The World is Flat: Part 1: Salty Dogs or Mongrels?

 Bullshit Ahoy! 
Chris Hosey, WKP and St. John are in the process of 'life altering' changes; essentially a male version of the menopause methinks. Instead of getting a piercing, a tattoo and a surf board they're thinking of buying a boat together. Anyone who has spent a night with Willy will know that idea is destined for disaster. However, the unlikely trio have resolved to test the waters with a series of jaunts around domestic destinations. Next stop is a sail off the West Coast of Scotland. Barely seaworthy, they are already jockeying for position as skipper. Their approaches vary:



Willy 'Ox-eye' Kirk Pugwash: Always smelling of fish, a mouthy, self righteous gobsh*te with a Prospero complex (and that's his self analysis folks), it's Willy's way or the highway. 
Although weighed down by plenty of dunnage WKP has 1000s of nautical miles experience over the other two. 
Willy bend or break?
Outlook: Foundering off snore instability, gloomy with sure signs of a Tempest...

Chris 'Hardtack' Hosey: Seemingly a genial giant whose main weapon of choice is humour but whose verbiage is as dry and tasteless as the biscuit that he's named after. Willy chuckle his way into our hearts with an incessant gulf stream of gybes and caustic wit, or willy be rendered shark food?
Outlook: Unsettled, windy but incredibly bright.

St John 'Baggywrinkle' Dyson: a land lubbing bundle of wires; considers himself the group's moral compass and that he is there to mediate between these two huge egos; to prevent chafing and such. This self regard is flawed as Sturge is essentially Hosey's bitch; able bodied but witless; as demonstrated by Louise, his lovely wife, pulling hankies from his empty noggin...
Outlook: Light airs, calm, yet dull and dim with little hope of improvement




Trevor 'Jonah' Jones: Press ganged in as a cook and a dogsbody; "you're nowt but a barrelman, a gash fanny; you are the cabin boy, good for nothing but kissing the gunner's daughter..." they said. 
I looked up the definitions: 
Kissing the gunner's daughter: bent over the barrel of a gun for punitive beating....
Gash Fanny: Refuse container or dustbin...
Cabin boy: Attendant on passengers and crew. often a young man sometimes used for sexual activity... 
Still unsure of the way I (vase)lean; I'm staying well away from the cock-pit... 
Outlook: Baffled airs; inevitably bound for Jones's Locker...
Once we've weighed anchor and are squared away I'll keep you abreast of the Scuttlebutt here...