2nds v Bulls

Gazza writes:

Well, the dust has finally settled a week after an intriguing night which saw Neil run off court at 2-1 down and announce that he was in real danger of losing his jewels! More later …
Trevor (seen right, a shadow of a former shadow) had an announcement too as he arrived at 7.35, “Gazza, can we play first as I get worse the later it gets?”. Like a jaded teacher Trevor failed to ask any proper questions and had about as much fight in him as Audley Harrison.

Neil v Jim – Neil who needed to be home by 7.30pm tried desperately to play at 6.30 but all courts were booked. Hid identical twin was obviously elsewhere so Neil quickly lost the first 2-9 but he forgot time in the second and breezed past Jim 9-3. He looked at his watch again, felt his manhood literally slipping away and lost the 3rd 7-9. I was marking and turned for a quick swig and Neil appeared on the balcony with apologies and an exit that Linford Christie would have been proud of. So it became 3-1 to Jim who had the look of someone who had just had an unsatisfactory “session”.

Natalie v Nigel – Natalie, dropped for the 2nd time by the Bulls (only joking) was predicted by Trev to lose was re-invigorated by just one of Andy Longman’s Sunday afternoon torture sessions. Nigel took the first 2 games before Nat got into the game and started to hear the Camel rattle. She took the 3rd 9-6 and the 4th 10-8 to set up a tense decider. Nigel playing perfect lobs and beautifully weighted shots that died in the back corners had enough to close out 9-6. Great match, 3-2 to Nigel; Nat is back, getting fitter.

Gazza v Trev – well we have history but that competitive edge has all but disappeared as it was more like playing with my dad who is 70 odd and heavily strapped up. The first 2 games whizzed by but I tweaked my hamstring in the 3rd and stopped moving. Fortunately Trev didn’t notice, many said I played dirty as I should of told him when it happened. Let’s hope the Trev we know and love finds his squash mojo again. 3-0 Gazza.

Toby v Pig – a hit fest which I marked, ball whizzing invariably to a length with the occasional boast thrown in and every now and again a drop shot just to keep my interest going. Toby, too fit and motivated out gunned a strangely tired Ian to win 3-0.

Seb v Ches – I heard someone saying later in the bar that this match was like the changing of the guard in the club. Seb 16 and Ches 63/64. Ches is incredibly fit for his age (he’ll smack me for that!), Seb steamed through the first 2 games for 5 points before Ches got a grip in the match and took the third. This was the match, the one that would decide a tie poised at 2-2. Seb showed no mercy, upped the pace and won 9-1. 3-1 to Seb.

A great match, 3-2 to the 2nds and 16-7. The bill for the night was about £88, a world record for when Trev is there. I did save £12 however with Neil not staying for 3 beers. And Lisa always makes it a memorable night for all with her utter disdain for us all!

Tonight: Super Bears v Sorry 2nds

There will be a intriguing encounter at the club tonight when Dave Fielding's eccentrically stacked 'Super Bears' take on Gazza's depleted troop; the (once 'Super') 2nds.
Bizarrely, there will be only 2 real 2nders on show, as a squad they're either injured, washing their hair, watching Emmerdale or partaking in Italian night classes.
All sick notes have yet to be verified, but our lovable Estate Agent (and you thought an oxymoron was a stupid Bull) has had to doff his cap to The 'Average' Bulls and come a begging for guest appearances.
Once The Pig had checked the small print regarding 'entrapment' and 'team tying' he graciously agreed to release some of his limited talents for the evening's betterment.. This season's squad selections have rendered The Bulls an average breed; a makeshift, homogenous mass of adequacy, but I'm informed that apparently they have 'strength in depth' which is a compliment akin to telling your mate that his wife has a "nice personality"; faint praise indeed for this menagerie; collectively a strange beast that has no head or tail, just a fleshy midriff, thankfully blessed with a big collective heart...
The match ups are in and they're below, with my predictions.
As you can see I have the 2nds down to pip it 3-2 but Reeves and Davies are about as consistent as a rotary engine, so things could easily flip-flop.
If you want a flutter you could contact me here...

Super Bears v Sorry 2nds   (7.30pm Start)

Adam 'Lonesome' Pyne v Chris 'The Grinder' Guildesleve  
Sprightly Adam too talented and mobile for Guilderleve's admirable but lamentable proddings. (3-0)

Dave 'The Turtle' Powell v Neil 'Mr Bojangles' Davies
A class act; the resurgent Powell should keep the belligerent beast at bay. (3-1)

Oliver 'Gertcha' Reeves v Gazza 'Gazza' Ashington 
If Ollie's in the mood this could kick off; a potential decider; it should be a cracker... Ollie's dextrous deftness to fade as he tires; Gazza's endevour and beige fortitude helps to nick it in the 5th. (2-3)

Dave 'Capt Kangaroo' Fielding v Ian 'The Pig' Piggin 
Although Dave is much improved he is over-coached and thus likes an orthodox game; The Pig's unorthodoxy will be his undoing; effectively frustrating and tying up the long limbed lubber. (1-3)

'Fluffy' Phil Collings v Jim 'The Chicken' Cooper 
Phil a bit of an unknown quantity to me but Jimbo is currently at his dynamic best. He also has the heart of a Bull... (0-3)

Super 2nds Reports. 3 for 1

Super 2nds v Chesham 1879

We were caught cold and given an early lesson in reverse phycology from captain Roger Hill. Stung by my rejecting his request to change the fixture as in his words “the season has come upon us and we're not ready” he paid the price of a first class ticket to bus in Sam Watts to play at 1 pushing Charlie Yerrell to 2. My groan was a loud one. He played a hapless Toby who won just 4 points and can now be seen serving out his punishment each Sunday afternoon as Andy Longman takes us to a few heart beats short of cardiac arrest.

Antti played Charlie and the flying Finn had a long and tight first game, lost it and the 2^nd but came back strongly in the 3^rd to take it. 2-1 Charlie and his was visibly tiring such was the tenacity of Antti. In the 4^th Antti had a mini meltdown having fully played a shot and afterwards asking for a let, saying he was impeded. No let was given and Antti’s fight went with the decision going down 3-1. Antti has the potential to take Charlie to 5. Next time!

Neil was up against the young Joe Yerrell and a more corpulent and rusty Neil struggled with the pace. All those late night beers at Seer Green’s excellent Jolly Cricketers finally told and Neil is promising to shed several stone in January. What’s more he is willing to do it with someone else, a mutual self-flagellation. Could our very own Chairman be about to lose half his body weight? 3-0 Joe.

I played the smoking and drinking man that is Steve French. Fatherhood and sheer exhaustion have taken away these vices and he just wanted his bed and dummy. I won 3-1.

                                                                                                                                                               

Then came Phil A, the prodigal son returning before disappearing again to become a Bear. He was a man barely alive, rebuilt, stronger, faster (sadly untrue) but he was too much for his corpulent oppo and ran out with a 3-0 win. Beac 2 lost 3-2 and 14-7 and I felt proper turned over as Sam is unlikely to play again this season and Charlie is starting a degree course which will mean he won’t play much for the rest of the season.

Gazza  

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Super 2nds v Booker

Beac 2 hit the road to take on the unbeaten WSRC 2, Booker to you and me. 

Antti went on first against another leftie and he lost 3-0 for 11 points in the time I had played 2 games on the other court! Clearly not happy with his game he lost 3-0 at the weekend to Dan in a league match and then had his game analysed and tweaked by no less than our new coach Toby. Antti tells me he is back and we will see against Buckingham tomorrow.

I played a 6’2 16 year old called Ed Walker who had just lost in the final of the county under 16 tournament in Thame. Oh shit! Fortunately he had a young temperament to match and I nicked the first 2 games before losing the 3^rd 9-1. He was confident now. The Andy Longman training kicked in and I managed to win the game 10-8 and win the match 3-1.

Neil went on against Dave Dunbar who I hadn’t seen before. A tight 1^st game which could go either way and in the time I moved away to look at something more interesting Neil had won it. Then his oppo decided that he had an unhealthy relationship with his squash grip and only took another point in the next 2 games. 3-0 to Neil.

Toby v George Goodchild – 2 bankers apparently, who am I to argue!? A yo-yo match, 1-1 and then 2-2 with Toby losing the 4^th 1-9. He then went on to win the 5^th 9-1 and the match 3-2.

Chris v Mark Brown – the knock up was a closely fought affair and I thought Chris edged it. I was ready to pack up then but Brownie had other ideas, namely tonking Chris 3-0 for 9 points.

We beat them 3-2 and 13-9, a great win against a strong side.

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Super 2nds v CB Juniors – 25^th September

Dirty’s arse was dragged in, albeit a late one! I made him mark though so all the usually tricks didn’t happen. 

Antti went on first v Andy Piper whose ankle has be rebuilt following an horrendous injury playing our very own Chris a season or 2 ago. Andy, precision shot maker took the first game but could contain Antti no further who took the next 2 games for 1 point before closing out 9-6 to win 3-1.

Next up was me v the tall Tim Leslie-Smith, a jovial chap who worked hard but he was on the back foot and lost quite quickly. 3-0 to me.

Neil  then played Dave Jordan, a runner and Neil still looking rusty lost the first game, took then next 2 before a tight 4^th game ended 9-7 to Neil. Neil won 3-1

Chris v Mile Thorpe – I didn’t see this match but Chris was complaining of jet leg and not having a good night’s sleep for days. Chris lost 3-0 and looked marginally greyer after than when he first arrived.

Dirty v Tom Paine – a niggly match, quell surprise! I had the pleasure of marking part of it and Dirty’s form is slowly returning whilst his contrary behaviour to oppo and marker is undiminished.

4-1 Beac 2 and 16-6, first win

Super 2nds v Holmer Green 3rds

NO SMALLEY MATCH BILL!

Records were set last night as Jo was drafted into the team following Kev’s late withdrawal in favour of business “Up North”. She quickly rekindled her time with Neil at last year’s team dinner, managed to drink 5 (large?) glasses of white wine with Neil doing his very best to keep up!
So Kev, bar takings will be up this week with the corresponding dent in my own personal fortune!
Final bill ran out at £114.45, the highest all season and even more impressive as Trevor wasn’t there.

Jo v Mike Hartley
I was playing at the same time. Jo took the first game, lost the second and powered through the 3rd and 4th losing just 7 points. Look out Chesham 1879 for next week’s final Bears match. 3-1 to Jo

Gazza v Nick Seager
A bizarre match in terms of the game scores. 9-0, 1-9, 9-2, 1-9 in a see- saw match, we went into the 5th and I managed to win 9-1! 3-2 to Gazza

Bob v Paul Haley
Paul used to be a member at Beaconsfield and apparently left for the bright lights of team squash at HG. Well he will be sampling Div 3 next year after tussling with our very own Bob whose running commentary and high lob serves made Paul’s return to the club an unpleasant one! Bob took the first 2 games, had a bit of a blow out in the 3rd before crossing to line to win 3-1.

Neil v Lol Ransley
Neil had won this even before the match started. Lol was desperate to get on first and even had his captain text me to get Neil to turn up on time.
They don’t know Neil! He pitched up at 8.00 and Lol was beaten 3-0 and got a solitary “my wife will kill me for being late point”.

Chris v Dan Proctor
Chris, having been nominated as 'team player of the season' for the 2nds ended on a high and again got superb value for his £11 match fee. Another 3-2, last match of the night and whilst the curry waited to be ate. Chris upped his game for the 5th which he took 9-6 to win 3-2.

So 5-0 and 19-6.

Final thoughts: I had a great chat with Bob about Trevor’s marking in last week's match and finished the night dropping Jo back within staggering distance of her flat and Neil back safely to Seer Green.
We will have come 2nd or 3rd in the league and I would like to thank everyone who played for the seconds this season.
An email confirming attendees and more details of the team dinner on Friday 20th April will follow shortly.

Gazza

Match Report: Bulls v Super 2nds

The Bulls rounded off their season with a cracking encounter agin the 'Super 2nds'. Some tired bodies dragged themselves to the club yesterday evening; Gazza had just completed a half marathon (albeit so slowly that he was timed with a calendar), Kevin had been injured in an off piste drinking 'incident',  I hadn't played for 3 weeks, laid low by a 'PCL', a back condition contracted from playing too much twisty turny 'old man's squash'. The Pig was still struggling with a rare strain of swine fever; the main symptom being a strange and listless affability. Coops had recently overindulged in some off piste (again) amorous alpine acrobatics which had rendered him impotent with the much feared malaise of 'dry nut'. Chrisy G was limp too, a sore foot which meant that he could "only move backwards, not forwards". Natalie was feeling a little lack-lustre after so many 5 setters; there's only so many times that even 'JC' can come back from the dead. Only the Camel was in the pink; and when the Camel is the sprightliest man in the team you know that you're up against it... and while Captain Kangaroo seems impervious to pain or improvement, only Neil walked through the front door with anything like a spring in his step. Indeed his cocky gait soon manifested itself as arrogance as he squared up to St. Pig and declared "I'm gonna do 'im". 


Me v Gazza
First up, but there was a reluctance to take to the court before the arrival of Jim. We were both lame and Coops had promised 'horse pills'. Once medicated we extended the warm up to allow the chemicals to kick in. There was tension in the air; this was our first meeting since the infamous 'Battle of the Bob'. Surely there would be no repeat of that unseemly affair with the mindful mediation of Coops.
I was two nil down before I knew it; Gazza had to do nowt but hit the front wall. Galvanised by the whisperings of the Camel (and a sharp word or two from Coops) I started to play something like... moving Gareth front and back; his legs went.
Horse pills?
If he were a horse he'd have been put out of his misery; which is essentially what happened.
3-2 Bulls


Natalie v Dave Fielding
Fielding Fielding at 5 is a no brainer; you know exactly what you'll be getting. What he lacks in talent he more than makes up for in... reach. He is very... long; gets to everything and does, to his credit, keep going. Quality will out and Nat's usual game of loopy lobs and well selected drops soon saw her 2 up. There was a bizarre moment when Captain Kangaroo hit the deck. 'My ankle, my ankle' he squealed. St. Pig was marking but threw down his clipboard and legged it downstairs to... apply ice to his his teammates opponent. Surely a fine Camel? This saintly behaviour is becoming borderline eccentric and needs to stop NOW. So, after a kiss and a cuddle with St. Pig, Dave dug in and battled well to take the match to 5 but JC's class eventually told.

3-2 Bulls


Ian v Neil Davies
This was always going to be an artless affair; the guileless pair would admit to being 'good, honest runners'. The rallies where long and lusty; both players revelling in them, but Neil moves well for a large unit; seems to get to everything, and has a certain front court craft that eventually undid the Pig who was ever so grateful to nick a game.
1-3 Super 2nds


Jim v Kev
Rumour had it that Kev was crocked. We knew better; he's a proudly competitive little urchin is Napoleon. Jim was his usual mixture of dynamic dexterity; Kev all signature drops. It was tit for tat; when, at two all and early in the final game, there was a defining moment: after taking the 4th Jim was in the ascendency when Mears hit Coops hard in the gob with the ball. An obvious accident - the ball flew off the Mears' racket as a string broke - our man returned to court with a Leslie Ash trout pout but you could sense that Jim's legs had gone. It was still a tense finale. Coops served at 8 all, his tight drop shot saw Kevin take a far from natural line to the ball, using all of his court smarts to maneuver an appeal for a stroke. The ball was tight to the wall and Mears' eccentric line of approach would have seen even WKP admiring his fishing technique but. such was his pitiful puppy dog appeal and Nat's benevolence (a feature of Bulls' marking this season) that a stroke was gifted.
Jim was crushed; Kevin blushed (or should have) and made the most of his fortune to steal the victory...
2-3 Super 2nds


Camel v Chris Gildersleve
So, as with the previous match between these two teams, it all rested on the final encounter. Nigel took the first two games with ease; his cunning flicks and lofty lobs testing Chris's injury. However, as things progressed it seemed that Chris warmed to the task as the Camel wilted. "All at sea" is always a telling remark; the Camel's defining death knell. We knew the game was up when Nigel muttered those words and assumed his 'Surrender of the Camel' pose, bending from the hip and pointing his ring in sublimation at his vanquisher.
2-3 Super 2nds


So, pipped at the post again, no shame in it though, all games (bar The Pig's) had gone to 5, honour intact. A fine curry and celebratory beer ensued; the evening's poignant conclusion came with the revelation that Nigel would be stepping down as Bulls skipper. Ian will be stepping into The Camel's hooves; he'll surely need to thicken his skin; let's hope that he can temper his pitiful piety with a bit of the Great Dictator's devilish duplicity...

What Was All That About? A Season Reasoned: Super 2nds: Kevin Mears

Our beloved Chairman is back from a week on the piste.

This pic shows him in the pink being force fed beer (look closely) by the invisible man... It was taken with a modern, digital camera; the one below, an action shot taken by Kev's other camera which is coal fuelled...

Highest high?

Watching Natalie and James battle to the bitter end

Lowest low? 

Reading team stats and realising that fitness had deserted me

Funniest moment? 

Asking Bob to mark, when I ‘had’ to play

Most controversial moment? 

1st team abstaining from their hospitality duties, shutting the tab early and leaving guests thirsty (twice)

Team player of the year? 

Should we have a trophy for that?

Team donkey (and why)? 

Davies coz eeyore eeyore eeyore to sort out his diary

Quote of the year? (overheard on or off court..) 

“yes, I used to be in the National Squad for that, but had to give up to focus on squash” James Wyatt when asked if he had ever played tennis

Describe your captain in 3 words... focused, frustrated, (often) foooked

Bulls v Super 2nds: Excuses: The Match Ups Are In...

Gazza has shown his hand and is already making excuses...
Here are his revelations (including excuses and my predictions):

Camel v Chris Gildersleve: "Chris is too injured too play but... will play. A sure thing for the Camel..."
Prediction: 2-3 Chris


Ian v Neil Davis: No excuse was forthcoming.
This won't be for the purist; sure to be an artless thrash; all the more exciting for it... and hard to predict but (with me marking)...
Prediction: 3-2 The Pig


Coops v Napoleon: "Kevin's been on the piste all week and injured a rib in a drinking accident"
Kev's ribs have plenty of protection so have trouble with sympathy there...
Prediction: 3-1 Coops


Me v Gazza: "I've just run a half marathon Trev; your game surely..."
"I haven't played for three weeks Gazza, back spasming now; your game surely..."
Prediction: 3-2 (no idea to whom...)

Natalie 'JC' Machin v Dave Fielding: No excuses...
Natalie in top form, Dave (with respect) a donkey...
Prediction: 3-2 Natalie

What Was All That About? A Season Reasoned: Super 2nds: Gareth Ashington

Super 2nds eccentric skipper walks us through the highs and lows of his season. I can understand his elation at his victory over me; he was obviously second best on the evening but still managed a 'victory'. The marker of that match is unavailable for comment, he's currently counting votes in Moscow...

Highest high? - Beating Trevor after being 6-6in the 5^th and having witnessed a torrent of argument between Trevor and Bob

Lowest low? - Taking part in that energy sapping match

Funniest moment? - Mick O’Sullivan on our gallery leaning across and saying “isn’t Bob a ginger?”

Most controversial moment? - Match with Trevor

Team player of the year? - Chris Gildersleve – played all but 3 and a good win ratio at one

Team donkey (and why)? - No team donkey- Kev looked likely until team stats shook him up

Quote of the year? (overheard on or off court..) - As above

Describe your captain in 3 words... Twatish Estate Agent (sorry Gazza, if a question is unanswered I always fill in the blanks - Trev)

What Was All That About? A Season Reasoned: The Super 2nds: Bob Heard

Spleen But Not Heard

Just in: Bob's notes from abroad where he is currently convalescing; recovering from eye laser surgery.
He could only afford to get the one eye done but is confident that it will not effect his marking...

Here is my (somewhat predictable) entry from the Algarve. 

I'll leave it to you to append an appropriate photo:

Highest high - Marking Trevor

Lowest low - Marking Trevor

Funniest moment - Marking Trevor

Most controversial moment - Marking Trevor

Team player of the year - Trevor "Playing-Up" Jones

Team donkey (and why) - Trevor "ee saw" it was up guv!

Quote of the year - "Ours is a 'special relationship'". (Trevor Jones)

Describe your Captain - (Gareth) in 3 words - Great.....beat Trevor!

Postscript - We're good mates.....really!

Bob

What does a 'Super 2nd' look like?

Tomorrow evening is the climax of the Bulls' season when they host the Super 2nds.

Christ knows who'll be turning up for the 2nds... if Gazza's maverick selection policy continues we could expect anyone from Jahingar Khan to Lord Lucan. 

Will he up the Antti?

Will he push his Courtney Luck?

Will he farm out Heard?

Will he bandy Alexander?

He can guild a lily but can he Gildersleve well alone?

Knowing Gazza he'll probably get Tevez on loan for the week... 

At least then he wouldn't be the ugliest man in the room...

Like Gazza's lookalike, Quasi Modo; let's at least hope that their faces ring a bell...

The Bulls settled squad are a happy herd, recognisable as a breed:

Nigel 'The Camel' McNeil

Ian 'The Pig' St. Piggin

Jim 'Coops' Cooper

MeMeMe

Natalie 'Jesus' Machin

Both teams are comfortably placed mid-table so the only agenda is one predicated by pride.

We all recognise that you can't milk a Bull.

You'll sense that when you see us...

But what does a 'Super 2nd' look like?

All will be revealed at 7.40pm tomorrow evening.

Come see...

Match Reports: Super 2nds v CB Wrinklies

We hosted Chesham Bois Seniors last night (seen right, waiting for their team bus) who were all keen not to be too late back to their nursing home, so turned up on time unlike our very own Dirty, Neil!

First up was Phillip CL v Neal Gibbons – Neal is like a the junior in this team being still in his forties. Phillip huffed and puffed but complained that the ball/court was too hot and his cross court flicks and drops rarely worked. A close first game was followed by 9-1 and 9-2 and Phillip lost 3-0.

Antti v Mick O’Sullivan – Antti goes from strength to strength and Mick soon realised that Antti was too strong and quick against his aging body and a smaller bag of tricks than years gone by. Mick was beaten for 9 points. 3-0 Antti.

Gazza v Chris Jordan – Unfortunately for Chris his hip and groin gave him more trouble than dinner at Downing Street and Chris amassed 4 points to godown 3-0. I then played Antti in a best of three.

Neil v Rob Ballingall – I was playing at the same time but Neil having turned up an hour late and therefore skilfully missed marking either of the first 2 matches rushed onto the first empty court leaving Chris and I opened mouthed at the sheer audacity of it all! Neil fresh from reading Dirty’s autobiography “I do it my way” is surely a shoe in for the next Club Captain! Neil allowed Rob 8 points and won 3-0

Chris v Peter Smith – I didn’t see much of this but our Chris is having his Gazza and Dirty share of injuries of late. Pete, wearing those long ankle length shorts and a white jumper tucked into them managed to snuff out a muted Chris whose foot injury was giving him jip.Chris lost 3-0.

So a 3-2 win and 13-6 in points and next week we take to the road against The Bulls. 

Gazza can’t wait for Trevor, sans Bob mais je vais gagner, on verra!

Gazza

Super 2nds v RAF

Chairman Mears marches on!

There’s no stopping our Chairman now. Off we went to Halton with Chris, Neil, Kev, Gazza and Antti. We were met by Len Brettell in the security office and got our first bit of good news in that Paul Warner was injured J Poor Len had to wait at the office miles away from the courts until each of our players arrived and Neil graced us his arrival around 8.30pm and couldn’t wait to reveal his Army tee-shirt! He was strangely pumped out. I think he’s looking forward to the end of season bash a little too much! (As discussed in the showers!)

Antti v Tony Jackson
At 8-8 in the first game Antti went on to take it, took the second only to go 1-5 down in the third. I turned away I thought for a few seconds and in that time Antii had won 3-0. He has won both his matches 3-0 and will surely be in league 1 soon and pushing up the team order next season.

Chris v Dik Tudor
Dik looked as if from Tudor times but played immaculate thoughtful squash and in the first match Chris didn’t move him around and went 1-8 down losing 3-9. I had a chat with him and the pace and width improved and Chris took the second. Dik looked exhausted and Chris dominated to take the 3rd game. The 4th was tighter but Chris closed out. 3-1 win.

Gazza v Len Brettell
Now Len is as fit as a RAF’s PT instructor’s dog and after getting to 2-0 Len came back taking the 3rd and into the 4th my lack of match fitness did tell. At 8-8 the chance of winning a 5th was very slim but I crossed the line. 3-1 win

Neil v Lee Cobley
Lee’s a top man and we looked at old photos in the viewing gallery upstairs of him and Sean Flynn as teenagers! Scary. He walloped (according to him) Trevor last week who wasn’t happy! I was playing at the same time but I believe that Neil was 2-0 and 2-1 down before taking the 4thand then the 5th as Lee inevitably tired. You just have to dig in Trevor and fight it out! 3-2 win

Chairman v Nigel Peters
What can I say as the ever chastened Kev looks to finish the season on a high and win a high win ratio. New stats to come soon Kev! He easily won 3-0 and then went onto play our Chris on another court!

So a 5-0 win and 19-4 against the RAF

GAZZA

Match Report: Super 2nds v Chesham Bois Juniors

Flying Finns!

We welcomed Antti into the fold and after his performance with big enveloping arms! After our confidence was improved following the Bears match we tried to win two consecutive games.

Gareth v Dave Jordan 

Young Dave is very young and improving & I managed to take the first but started blowing a la Camel in the second but still managed to nick the game. Going into the 3rd all Dave needed to do was to take me to the front but strangely he didn't and 3-0 followed.

Flying Finn v Cameron Ford

Well Cameron is a strong 5 and I have never see Antti play but believe he had beaten Coops the Sunday before. A leftie and very competitive he ground out a 3-0 win to put us 2 up.

Neil v Mike Thorpe 

Mike strikes the ball harder than I have seen recently and even though he telegraphs his drops they are often effective. A see saw match which went to five when Neil got more consistent length and Mike started to make errors. Neil took the game. 3-2 and 3-0 to Beaconsfield.

Kev v Simon Clark

Kev still chastened by a certain excel spreadsheet was in a determined mood. Simon is a tidy player but in each game Kev had just enough to squeeze out a 3-0 win. Kevin's stats are improving just in time for the Plate in the Club Chumps.

Chris v Tom Paine

Tom lolloped and lobbed and seemed vaguely bored but I understand that this his usual fare. Chris was ready to run and retrieve and this paid off against an opponent without obvious killer shots. Chris played well and at 2-2 managed to take the fifth to win 3-2.

We won 5-0 and 19-4 and are peaking at precisely the wrong time! 
That's Kev for you!

Gazza

Match Report: Super 2nds v Bears

Bears Water Fallow Ground


Gazza v Jo

I didn't have a good feeling inside and played as nervously as Jo played well and I lost the first game. Clouds were appearing! Managed to take the next 2 games to calm the nerves and keep the vultures at bay who would have loved to see me lose to Jo. All went wrong in the forth with Jo closing it out and at 5-5 in the fifth I pictured Steve and Carol Smalley making a point of coming of coming into my office the next day and remarking smugly "Jo's playing well isn't she?" It was enough to spur me and I won the last game 9-6 I think.

Richard v Seb

A hum-dinger by all accounts which I didn't see but at 2-2 all Richard went 8-0 up in the 5th only for Seb to peg it back all the way to 8-8 and on for the win. Well done Seb, one to watch for ageing 40/50 year old, balding and overweight players. Most of the male membership then!

Chris v Toby Bear

An anti climax as Toby twisted his ankle I think during the 2nd game and Chris with endless running mercilessly put Toby out of his misery quickly to record a 3-0 win.

Neil v Ollie

Well, Neil just had too much in his tool-kit for Ollie - it wasn't pretty, it wasn't clever but Ollie seemed at a loss of how to get into each game. Neil won comfortably 3-0.

Kev v Dave

A good match with Dave playing well and up for battle. Kev spurred on my his poor stats on our team's results discovered that he did care about winning and he managed to win 3 close games to win 3-0,

4-1 win and 18-5 

Gareth

Super 2nds v Booker 2

Gazza writes:

After last week's 4-1 loss to Holmer Green 2 with Chris, Neil, Kevin and all losing but getting 2 points and Bob getting 1 (yes I was the only one to win) I went into last night’s match with an uneasy feeling inside.  

As I am injured (again) this report must take on a Headmaster’s tone in order to report the current malaise of the 2^nd team. The match got off to a flyer when Duncan Swallow their captain texted me at 5.00pm to tell me that they were only bringing 4 players. 

Result! 

So I texted my team and told James Wyatt that he wouldn’t be needed. Little did I know that those 3 walkover points would represent 50% of the points we would win.

When I arrived to watch Bob he had already lost 0-3 to Tim Bark Jones getting 12 points and Kev had gone down (again) 2-3 (again). Well I thought Neil is my banker and Chris will beat Frazer who isn’t playing as much as before. Well, I marked Neil’s match and my banker turned into my *anker; he certainly doesn’t desrve a big bonus for “working hard”. Short of length, off balance and finding the tin an unwelcome friend Neil was starngely out of sorts and unable to turn things round. After a tight first game when, as normal, Neil called “One” he then lost the next rally. What are the stats on Neil’s “One” in terms of win/loss? Neil got 4 points in each of the next 2 games losing 0-3.

Chris started playing Frazer whilst I was marking Neil’s match but inbetween games I saw that Chris had lost the first 0-9. He did better in the 2^ndgoing down 3-9 and went on to take the 3^rd before losing the 4^th 3-9. Chris lost 1-3 and did tell me he was still not injury free. So we lost 1-4 – thank you BSRC for the walkover points, we needed them!

I should have known what was to come when I saw Neil, Bob and Kev arrive in Neil’s new car! (Left)

Headmaster’s summary  

Kev – the losing streak and gut both need to go

Bob- the losing streak and gut both need to go

Neil- please find the animal inside again, is he or she hibernating?   

Super 2nds v Bulls (7/12/11) (The 'Beast' Bites Back)

Now that the dust has settled; I've taken a fair bit of stick about this so feel it reasonable to have my brief but uninterupted say about Tuesday's shenanigans with Bob The Marker... 
I know that I have 'previous', but, much as I love him, Bob and I have 'history' too; ours is a special relationship; Mr Heard fluffs himself up as the offiscious headmaster whilst I assume the role of naughty school boy. For me it's a difficult dance with an inevitable outcome; it becomes not about the players of the game but about the marking; with the marker keen to impose his will, invariable by reveling in making those 'difficult' decisions... 
I take no pleasure in it; which is why, when asked afore that match if I was "up for it" I replied, "Definitely, as long as Bob's not marking.' 
I should have known better than to mention it really.
Stick a pin in the piggy and it squeals.

Quelle suprise!

No surprise therefore that my vision was clouded and the red mist descended when Bob was handed the marking board with a wink and a chuckle.
I'm not blameless but I do know the nature of the beast (moi)... I also know that our beloved chairman doesn't see it any way but his own (and fair play to that confident parade) but there were a couple of undeniable stinkers early on that produced the inevitable response.
Yup, I did ask for a change of marker, I even said 'please'.
I was told to 'f*ck off'.
So, you can't say I didn't warn you, a car crash foreseen but flashing lights ignored.

Not much pleasure there and my main regret is that I do think that Gazza and I were up for it (we're both playing well at the moment) and the game's enjoyment was compromised before we even really got started. I'm sorry that my predictable histrionics rattled him as well.
Indeed, well done to the boy for keeping his head amidst all of the nonsense.

More importantly, it was a great evening of closely contested squash with some cracking match ups.
James and Natalie proving that the future's bright with an awesome display of cat, mouse and tiger.
Coops coming back so strongly against Mearsy, the comeback kid.
Captain Kangaroo's valiant effort agin the hefty ringer.
The Camel's gracious capitulation to a brutally effective display by 'Fruit & Nut' Guildersleve.
The hard earned points put us mid table, one point behind Chesham Bois Upstarts who we play in the last match of the year, at home, next Tuesday.
7.30 KO.
Should be fun...
Oh, and if you want to know how to use the 'comments' button below, ask The Camel.

Super 2nds v Bulls (7/12/11)

Match Report: Gazza

Where to begin! The evening started with a packed gallery watching the super competitive and highly talented James play the rapidly improving Natalie. More about that later. Let’s just say that the seeds of the storm that came later were sown around about this time. It wasn’t an evening for the faint hearted and of course Trevor was very much at the epicenter of things.

James v Natalie   

 A fascinating match in which all spectators were given a treat and at the same time a glimpse to the future with 2 fine younger players. James came third in The Swiss Open last weekend and is due to rise to 2 in Europe for his age group. Natalie took the first tight game 9-7 and James came back strongly to win the 2^nd 9-4. The rallies were often long, skillful and with excellent retrieving. James went on to take the 3^rd 9-7 and looked in control. The 4^th game was mammoth and James I believe had match points but Natalie came back superbly to nip it 10-8. Final game -  the gallery was tense, both parents had arrived by this time and Natalie managed to take it 9-6.    3-2 to Natalie

Toby v Dave Fielding

I unkindly mentioned 2 words as I saw Dave, “lamb and slaughter”! I was to later eat my words as Dave played a blinder, apparently his front of court game was deadly (I think he should be drug tested or checked for a identical twin brother). After 2 games it was one a piece and Dave surged ahead in the 3^rd. Toby managed to close out 9-7 and took the 4^th 9-5.   3-1 win to Toby  

Kevin v Jim

Jim really wanted to know in the showers post match if I really thought he had a big bum!? He was puzzled at my reference to his well filled shorts and assumed the worst! “Thighs man” I proclaimed as a fellow big thigh sufferer. Well Jim’s lost half a stone and has never lost to the tubbier Kev. Jim won the 1^st to 3 points and took the 2^nd to love! Kev 2-0 down. At the same time I was playing Trevor and it became clear that I would probably have to win for the 2nds to win the match. Well Kev dug deep from a more shallow well and pulled it back to 2-2. Final game – it was tight but Jim was sublime. Quick, clever little shots and an absolute peach of a top spin forehand volley drop into the front forehand corner nick to win the match.    Jim won 3-2   Well played Jim, a top and feared Bull.

Chris v Nigel  

I really thought this match would be closer, no disrespect to either player. Nigel has been getting stronger in recent weeks and beat Chris in a recent league match. But Chris was not having any of it and won 9-3, 10-8 & 9-5.

I have saved the worst until last!

Gareth v Big Bad Trev (stroppy Bull)

“There’s a conspiracy out there”, cried Trevor. (untrue. Ed) After the match he told me that he made it very clear to Kev that the one person that he didn’t want marking his match was Bob. He went on to then say that he then saw Kev ask Bob to mark! (Very true. Ed). Then it began. 

I took the first 10-8 and Trev the 2^nd10-8, 1-1. At the end of the third there were a couple of decisions that went my way that sent Trevor apoplectic! “I demand a different marker now”, said Trevor. (I actually said 'please'. Ed)  A lot of what was said I have managed to forget and Bob carried on marking. The atmosphere was charged and I think in a perverse “John McEnroe” way in helped Trevor to play what many said later was the best squash that Trevor has played for a long while. With those decisions I won the 3^rd. Trevor all fired up won the 4^th 9-7 (9-1 actually. Ed) and so again that night another 5 setter. But knowing Kev was 2 down and the whole match likely to be 2-2 the final game was worth 5 points to the winning team (includes the 4 point win bonus). We got to around 5-5 and the business end was upon us. I managed to summon up a bit extra and upped the pace to win 9-5. Final irony was that the winning point was a stroke (an obvious one) against Trevor. I won 3-2      

Match score 3-2 and 17-9 in points. Laugh of the evening? At the table Trevor was explaining how to post an anonymous comment to a blog on the unofficial club website. This went on for 5-10 minutes. The moment Trev finished Nigel asked him how to do it! Nigel, mentally, where did you go to and can I come next time?!

Thanks to all the players who played for the 2nds this half. Phil, get well soon and to Neil, no more pi*s ups, your team needs you on 24^th January!

Gareth     

Stacked Super 2nds v Bulls update. Piggin A Sling Spiked...

A Whiff of Bull Sick


There's been a late development with tonight' match up: 
Piggin 'A Sling' has been knobbled. 
Food poisoning is the diagnosis but we suspect foul play. 
We're currently checking back on Ian's food chain and note that:
- Toby & Gareth were very keen to share pie with him yesterday
- Guildersleve offered up his unsalted nuts (and dried fruits) more readily than usual on the same day
- James's suspicious offering of "10 licks of the gobstopper" suddenly has meaning
Get well Piggin, we hope that you can drag the sick bed up to the gallery (Dave the manager will give you a hand). 
Meanwhile the match ups now look like this (with predictions).
Chris v Camel (3-1)
Kev v Coops (2-3)
Gazza v Moi (3-1)
Tragic v Yootha (3-0)
Bring It v Nat (?)
Meanwhile, hallelujah, we have our first ever 'comment' on these pages (written solely to elicit response); look to the post below this one to see Harry Guildersleve putting you all to shame from distant Canada; if the monkey with his newly opposable digits can master the blog why can't you more sophisticated homo sapiens get interactive? 
So, an opposable "thumbs up" to the Monkey, maybe Darwin was onto something...

Super 2nds v BUPA Beckons (The Bulls)

Super 2nds v BUPA Beckons (The Bulls)
Goliath v David

This coming Tuesday sees the mighty Super 2nds take on the humble and ailing Bulls.
KO is 7pm to allow the under 13s to be home and tucked up by 9pm.
The facts:
The wounded Bulls, struggling for their divisional survival, are to be met by a stacked 'Super 2nds' team who will be bolstering their numbers with the Bears 'resting' supremo 'Magic; Johnson.
Yup, Toby the Bears NUMBER ONE will be guesting at... wait for it... number 4.
A dignified silence shall befall the Bulls forthwith and we happy underdogs will scrap for survival and (with Toby present) our suppers.
We will scrap to the last but I fear that we're casualty bound...
The match ups:
Chris 'Lean Machine' Guildersleve v our beloved crocked Camel
Prediction: 3-1
Kevin 'furry feet' Mears v Ian 'The Sling' Piggin
Prediction: 3-1
Gareth "I'm an estate agent, what do you expect?' Ashington v Crocked but Cuddly Coops
Prediction: 2-3
Toby 'The Zone' Johnson v Mirthless Moribund Moi
Prediction: 3-1
James 'Bring It' Wyatt v Noble Nobbled Nat
Prediction: I haven't a clue on this one.
Come see the pain.
Tuesday 7pm