offering him a bag of sweets in return for the soaping his 'lower back'. Howard Machin is currently unavailable for comment ("in the fecking dentist's chair") but he now holds the Bucks record for holding the most 'Haribo Bananas' in his mouth at the same time (39). There is a vague recollection from Neil Harrison that this mystery member exited the showers "hirsute, obviously aroused and in not particularly good shape". Neil also mentioned something about "a small acorn" but that full comment is currently deemed unprintable. Once out of the shower our mystery man apparently shoe horned himself into a pair of Doc Martins (cherry red with little stars on the toes), a pair of faux leather flares (PVC we suspect) and an ill fitting 'Doobie Brothers' t-shirt with the price tag still on (£3.99), an outfit, which Stan reports gave the impression of "a condom stuffed full of walnuts". Our Mysterio then proceeded to the bar where he ordered a half of lime and soda and a packet of Twiglets (unshared), before goosing our barmaid Lisa Jones and departing the club with the words "Tallyho Tosspots!" Lisa reports that the interloper had an impressive helmet that was very shiny but looked "virtually unused". Our masked man then took about 10 minutes attempting to sling a leg over an overpriced (but very shiny) 'Hog' in the car park. Once astride he spent an eternity trying to kickstart afore mentioned 'Hog', before unwittingly demonstrating that Harley Davidsons do indeed have a reverse gear. Ken Groundcourt insists that the dents in his bumper were caused by this maneuver and not the various 25 social members' 4x4s as previously reported.

If you do know the identity of this malevolent please inform club manager Andy Longman asap as Ken wants his insurance details, Lisa wants his phone number, Howard demands the return of his shower gel (and 'Midnight Rider's' phone number) and Shergar wants his teeth back...