Bulls v Chesham Bois Upstarts

A gloomy finish to an otherwise successful first half of the season was the result for the Bulls in their last match of 2014, playing away against Chesham Bois Upstarts. Dan and I managed to comfortably win our matches 3-0, but the others were not so lucky. Kevin was completely out of sorts, losing his match 0-3, while Harry Chapples and Heather each lost their matches 1-3. The final scoreline read 13-8, with the win going to Chesham Bois Upstarts.

HOWEVER

A more positive and team morale boosting picture is evident when summing up the first half of the Bulls season. An overall record of 4 wins and 4 losses to achieve a robust point total of 96 is very encouraging. These results have taken the Bulls to the lofty height of second in the table to finish 2014 (if only just!). A great position to end the year on, but with only eight points between the Bulls and the seventh place team the race is clearly quite tight for the second half of the season in 2015.

Notable individual statistics for the season thus far are as follows...

Top three point scorers: Harry Wyld (18), Joe (18), and Kevin (15)

Most team appearances for Bulls: A draw between Heather, Kevin, and Joe, each having seven appearances. Harry Wyld gets an honourable mention with six appearances.

Most matches being decided in five games: Another draw, this time between Kevin and Harry Wyld. Each had three matches going the distance... Harry won all of his, while Kevin didn't win any of his fifth game deciders! Heather gets an honourable mention with a pair of 3-2 matches, each of which she won.

Undefeated team players: Harry Wyld (6 wins) and Dan (2 wins)

Top three point differentials: Harry Wyld (10), Joe (9), and Dan (6)

3-0 Victories: Kevin, Joe, and Dan each had 2 team wins with a score of 3-0.

Best team win: Of course, the resounding 4-1 victory with 16 points scored against the Bears takes pride of place in this category from a team spirit point of view. However, the most points achieved in a win was 17 against Holmer Green; Toby, Heather, Harry Wyld, Kevin, and Harry Chapples all contributing points to that win.

Thanks go to all Bulls team members who have played during the first half of the season:

Harry Wyld
Kevin Mears
Heather Joy
Dan Joy
Toby Johnson
Olly Reeves
John Bullard
John Catchpole
Harry Chapples

A final thank you to Richard Monson for sponsoring the team and providing our fancy new shirts.

Bulls v Bears

Kevin Mears writes:

After the usual pre-match banter, side bets and positioning, Captain ‘cotton eye’ Joe was first to hold court with Joanne. Much was expected from an in-form Joanne but Joe’s pace and accuracy were too much for Joanne to handle. A lapse of concentration in the 3rd gave Joanne some hope, but this was soon quashed by Joe in the 4th.3-1

Next up was Olly against Captain Kangaroo (Fielding). The first game was eventually won by Olly having defended 8 game balls. Dave came back with gusto to take the second, but his determination was never going to be enough to combat Olly’s natural flare. Captain Kangaroo was dispatched in the next 2, probably wishing that he had taken the opportunity to sit on a sun kissed beach in Rio. 3-1

Having recently been promoted to the number 1 slot, Heather had another tough week, this time against Stefan Lubek, making a welcomed return to add strength to the Bear’s squad. Having lost the previous week, Stefan was keen to prove that he remembered how to play squash and he didn’t disappoint. Heather put up a credible performance, but the rejuvenated bear was too accurate, too fit and too strong. 0-3

Mearsy and Hicksie were next to lock horns. Kev lost the knock up 9/0 with Mike timing everything to perfection. The first game was a breeze for Mike, with Kev hitting too many mid court shots which Mike put away with ease. At 8/2 it should have been Hicksie’s game but somehow Mearsy managed to scrape back to finally win it 10/9. The next 2 went Kev’s way. 3-0

Finally young Harry “Hurricane” Wyld was pitched against Chris “county champion” Gilders. With a win incentive, Harry was focused on the victory, but Chris is too fit and too experienced to capitulate. Exquisite to watch, they battled well and Harry’s killing shots were absolutely outstanding (it’s amazing what happens when one practises). With the second game at 8-7, Chris mimicked to perfection a ‘Hurricane” killer nic, to level the scores. The remaining games continued at a high pace, but Harry proved too much for his senior, narrowly winning 10/8 and 9/7. 3-1

With the win bonus the Bulls won 16-6, the Bears will have to regroup for the return match on 24th March.
The following questions remain……..
Will Heather ever shout or argue ?
Will Harry ever win 3/0 and will he ever mark a match ?
Will Kev ever be quiet on court ?
Will Captain Joe’s bar bill ever be below £100 ?
Will Olly’s body hold up for an entire season ?
Will Stefan play enough to reach his potential ?
Will Hicksie get a full night’s sleep ?
Will Gilders ever be 10 stone?
Will Joanne ever beat Egan ?
Will Captain Kangaroo win a team match ?

Finally, a massive thanks to Sponsor Maximon Solutions (Richard & Lis Monson) for our quality new team shirts.

The Bull's Skipper Joe Budweiser writes:

A couple matches further into the season after the last report/update, the Bulls experiences have been a mixed bag......

Home against RAF

A late withdrawal from the Bulls roster by Harry Wyld due to illness was unexpected, but another junior player by the same name stepped into the limelight: Harry Chapples. He went on first and played very well, taking his match on a score of 3-1. On the other court, Olly Reeves was in trouble. No matter what strategy he tried to employ, his opponent was able to match it and took the string for RAF at 3-0. All square after two strings.

Heather went on court next playing at 1 and, similar to the match against Chesham Bois Juniors, found the level of opposition a bit too strong. Quick work by her opponent set the score at 3-0 in that string, meaning Kevin and I had to both win our matches to get the team win. Fortunately, we were both up the task. Matching string scores of 3-0 for us took the Bulls over the line for the victory, if only just.

Final Result:

Beaconsfield Bulls: 9 games, 3 matches won

RAF: 7 games, 2 matches won

Overall winner: Beaconsfield Bulls

Away against Aylesbury 2

A sad tale of player availability was the order of the day for this outing. Both Heather and Kevin, two key contributors to the cause thus far this season, were unavailable for the trip. Luckily, a couple of John's (Catchpole and Bullard) were able to step in and keep up the numbers for the squad.

First on court was John Catchpole at 5 against one of the two junior players Aylesbury had on their squad. John made a game of it for the youngster, but his opponent was a bit too skilful and ended up with a 3-0 win for Aylesbury. I was playing at 2, and went on court shortly after their match started. Between my opponent Chris and I, we made quite the spectacle. Two games ended on 9-0 with one result going each way, while both of us managed to play properly for two games and split those as well. This set up a fifth game tiebreaker, which I am sad to say went to Chris in the end. Two strings to Aylesbury and not looking good for the visitors.

Harry Wyld was on court next playing at 1 and had a very amusing match against Tristan. Significant amounts of shouting and racquet throwing by Tristan provided much entertainment for the gallery on the way to a fifth game (and during that game as well). Several dubious refereeing decisions for and against both players probably balanced out in the end, as Harry calmly put match ball away with a forehand volley smash into the front left nick to win 10-9. First blood for the Bulls, would a comeback be in the cards?

John Bullard was fourth on playing at the 4 spot, and his match went much the same as the other John's. While he seemed a bit more in control and made his opponent work for everything, he wasn't able to get the win, thus putting the team match victory to Aylesbury. Olly played last and, despite his movement not quite being up to scratch, managed to pulled out a 3-1 win to provide the team was some valuable consolation points in our loss.

Final Result:

Beaconsfield Bulls: 8 games, 2 matches won

Aylesbury 2: 12 games, 3 matches won

Overall winner: Aylesbury 2

Match Report: Bulls v Chesham Bois

Bulls captain Joe Budweiser writes:

A decent showing in the first quarter had the Bulls in good spirits for the drive to Chesham Bois. Our team chauffeur for the night, Chairman Mears, made sure all passengers were comfortably looked after in his car.... a prime example of his concern for the team's wellbeing was shown by him asking, and I quote, 'Heather, is your bottom warm enough?'

Seat heating jokes aside, a tough task was ahead for the Bulls. 

Olly had managed to arrange his athletic activity schedule such that he was playing football in Harrow earlier in the evening (thus missing out on Kevin's transport generosity). He managed to scrape a game from his opponent and looked the more skillful player, but the level of fitness required to push through for a match win was too high. First loss of the evening at 1-3, so not a good start.

Heather was on next playing at 1 in the new ranking order, and the pace of play quickly got to her. Some slight adjustments for the second and third game made things closer, but she never really found the required consistency to take a game. A 0-3 loss, two matches to Chesham. 

Harry Wyld had started on court during Heather's match, and provided a much needed dose of 'winning' to the effort. His opponent seemed to have every trick shot in the bag, but Harry took it all in stride to find himself on the end of a 3-1 win.

I was next on court, playing an opponent even taller than myself. I seemed to have the measure of him most of the time, but mental lapses in the second and third games allowed him to take the lead in the match. Fortunately, I collected things and brought it back to win the string at 3-2, bringing the overall team match score level at 2-2.

Last on was Kev (would you expect any less?), playing in the third spot. Knowing his ability to just mentally 'will' a match win, I felt sure that the overall result would be ours. Unfortunately, the first two games were a bit of a disaster, with Kevin unable to really find any sort of rhythm. He managed to completely turn things around in the third and fourth games, playing absolutely brilliant low cross courts and tight lengths to set up a deciding fifth game. But, the Squash Gods decided it was not to be, with his opponent recovering from Kevin's comeback and neatly winning the fifth game to put the match away for Chesham Bois.

Final match score:

Beaconsfield Bulls: 9 games, 2 matches won

Chesham Bois Juniors: 12 games, 3 matches wonOverall winner: Chesham Bois Juniors

Bulls: The Season Thus Far

Bull's skipper Joe Budweiser writes:

This season's first quarter results for the Bulls went as follows:

Match 1 - Away against Holmer Green 2; Win, 17-7
Match 2 - Home against Chesham Bois Seniors, Win, 16-10
Match 3 - Home against Wycombe 2; Loss, 9-16

The Bulls team players during the quarter were as follows:

Toby Johnson
Kevin Mears
Heather Joy
Joe Budzynski (sp?)
Dan Joy
Harry Wyld (sp?)
Harry Chapples

Some notable individual performances, especially from young Harry Wyld. He has quickly acclimated to team squash with the Bulls, and it's probably only a matter of time before he is playing in Division 1. The award for longest match this quarter goes to Chairman Mears against Phil Cornhill of Chesham Bois, with one that lasted somewhere between 80 and 90 minutes. Unfortunately he didn't come out the winner but it was a great match to mark and witness.

As regards to table position, two wins and a total of 42 points means the Bulls should end the quarter at second in the division. A decent start, but still a long way to go. Looking forward to the next quarter which includes an all-important intraclub match against the Bears.

Bulls v Holmer Green

Jim Cooper writes:

Apologies for the delay in reporting the outcome of last night’s match Bulls vs Homer Green. My day got off to a bad start with the A4 being turned into a car park for 2.5 hours this morning and I haven’t caught up!

Ian’s squad rotation paid huge dividends and in my opinion was rewarded with one of the best Bulls’ performances of the year.

First up Trevor ‘Sassoon’ Jones vs Trevor Howes. Trev’s been a bit of a super-sub this year. Normally we’re left guessing whether we’ll see the hairdressing nonce, or the artist of old, with flashes of poetic genius. Despite a wobble in the 3^rd Trev dispatched his man comfortably 3:1. Verdict: it was all Siegfried, no Vidal!

Meanwhile I was marking Olly vs Darren Thompson. Mark Mellott refused to mark them since he thought there was a high probability of this one “kicking off”. Now what could have made him think that! In reality they were no bother at all. This is comfortably the best I’ve seen Olly play for years. Moving well and hitting the ball really crisply. Despite a tough first game and some good running from Daren, Olly strolled home 3:0. He’s back!

Ches the Python Bhola was on the other court vs Mick Baker, who looks a bit like Sam the Eagle from the Muppets. Ches got off to a slow start losing the first 9:4 but won the next 2 relatively easily. Mick replied by winning the 4th setting up a decider. Now anybody who knows Ches will know there’s f*ck-all chance of him giving an inch and our man of steel duly delivered by taking the last 9:6. This was another great, hard-fought win, against a useful opponent. 3:2.

Chairman Kev, playing at one, was matched against Mark Mellott. Now Mark might not have the most sophisticated game and nobody is going to call him a shot-maker but he’s effective and seemingly tireless. The first 4 games seesawed back and forth, with Kev worryingly losing the 4^th 9:1 but Kev gave himself a stern talking to and upped the pace and endeavour in the 5^th. We all know the strength of Kev’s drop but I don’t think I’ve ever seen him play it better, or to such effect. Mark knew it was coming but they were just too tight. Kev took the 5^th 9:7 in what was a great game played in good spirit. 3:2

That left Harry vs Ross Baker as the last match of the night. Ross would normally play one I think but has dropped down to two following an injury earlier in the year. He’s a few pound heavier but still a quality player. Ross won the first 2 games 9:4, 9:2 but the games were tighter than the scores suggest. Harry played a good 4^th taking it 9:7. Ross got to match point in the 4^th at 8:4 but Harry dug-in and at 8:6 Ross took a nasty tumble and was looking shaky but finally managed to squeeze it out 10:9. 3:2.

So overall the Bulls won 17:8 and everyone played great. Well done boys, I was proud of you.

Jim

Bulls Beat Chesham Wrinklies

Chesham Bois Wrinklies visited the club last week.

As you can see, Matron is still in Majorca so they were forced to drive themselves... they weren't happy.

Kevin Mears put pen to paper to tell this tale (actually dictated this to young Michael Mears; the family's only 'writer').

Bulls v Chesham Old Boys

Following our narrow victory at the end of December against the Old Boys, it was our turn to host the return leg. 

The Bulls were rather plump after many celebrations over the festive period and looked more like hopefuls for the next Telly Tubby film, rather than a team of finely tuned athletes.

First up was our Toby, at the time undefeated in the first division.  It was always going to be a tough match against Phil Cornhill and it turned out to become a magnificent match with Toby narrowing winning the first 10/9, losing the next two, coming back with lovely touch and reactions to win the 4^th but finally running out of steam in the 5^th. 2-3

Next was Olly, who faced Aubrey.  Aubrey is never an easy to play against and Olly was unable to hit a decent length.  This put Aubrey in his comfort zone and was therefore able to control the match. 0-3

I went on against Richard and unfortunately for Richard, his hips gave way in the second game so he conceded and will hopefully return in a few weeks. 0-3

At 2-1 down the bulls were not looking confident.  Harry was up against the formidable and unorthodox Bob Ballingall, who had completely destroyed Jim in the last match (sorry to remind you Jim).  Telephone calls were exchanged and Monkey Boy played really well and sensibly.  That said, he was 2/1 down and 8 all and the result could have been so different had he not dug in and battled for each rally.  He won the 4^th 10 – 8 and fortunately had enough energy to win the 5^th with relative ease 3-2.  This was surely to be the match of the night

With everything poised at 2-2 up stepped our captain the Piggy who faced the bionic Steve Lewis.  This was Steve’s debut match for Chesham Bois following a break of c35 years.  The two contrasting styles was a joy to watch although both players looked totally exasperated at many and different times throughout this epic and gruelling match (welcome to Bucks squash Steve).  Ian fought so well to win this match and deserves the man of the match trophy.  The final game went down to the wire with Steve unable to close out the game and Ian finally piping him to the post 10/9 in the 5^th .   A fantastic result and great end to the first match of the season.  3-2

Footnote: If you are a 'CB Wrinkly' and are reading this, one of your group left a wallet in the changing room. No name or money inside, but you might recognise your loss by these photos found within... perhaps reminders of former glories and victories?

Please call the club to claim. 
If our receptionist asks who you are... ask Matron, she'll remind you.

Bulls v Chesham Wrinklies

Captain Piggin's match report: 

We played some squash against some old chaps.  
- I lost to a young chap who was bald and thereby qualified for their team.  
- Jim had a sorrowful experience against Rob who made him look a bit silly really (no offence Jim).  
- Olly beat an old man.  
- Harry almost lost to a very old man, but managed to scrape through thereby preserving his proud “I only lose to girls” victory chant.  
- Kev beat Tristan Farley Wotsit, which clinched the match for us.  
We then reminisced about how we much we missed Trev, although reflecting that we may have lost the match overall if he had played.  
Swings and Roundabouts, etc.

Raging Bulls v Chesham Juniors

Kevin Mears writes:

Having been narrowly defeated by The Bears last week, The Bulls regrouped and were determined to return from their first visit to Chesham Bois with a handsome victory.

With Captain Pig having a business meeting (at the 02 arena watching tennis), the services of 1^st division undefeated Magic Johnson were called upon.  With Seb at two and Olly returning at 5, what could possibly go wrong against some fresh faced ‘juniors’ from Chesham Bois?

First up was Olly: Looking somewhat lacklustre in the first, Olly and Peter Stevenson traded games until the 5th, when Olly’s experience and flare brought him to a comfortable victory.
Welcome back Olly to your winning ways.
3/2

Jim played Simon Clark. While Jim beat Simon last season, Jim never got out of the starting blocks, whereas Simon was energetic, accurate and ultimately unstoppable.
0/3

Kev played Tom Ormiston. Rather similar to Jim’s match, Kev never got going and was extinguished by Tom’s unorthodox style.
0/3

All was not lost with victories needed from Seb and Toby, both more junior than the youngest junior from the Juniors.

Seb dropped the first two games against Andy Piper and after a pep talk from Jim, returned to win the 3rd. Alas, Andy’s form returned and his accuracy and reach was ultimately too much for Seb.
1/3

Finally an in-form Toby stepped up to provide the Bulls with an exhibition of first division squash. Toby’s fitness training, coaching and first division experience has resulted in him being undefeated this season. Surely returning to division 2 would be a breeze for our Magic. The first went according to plan 9/1. Peter East is however no push over and his mixture of fitness, accuracy and reach were more than Toby had bargained on. Trailing 1/2 Toby dug deep and won the 4th 9/0. Surely this would now be a victory for our Magic. Sadly, this was not the Bull’s night and having squandered a couple of match balls at 8/6, Peter never gave up and secured a solid victory over a startled Toby.
2/3

The top of division 1 table shows the Bulls 1st with 75 points, Bears 2nd with 75 points and Farnham Common 3rd with 73 points. This is however flattering, since all other teams in the division have played less matches.

Bulls v Booker (away) 19/3/2013

'Squeaky bum time' I believe they call it.
With two matches to play The Brave Bulls were in a dog fight with 2 or three other teams for the dreaded drop. Nobody wants demotion, particularly when you're fated with away trips to the far reaches of the county; Milton Keynes or Buckingham anybody?
We were also aware that two of the Chesham Bois teams (Upstarts & Seniors) were in the doo doo with us, but were playing Chesham Bois Juniors (safe and indifferent) in their last matches. We respect them as honorable foe but recognize that survival sometimes brings out man's baser instincts. So, we needed to take the bit between our teeth and be masters of our own destiny: win the last two matches handsomely and cast care to the wind.
The first step of the final step was some ruthless captaincy; cutting loose the dross. As part of the cull The Python, when he came out with his customary opening gambit: 'but Tuesday's my shagging night' was told to go forth and shag. I received no such notice, nothing but a dusty silence when this team's selection was discussed at last week's apres match meal. There was much whispering... Being dropped for a Camel and a Rhino is almost as demoralizing as being told by Big Bird that I am the '320th most shaggable totty in the club'; shortly followed by Tracey revealing to me that, for her, I was the '2nd most loathsome member of the club'. The only pleasure in that conversation was when she revealed who was more loathsome than me... But 320th most shaggable? Nic Manley's at 250 for christ's sake! The only relief is the knowledge that Lisa likes 'ugly blokes with big c*cks' so... one out of two should surely see me in the top 200. No?
Anyway, I digress. The team that pitched up was not pretty but fit for purpose:
Koala (just back from a ski trip that saw him dancing naked with a bellyful of the black stuff)
Pig (just back from Cyprus and more concerned with the math than the match)
Chicken (preoccupied with completing his daughter's science homework online)
Rhino (devoid of talent and form but at least consistent... renamed Guilder Christ; our saviour)
Camel (dressed like a bag man preparing to sleep under Waterloo bridge; with a demeanor that is the opposite of 'a coiled spring'.)
They weren't exactly going to put the fear of God into Booker but, blimey, they were sure to get pity.
I was there as photographer and correspondent.
This is what I saw:

First up was The Camel.
He huffed and he puffed and blew out any match plan that his opponent might have had; effectively delivering the ball to his helpless opponent with rigor mortis.
His helpless opponent Don Westerman was new to us all and apparently he is 'very good at basketball'...
Just as well for the Camel that...
3-0



On the other court Jim was up against Tim Bark-Jones. 
Tim wanders around court like an old man in a library; he kept venturing to the dusty corners only to seemingly foget why he'd gone there. Perhaps a return to the T would jog his memory. There were the odd moments of lucidity when he shot from the hip to force some devastating short winners but generally his body language articulated his performance. Jim just needed to stay awake to convert the points and did so admirably.
3-0

Then came the the Rhino. Chris has been heard wailing to himself in the changing rooms "I'm not a rhino, I'm a man'. Photographic evidence seems to suggest that he may have a point...
He warmed up by playing with an imaginary ball and I must say that it's the best I've seem of him lately. He looked full of purpose and his (imaginary) timing was faultless. Things wobbled a bit upon the introduction of a ball and an opponent, Duncan Swallow (who was later to disgrace himself by not offering the team's support staff (me) beer.) Chris's commitment to the rally was more than Dunc could cope with so he took to doing Mr Bean impressions...
3-0

Meanwhile the Koala was on the other court taking on their number one, a pugnacious Mark Brown. Mearsy had no chance did he? He was still reeking of the weekend's indulgences and carrying around a barrelful of unpissed belly beer. He was dispatched with ease in the first game but then the little emperor dug in, his drops found the nicks, his lobs became inch perfect and he took the 2nd with ease. At 7-6 up in the 3rd the look on his face was priceless: he was a little more engaged than he'd anticipated and there was nowt left in the tank. The wheels came flying off and Mark relentlessly but mercifully put Napoleon out of his misery. Still, a vital point at number one, normally a desert for us.
1-3

Last up was our skipper. Now playing at 2 The Pig has been finally enjoying team life. A season at number 1 as 'team punch bag' was starting to test even Ian's resolve. So, after a week of sunbathing in Cyprus we found him rejuvinated but agin talented opposition. 'Gorgeous' George Goodchild and Ian went toe to toe and produced the match of the evening. The rallies were long and testing and eventually took their toll on both players; George was moving further and further back, Pig was tinning more and more drops. At one all George's error count was rising and it seemed that Ian might prevail, but Booker's Babe reined himself in and finally overcame our brave but knackered Pig.
1-3

Meantime, The Chicken and The Rhino have asked me use this forum to scotch rumors once and for all that they are involved in a gay relationship. This has led to many unkind 'what do you get if you cross a chicken with a rhino?' type jibes. They have also informed me that their latest 'charge' Quentin is not an offspring but actually adopted. They're considering boarding school to keep 'Q' with their other little ones, but simply cannot come to an agreement. One of them is thick skinned, the other doesn't want to put all of his eggs in the same basket...

Back to the squash: one game to go; the wretched Buckingham at home.
We need to fill our boots.
We look forward to chastising them on their late arrival and imposing the 'one beer only' rule.
Whilst I was grateful for the scrapings last night (a tasty curry) it seems that Duncan Disorderly has adopted that code for Booker too... Is 'Swallow' really his surname?
Finally, Gazza has asked me to share this link with you.
It's about a girl who pretended to be a boy to succeed at squash.
I can't work out if he's taking the piss out of me or Sam Muller...

Bulls vs Chesham Juniors

Bull's Interim Captain Jim 'The Chicken' Cooper writes:

With Captain Pig and the Camel away on a pre-Easter retreat it was a somewhat makeshift Bulls team who were at home to the Juniors on Tuesday night. The Juniors are riding high in the division, just below the cream, which is of course our very own 2nds and Bears, so we went into the match a little apprehensive. 

First up was the Python, recently returned from a spiritual trip to the subcontinent, against their captain, David Jordan. Ches needed all his guile and court craft to keep his opponent from running everything down and took the 4th comfortably 9:2 with some excellent lobs and drops but credit to David, who played well in the last to take the match 3:2 after a long and very hard-fought game. 

Meanwhile, the Fox was doing battle on court 4 with Tim Leslie-Smith (AKA “Rimmer” from Red Dwarf). Now Trev’s not been in the best of form since Christmas. It’s even been suggested his orchids have shrivelled but it seems this was all the impetus he needed to regain his trademark mincing swagger. Trev took the first and 3rd but smeghead parried with the 2nd and 4th. Would Trev crumble like the hairdressing nonce we’ve grown accustomed to? No Sir! He gritted it out, manned-up and delivered a much needed win and 3 points for the Bulls. Hoorah!

The Chicken was on next against Simon Clark and like the other matches, this one swayed back and forth until we reached the decider, when I’m afraid to say Simon stepped it up and played a great game to take the match 3:2. What a p*sser! 

On court 4, the Koala was entertaining Tom Paine in the first-string match. Regrettably, Kev’s flash of new year brilliance has not been sufficiently sustained and he wasn’t able to detain the youngster for long, going down 3 love. 

That left Bulls newby “The Rhino” to take on Andy Piper in the last match of the night. This was a game of contrasting styles, if ever there was one. Andy began by taking the first game and 7 points of the second with an imperious serve and drop game. The ball was getting colder and colder and Chris was frankly all at sea but he dug in, chased a lot down and miraculously scrabbled a 10:8 win from nowhere in the second. Andy countered with the third but with a new game plan Chris upped the pace, moved Andy around and in customary Rhino fashion took the match in 5.

So a very tight match, with 4 of the 5 games going to 3:2 and a very good night, played in the right spirit throughout. Even the Pig didn’t seem too disappointed with the outcome!

Bulls v Chesham 1066

The match report is from The Koala and described by The Pig as "as short and potent as the man himself."

Napoleon writes:

Here is the match card and what an excellent team performance.

I was totally demolished by young Joe, who I think will be a better squash player than his brother before too long.

Pig – fine concentrated effort against a refreshed Simon, who I have never seen play so well.

Gilders – easy run, playing tight and accurate squash.

Coops – once he found his length, was unstoppable.

Camel – never in doubt against a really unorthodox Mark.

So before last night (and all after 16 games) the points were:

RAF      168

Bulls      165

1879      160

B’ham   101

This has widened the gap between ourselves and 1879 by 15 points...

Bulls v 2nds

Bulls skipper Ian Piggin writes:

After being put out to pasture for a week, the Bulls returned home to face the mighty Beaconsfield 2nd team. Just in case you're unsure, I'm referring to the tribe lead by Gareth, not the Bears.
Intra-club team matches have become quite civilised affairs in the recent past and this was no different.

Trevor (aka Fox) started out against Heather Joy (actually a Bulls squad player but now a regular for the 2nds). I saw Captain Fielding's report on his game against Heather and I can imagine that was a battle of muscle v matchplay. Trevor has been accused of many things over the years but I can't imagine being over-muscled is one of them. Trevor started off with his usual tactic - a convivial chat during warm-up. I don't think Heather has yet realised the best response is to simply ignore him. She's far too well mannered for that. The first two games were very close. A battle between Heather's patient matchplay, a fantastic ability to seemingly dig anything out of back corners and ample stamina and Trevor's highly effective front court arsenal of drops, backhand cross court kill and attacking boast. Heather took the first game. As Trevor got his front court game dialled-in, the match swung in his favour. After Trevor took the 2nd 10-8, he went on to take the next two a little more comfortably, but not that comfortably. He ran better than he has all season. On paper, something of a mis-match in styles but a very entertaining game. Bulls 1 up.

Whilst Trevor was on court 4, Jim "Chicken" Cooper played Gareth. As I was marking Trevor's game, I didn't see too much of this game. I heard plenty of swearing. I passed Jim in the corridor between games appearing to be in a state of self-flagellation/admonishment any member of opus dei might be proud of. This was an effective self-motivational tool in the third game, Jim taking it 9-7, but didn't work at all in the other 3 games, which he lost. A bit out of sorts, we need our best points collector back next week. Bulls/2nds level. ok, where do we go from here then?

I went up against Antti. We have similar styles of play but I'm yet to develop antti's patience and stamina. A thoroughly enjoyable game (for me at least) but after a purple patch taking the second 9-2 and getting to 8-3 in the third the wheels fell off a little. Unfortunately, Antti sensed this and picked up the pace. I was a bit spent. He went on to take it 3-1. 2nds 2-1 up. That wasn't the plan.

In the time it took for Antti and I to warm-up, Toby did for our Koala chairman Mears on the other court. By all accounts (including his own), Kev played pants. I suspect Toby might say he played well and relentlessly pushed hard on every point. 2nds 3-1 up. Damn.

Finally, the match of the evening started. Our wheezing Camel faced the young buck Seb. I only got to see the last 2 games. By this stage, Nigel was 2-1 up. This really was a clash of styles. As far as I can make out, unless Nigel is playing Trevor, they both generally have a clash of styles. Being awkward and difficult to beat is a fine strategy. The Camel has perfected this to a fine art. A deft mixture of attacking boast, drops, lobs and a "love of the cold ball" can be highly effective. This can be totally infuriating if you just want to spank it. Seb, I sensed, wanted to spank it, at least most of the time. I think the Camel got to 8-4 up in the fourth and served for match ball, once or twice. However, after a couple of huge rallies (possibly exceeding 5 or 6 shots), the Camel looked exhausted. He then developed an affinity with anything " not in court" and succumbed to losing the game 10-8. Everyone then at the bar (including WKP turning 60 - happy birthday WKP) thought the Camel's run was done. Except, perhaps he, no doubt from prior experience of winning from impossible positions. You'll no doubt have worked out the Camel took the fifth, but only after a lot of heart, diagonal court sprints, errors, lets/strokes and general untidiness from two exhausted players. A great game, enjoyed by all.

So, the 2nds took the match 3-2, but it was close.

The Bulls are away next week to 1879. A relegation decider. Perhaps.

Pig

Bulls v Holmer Green Koko's Report

Koko might nominally be 'a Bear' but we Bulls recognize him as a kindred spirit. Whilst The Bears were busy bullsh*tting in the woods Phil was supporting his club with bullish intent; he was all over the place: coaching, heckling, scoring, polishing the coat hooks behind the bar...

Koko writes (well, it's more like 'typing'...):

In the spirit of club kinship between the ‘other’ second teams at the Club and because my hand went up too quickly following dinner I am cheekily penning the brief match report from last Tuesday’s match between the Bulls and HGSC
I was fortunate to see most of the matches and can report that happily for the Bulls and Beaconsfield that they enjoyed a somewhat comfortable win …….

First on was Captain smasher ‘Pig’ who played awkward Darren who had the previous week made DP work for his points and so it turned out in this match , all at sea in the first Ian let Darren build up a comfortable lead in the second before starting to play better lengths and dropping the ball !! , he took the second and third with better straightforward squash and – after a few dodgy calls (swiftly denied by Trevor’s marking) Darren finally capitulated after a close 4th game . 

3-1 to the Pig ….. full marks for a Captain's innings

At the same time the walking lung that is McNeil was starting quickly against Trevor another County over 55 player and cranking up his breathing gear the Camel came through in 3-0 without too much harm done , splendid ..

I went to the bar after this but returned to watch TJ play with increasing confidence against HG’s youngest team member - who made up for rapid movement around the court with a rather inconsistent approach to hitting the ball allowing The Fox to show boat on a number of occasions when his languid movement coincided with the ball leaving him a clear 3-1 winner... close but no cigar to my Captain Kangaroo …’don’t panic we can fly on one engine ‘ Fielding who tucked the young lad up 3-0 the week before

Whilst all this was happening (and I was in the bar) The Chicken was on and off for a 3-0 win against the lanky chap I’d played the week before with the same result , Jim was obviously motivated , ruthless and on the pace - I didn’t see any of this game but am advised that it was .. spiffing ………….

Finally it was Koala '2 c*nts' Mears against Matt who’d spanked Jo’s butt last week (figuratively speaking as I think he may have been too young for her ) .You can normally tell when Mearsy is going to focus as he crouches a bit more and runs quickly – so it was in this game as he wrapped up a comprehensive win 3-0 with a variety of Karate chops and Spastic wrested volleying... entertaining

An excellent result since The Bears were only able to win 4-1 against HG and a good omen for the final matches of the season.

I was left feeling what a friendly bunch you guys are as well and not half as bad a bunch as some commentators would have you believe; even allowing me to demonstrate my City and Guilds in 'Photography'...

Koko

Bulls v Holmer Green. Koko's Write up Pending...

The Pig writes: 

We bagged 19 points last night against a weakened Holmer Green.

A great team effort and quite a lot of fun as well. 

Matchcard attached.
Unusually, Phil Alexander will do the match report; a steep price to pay for hanging around in the bar too long, but Koko was warned.
So, that will take us to 149 points from 14 games. 

Next week, away at the RAF who have 150 points from 14 games. 

A relegation decider, possibly (although looking at the league Holmer Green are now in the mix with 1879, us and the RAF).
It would be useful if the Bears turned over the RAF tomorrow night - Trev, some gentle words of encouragement on the blog?

Trev: Not a lot that I can say Pig. The Bears are fueled by the self confidence that comes with their wealth of talent. If the RAF are similarly stacked it could be a cracker.

Meanwhile, take a look at this 'candid' from last night. It's blurry nature suggests that the evening ended in disarray... This is as focussed as The Bulls get these days. From left to right witness:

The Koala; it's been mentioned that this particular Bear has two vaginas: The Chairman is keen to remind you all that he would therefore like to be known, forthwith as 'Two C*nts', but only after the 9pm watershed.

The Fox: Trying to get The Python back into my pants...

The Pig: Looking like a Sci Fi Hobbit...

The Camel (kneeling): Hooded but happy.

The Chicken: Looking a bit like a waxwork of Gollum that's been left a little too close to the radiator.

The ears/pate/nose combo had me snorting porridge when I first viewed it...

Bulls v Chesham Upstarts

Here our beloved Chairman proves himself a master of punctuation and brevity; his first ever match report.... and note that, like all deluded egotists, he talks about himself in the 3rd person (unless of course he got his dopey son Michael to write the thing...)

With a motivational email from the captain prior to the match, we were all in good spirits and full of optimism when heading over to Chesham Bois. Trev was dropped due to age impaired illness and kindly volunteered to drive, spectate and support; all of which was done to an incredibly high standard. So high in fact, this could be a regular slot for The Fox.

Kevin was up first and having heard about team training had embarked on two marathon games the previous day, winning both in the 5th. So feeling confident, although slightly stiff he started well. At 2/1 down and looking as if he was game over he clawed his way back to win the 4th. The deciding game was a disappointment, with energy levels low and achillies hurting, he lost 9/5.

On the next court, Nigel was huffing and puffing against his oppo. Both were exasperated, with classic Camel shots being played and his oppo getting frustrated and snatching at shots he wouldn’t normally miss. On winning the 4th game, they both were leaving the court, when the marker announced that a let should be played. Nigel managed to gather breath and reminded the marker that this oppo had not asked for one (which he hadn’t) and therefore it was his game. All agreed, and the final game commenced after a much needed rest. It was a match that either could have won with match balls on either side. Sadly draws are not permitted, and Nigel eventually lost 10/9 in the 5th.

It was not the best of games from captain Ian, who faced a dynamic youngster. Although he fought well, it was a one sided battle and The Pig was unable to salvage a point.

Jim likewise faced a tough opponent and unusually went down 3/0. There was no chickening out, just out classed and out run.

Finally The Python stepped up to salvage some respect for the fading bulls. Chez isn’t renowned for playing well away from home but this all changed on Tuesday. There was nothing between the two players (apart from years) and both were totally committed to the win. The only weakness I could observe in Chez’s game was him serving out, too many times. With a packed gallery, at 2 games all, they clawed ever nearer to the magical 9 points. At 8 all, again a draw was offered, but a surly Wayne said “play on”. Eventually Chez lost 10/9 and we all retreated to the bar to enjoy the Chesham Bois hospitality. We didn’t make the 8 points as desired by our Captain but we will never win a harder fought 6 points.

Kevin Mears

Bulls v Bears

This encounter is usually a fun and feisty affair; fueled by a genuine competitive edge.
Sad to report that it was a rendered a limp dick; predictably impotent.
For the record:
The top 3 games were essentially exhibition matches; I'm sure that Adam, Dave (Powell) and Koko would have enjoyed a run out but (with respect to Ian and Jim) weren't remotely challenged by the best that The Bulls could muster:
Pig v Adam Pyne  0-3
Chicken v Dave Powell  0-3
Fox v Phil Alexander 0-3
Koala Kev and Oliver Reeves at least threatened some kind of encounter before Olly's achilles rendered him lackluster. 3-1
The Gnat, struggling with a bad back, was ill advised to play immediately after a session with Priya. She took the first game against Jo Smalley before becoming a passenger; eventually retiring. 1-3
4-17 to The Bears then...
Well done Bears!
Apologies that it wasn't more competitive.
Thanks to those who turned up.
Sorry it wasn't more of a show.
I think that The Bulls might be rotating the squad at Xmas to relieve and rebuild confidence.
Still, we had plenty of time for a pleasant little drink afterwards, dulled the pain nicely, nearly hitting £150 on the bar bill. A record of sorts I think...

Bulls vs Chesham 1879

Coops is currently displaying a pitiful mustache in the name of 'Movember'.
He has asked me to pass on to you that he's heard all of the 'Village People' jokes and is not amused.
There was some talk last night from Big Bird of her leading a similar venture for the ladies in the club.
Any female members interested in her 'Fanuary' proposal please contact her at bigbush.co.uk
Meanwhile, here's Jim's report.
I couldn't find a picture of a bull with a 'tache so you'll have to make do with a bearded monkey...

On Tuesday night the Bulls took on Chesham 1879 at home. Things got off to a positive start when it became clear Charlie Yerrell would not be playing. There were conflicting stories, first that he's sold out and is now playing number 2 for Chesham Bois in the first division and second that he got severely largered-up at the weekend and injured himself in the process. Either way and like an unfortunate Jimmy Saville booking for the school fete we really weren't that sorry he didn't make an appearance.

First on was Capt Pig against the younger Yerrell (Joe), who's a year older and wiser and a useful number one for them. I didn't see too much of this one, being called into marking duties elsewhere, but Ian managed to take the second game before youth prevailed (1-3).

Next on was our illustrious Chairman vs the perennial Roger Hill. Both were coming back from surgery, Kev from adjustment to his shoulder and Roger's had his knees done, or his orchids pruned, or something! Kev got off to a good start, mixing lengths with his trademark karate style backhand drop and was soon two up. Roger looked out of sorts but like the gritty fighter he is dug-in in the 3rd. They traded blows like a couple of old prize-fighters. Roger got to game point before Kev cruelly shut the door in his face with some timely winners. Sweet! (3-0)

Then it was Natalie vs Dave Walden. I'd not seen Dave play before but he's quite a unit! He hit the ball crisply to a length on both sides and volleyed well too. Dave won the first and then Nathalie narrowly took the second. Dave really bossed the third, taking it to love and things were looking sticky but Nathalie began to take stock of the situation and realised that like a Weeble he was quite good at swaying from side to side but considerably less able at moving front to back. She upped the effort and with some sweetly constructed rallies of lengths, boasts and drop shots comfortably took the 4th and 5th. Dave was gutted. (3-2).

Meanwhile the Camel was playing Chris Butler on court 4. I didn't see too much of this one, suffice to say that Nigel's poisonous mix of boasts, lobs and drops was too much for Chris who went down quite tamely (3-0).

Finally, I went on last against Steve French in the knowledge that the match was already in the bag. Steve's Mrs has recently had a young baby and I think sleepless nights and lack of court time have clearly had their effect. Steve briefly showed his capabilities in the second with his trademark flashing boast but I sensed he wasn't really up for it and closed it out 3-1.

So all-in-all a good night for Bulls (17-6) and a result which should put us firmly in the middle of the pack at this stage in the season.

2nds v Bulls

Gazza writes:

Well, the dust has finally settled a week after an intriguing night which saw Neil run off court at 2-1 down and announce that he was in real danger of losing his jewels! More later …
Trevor (seen right, a shadow of a former shadow) had an announcement too as he arrived at 7.35, “Gazza, can we play first as I get worse the later it gets?”. Like a jaded teacher Trevor failed to ask any proper questions and had about as much fight in him as Audley Harrison.

Neil v Jim – Neil who needed to be home by 7.30pm tried desperately to play at 6.30 but all courts were booked. Hid identical twin was obviously elsewhere so Neil quickly lost the first 2-9 but he forgot time in the second and breezed past Jim 9-3. He looked at his watch again, felt his manhood literally slipping away and lost the 3rd 7-9. I was marking and turned for a quick swig and Neil appeared on the balcony with apologies and an exit that Linford Christie would have been proud of. So it became 3-1 to Jim who had the look of someone who had just had an unsatisfactory “session”.

Natalie v Nigel – Natalie, dropped for the 2nd time by the Bulls (only joking) was predicted by Trev to lose was re-invigorated by just one of Andy Longman’s Sunday afternoon torture sessions. Nigel took the first 2 games before Nat got into the game and started to hear the Camel rattle. She took the 3rd 9-6 and the 4th 10-8 to set up a tense decider. Nigel playing perfect lobs and beautifully weighted shots that died in the back corners had enough to close out 9-6. Great match, 3-2 to Nigel; Nat is back, getting fitter.

Gazza v Trev – well we have history but that competitive edge has all but disappeared as it was more like playing with my dad who is 70 odd and heavily strapped up. The first 2 games whizzed by but I tweaked my hamstring in the 3rd and stopped moving. Fortunately Trev didn’t notice, many said I played dirty as I should of told him when it happened. Let’s hope the Trev we know and love finds his squash mojo again. 3-0 Gazza.

Toby v Pig – a hit fest which I marked, ball whizzing invariably to a length with the occasional boast thrown in and every now and again a drop shot just to keep my interest going. Toby, too fit and motivated out gunned a strangely tired Ian to win 3-0.

Seb v Ches – I heard someone saying later in the bar that this match was like the changing of the guard in the club. Seb 16 and Ches 63/64. Ches is incredibly fit for his age (he’ll smack me for that!), Seb steamed through the first 2 games for 5 points before Ches got a grip in the match and took the third. This was the match, the one that would decide a tie poised at 2-2. Seb showed no mercy, upped the pace and won 9-1. 3-1 to Seb.

A great match, 3-2 to the 2nds and 16-7. The bill for the night was about £88, a world record for when Trev is there. I did save £12 however with Neil not staying for 3 beers. And Lisa always makes it a memorable night for all with her utter disdain for us all!

Bulls v RAF

The Camel writes:

Tuesday night saw the return of the Silver Fox (TJ) from injury to bolster the side, and the debut of Ches 'The Python' Bhola in the Bull's line up.
The RAF had lost their first four matches, and without their star player Paul Warner at 1, the Bulls knew they had to make hay whilst the sun was shining...

Ches v Tony 3-0
With deft racket work and good lengths Ches took the first 2 games 9-2, 9-3. Despite a resurgence in the 3rd from Tony, Ches up'ed the tempo to take it 9-5.

Trevor v Len 3-2 

A good hour's worth for Trevor on his return, cruising to 2-0 up before Len got into gear to level at 2-2. A fine battle ensued in the 5th with the Fox taking it 9-7 to cap the best match of the night.

Camel v Wayne 3-0 

Just keep the ball away from his racket - always easier said than done in this confined sport - but enough done to secure victory.

Coops v Lee 3-1 

Lee is never one to capitulate, and having gone 0-2 down to Jim's tactful court work, punched back to take the 3rd 9-2. Jim got back in to the driving seat in the 4th and took it 9-2.

Pig v Phil 0-3 

Phil is a classy young player, and Ian rose well to the challenge of playing him at 1. Unlucky not to nick at least one game, 7-9, 5-9, 7-9, his luck will surely turn soon.

So we did make hay 16-6 and enjoyed our sausages all the more afterwards........

Next up is Gareth's Super 2nds on Tuesday. 

Some encounters to relish are in store. 

Should be a night to remember!