Bulls v Chesham Bois Upstarts

A gloomy finish to an otherwise successful first half of the season was the result for the Bulls in their last match of 2014, playing away against Chesham Bois Upstarts. Dan and I managed to comfortably win our matches 3-0, but the others were not so lucky. Kevin was completely out of sorts, losing his match 0-3, while Harry Chapples and Heather each lost their matches 1-3. The final scoreline read 13-8, with the win going to Chesham Bois Upstarts.

HOWEVER

A more positive and team morale boosting picture is evident when summing up the first half of the Bulls season. An overall record of 4 wins and 4 losses to achieve a robust point total of 96 is very encouraging. These results have taken the Bulls to the lofty height of second in the table to finish 2014 (if only just!). A great position to end the year on, but with only eight points between the Bulls and the seventh place team the race is clearly quite tight for the second half of the season in 2015.

Notable individual statistics for the season thus far are as follows...

Top three point scorers: Harry Wyld (18), Joe (18), and Kevin (15)

Most team appearances for Bulls: A draw between Heather, Kevin, and Joe, each having seven appearances. Harry Wyld gets an honourable mention with six appearances.

Most matches being decided in five games: Another draw, this time between Kevin and Harry Wyld. Each had three matches going the distance... Harry won all of his, while Kevin didn't win any of his fifth game deciders! Heather gets an honourable mention with a pair of 3-2 matches, each of which she won.

Undefeated team players: Harry Wyld (6 wins) and Dan (2 wins)

Top three point differentials: Harry Wyld (10), Joe (9), and Dan (6)

3-0 Victories: Kevin, Joe, and Dan each had 2 team wins with a score of 3-0.

Best team win: Of course, the resounding 4-1 victory with 16 points scored against the Bears takes pride of place in this category from a team spirit point of view. However, the most points achieved in a win was 17 against Holmer Green; Toby, Heather, Harry Wyld, Kevin, and Harry Chapples all contributing points to that win.

Thanks go to all Bulls team members who have played during the first half of the season:

Harry Wyld
Kevin Mears
Heather Joy
Dan Joy
Toby Johnson
Olly Reeves
John Bullard
John Catchpole
Harry Chapples

A final thank you to Richard Monson for sponsoring the team and providing our fancy new shirts.

Trojans v Rivets

You always know when there's trouble afoot when you get an unexpected call to play.  We were

definitely struggling to get a good team out, and to top it off our No.1 dropped out.  To make amends Mike had brought his very fetching new kit, very stylish.  So off we went to Rivets, where, would you believe they were missing their 1,2 and 3.  Things suddenly started looking up and with our hot new kit, we were pumped.  It never ceases to amaze me that something a simple as a squash court can vary so much.  Rivets have one of those big long heaters down the centre of the court, consequently standing on the T was a bit like being lost in the Kalahari desert – unbelievably hot, but the sides were quite normal. So the strategy was to spend as little time on the T as you could manage. 

First up was yours truly playing at 4 playing a chippy little Irishman. Now I am usually a slow starter, but tonight I set a new standard, just couldn't settle into it.  Lost the first game 9-1, not good. Second game was better but still way off the pace.  Lost 9-6.  Third game was time to get it sorted but I was still firing on three cylinders when the score was 7-5 to the Irishman.  Bad, and much anguish in the gallery.  Finally I managed to sort myself out and avoid a disaster. - due in no small part to some excellent advice from Steve May.  Won 9-7.  Fourth game was totally different, it was like somebody else had come on court. My serving purred, effortless dropshots, I barely needed to move.  Paddy was looking beguiled.  Won that one 9-4.  So nicely set up for the fifth and on a roll.  Then I had a wobble.  Serving got loose, Paddy got back into it.  At 6‑2 things weren't looking good.   Clawed my way back to 7-7, got my nose in front at 8-7.  At last victory within my grasp!  But just couldn't finish it off, lost 10-9.  Bugger. The gallery was exhausted.  Lost 2-3

Meanwhile on the next court, big John Catchpole was dispensing misery.  Didn't see the game but three fairly quick games put the match score on 1 all.  Won 3-0

Next was Richard Graham at three, who, it has to be said was playing probably their best player.  He covered the court well and had a very effective forehand, anything loose was convincingly put away.  Managed to watch Richard win the third 9-6, but it was not enough.  Lost 1-3.

Steve May played at 2.  Steve's demeanour on court is a bit like a man chatting to his neighbour over the garden fence while leaning on a rake – but  'relaxed'  doesn't come anywhere near it.  Steve's opponent just couldn't get into the game.  Tight serves, great shot selection, nicely weighted shots, he made it look easy.  His biggest threat was overconfidence.  But it was always under control and ran out a comfortable winner. Won 3-0.

So the match was nicely balanced at 2-2. Time for Chaps to do his stuff.  Unfortunately, he shouldn't even have been playing due to a pulled calf muscle, but had to pick himself when Harry had to drop out at the last minute.   Chances were that he would pull up half way through the second game.  And it didn't do much for our confidence when he came out with his leg covered in (very stylish) black tape.  His opponent was definitely not their No.1 - best described as scrappy and aggressive, his game plan seemed to be based on getting grumpy but fortunately he didn't seem to notice Mike trying to hide his limp.  What transpired was a masterclass in game management.  He had an awkward serve, used his reach well, didn't bother with lost causes and tried to limp as little as possible.  The gallery was nervous, could he keep it going?  The first game was close , could have gone either way, but experience showed and he won it 9-7.  The second game was surprisingly easy, his opponent was not happy and the grumpier he got, the more confident we felt.  Mike took it 9-1.  We started to believe he might be able to win if he could keep it going.  But ours fears were misplaced and he wrapped the match up winning comfortably 9-4 in the third.

So we came away with a slightly surprising 16 points to 6 win, still top of the league!!  Our opponents weren't too dismayed, they knew they would struggle but compensated by being great company over the meal.  Rivets is some club, bit like a northern workingman's club.  Good atmosphere, cheep beer and their subs are about £70 a year!! and the courts are £2.50.

Trojans,  Nike!!

Bulls v Bears

Kevin Mears writes:

After the usual pre-match banter, side bets and positioning, Captain ‘cotton eye’ Joe was first to hold court with Joanne. Much was expected from an in-form Joanne but Joe’s pace and accuracy were too much for Joanne to handle. A lapse of concentration in the 3rd gave Joanne some hope, but this was soon quashed by Joe in the 4th.3-1

Next up was Olly against Captain Kangaroo (Fielding). The first game was eventually won by Olly having defended 8 game balls. Dave came back with gusto to take the second, but his determination was never going to be enough to combat Olly’s natural flare. Captain Kangaroo was dispatched in the next 2, probably wishing that he had taken the opportunity to sit on a sun kissed beach in Rio. 3-1

Having recently been promoted to the number 1 slot, Heather had another tough week, this time against Stefan Lubek, making a welcomed return to add strength to the Bear’s squad. Having lost the previous week, Stefan was keen to prove that he remembered how to play squash and he didn’t disappoint. Heather put up a credible performance, but the rejuvenated bear was too accurate, too fit and too strong. 0-3

Mearsy and Hicksie were next to lock horns. Kev lost the knock up 9/0 with Mike timing everything to perfection. The first game was a breeze for Mike, with Kev hitting too many mid court shots which Mike put away with ease. At 8/2 it should have been Hicksie’s game but somehow Mearsy managed to scrape back to finally win it 10/9. The next 2 went Kev’s way. 3-0

Finally young Harry “Hurricane” Wyld was pitched against Chris “county champion” Gilders. With a win incentive, Harry was focused on the victory, but Chris is too fit and too experienced to capitulate. Exquisite to watch, they battled well and Harry’s killing shots were absolutely outstanding (it’s amazing what happens when one practises). With the second game at 8-7, Chris mimicked to perfection a ‘Hurricane” killer nic, to level the scores. The remaining games continued at a high pace, but Harry proved too much for his senior, narrowly winning 10/8 and 9/7. 3-1

With the win bonus the Bulls won 16-6, the Bears will have to regroup for the return match on 24th March.
The following questions remain……..
Will Heather ever shout or argue ?
Will Harry ever win 3/0 and will he ever mark a match ?
Will Kev ever be quiet on court ?
Will Captain Joe’s bar bill ever be below £100 ?
Will Olly’s body hold up for an entire season ?
Will Stefan play enough to reach his potential ?
Will Hicksie get a full night’s sleep ?
Will Gilders ever be 10 stone?
Will Joanne ever beat Egan ?
Will Captain Kangaroo win a team match ?

Finally, a massive thanks to Sponsor Maximon Solutions (Richard & Lis Monson) for our quality new team shirts.

The Bull's Skipper Joe Budweiser writes:

A couple matches further into the season after the last report/update, the Bulls experiences have been a mixed bag......

Home against RAF

A late withdrawal from the Bulls roster by Harry Wyld due to illness was unexpected, but another junior player by the same name stepped into the limelight: Harry Chapples. He went on first and played very well, taking his match on a score of 3-1. On the other court, Olly Reeves was in trouble. No matter what strategy he tried to employ, his opponent was able to match it and took the string for RAF at 3-0. All square after two strings.

Heather went on court next playing at 1 and, similar to the match against Chesham Bois Juniors, found the level of opposition a bit too strong. Quick work by her opponent set the score at 3-0 in that string, meaning Kevin and I had to both win our matches to get the team win. Fortunately, we were both up the task. Matching string scores of 3-0 for us took the Bulls over the line for the victory, if only just.

Final Result:

Beaconsfield Bulls: 9 games, 3 matches won

RAF: 7 games, 2 matches won

Overall winner: Beaconsfield Bulls

Away against Aylesbury 2

A sad tale of player availability was the order of the day for this outing. Both Heather and Kevin, two key contributors to the cause thus far this season, were unavailable for the trip. Luckily, a couple of John's (Catchpole and Bullard) were able to step in and keep up the numbers for the squad.

First on court was John Catchpole at 5 against one of the two junior players Aylesbury had on their squad. John made a game of it for the youngster, but his opponent was a bit too skilful and ended up with a 3-0 win for Aylesbury. I was playing at 2, and went on court shortly after their match started. Between my opponent Chris and I, we made quite the spectacle. Two games ended on 9-0 with one result going each way, while both of us managed to play properly for two games and split those as well. This set up a fifth game tiebreaker, which I am sad to say went to Chris in the end. Two strings to Aylesbury and not looking good for the visitors.

Harry Wyld was on court next playing at 1 and had a very amusing match against Tristan. Significant amounts of shouting and racquet throwing by Tristan provided much entertainment for the gallery on the way to a fifth game (and during that game as well). Several dubious refereeing decisions for and against both players probably balanced out in the end, as Harry calmly put match ball away with a forehand volley smash into the front left nick to win 10-9. First blood for the Bulls, would a comeback be in the cards?

John Bullard was fourth on playing at the 4 spot, and his match went much the same as the other John's. While he seemed a bit more in control and made his opponent work for everything, he wasn't able to get the win, thus putting the team match victory to Aylesbury. Olly played last and, despite his movement not quite being up to scratch, managed to pulled out a 3-1 win to provide the team was some valuable consolation points in our loss.

Final Result:

Beaconsfield Bulls: 8 games, 2 matches won

Aylesbury 2: 12 games, 3 matches won

Overall winner: Aylesbury 2

Match Report: Bulls v Chesham Bois

Bulls captain Joe Budweiser writes:

A decent showing in the first quarter had the Bulls in good spirits for the drive to Chesham Bois. Our team chauffeur for the night, Chairman Mears, made sure all passengers were comfortably looked after in his car.... a prime example of his concern for the team's wellbeing was shown by him asking, and I quote, 'Heather, is your bottom warm enough?'

Seat heating jokes aside, a tough task was ahead for the Bulls. 

Olly had managed to arrange his athletic activity schedule such that he was playing football in Harrow earlier in the evening (thus missing out on Kevin's transport generosity). He managed to scrape a game from his opponent and looked the more skillful player, but the level of fitness required to push through for a match win was too high. First loss of the evening at 1-3, so not a good start.

Heather was on next playing at 1 in the new ranking order, and the pace of play quickly got to her. Some slight adjustments for the second and third game made things closer, but she never really found the required consistency to take a game. A 0-3 loss, two matches to Chesham. 

Harry Wyld had started on court during Heather's match, and provided a much needed dose of 'winning' to the effort. His opponent seemed to have every trick shot in the bag, but Harry took it all in stride to find himself on the end of a 3-1 win.

I was next on court, playing an opponent even taller than myself. I seemed to have the measure of him most of the time, but mental lapses in the second and third games allowed him to take the lead in the match. Fortunately, I collected things and brought it back to win the string at 3-2, bringing the overall team match score level at 2-2.

Last on was Kev (would you expect any less?), playing in the third spot. Knowing his ability to just mentally 'will' a match win, I felt sure that the overall result would be ours. Unfortunately, the first two games were a bit of a disaster, with Kevin unable to really find any sort of rhythm. He managed to completely turn things around in the third and fourth games, playing absolutely brilliant low cross courts and tight lengths to set up a deciding fifth game. But, the Squash Gods decided it was not to be, with his opponent recovering from Kevin's comeback and neatly winning the fifth game to put the match away for Chesham Bois.

Final match score:

Beaconsfield Bulls: 9 games, 2 matches won

Chesham Bois Juniors: 12 games, 3 matches wonOverall winner: Chesham Bois Juniors

Bulls: The Season Thus Far

Bull's skipper Joe Budweiser writes:

This season's first quarter results for the Bulls went as follows:

Match 1 - Away against Holmer Green 2; Win, 17-7
Match 2 - Home against Chesham Bois Seniors, Win, 16-10
Match 3 - Home against Wycombe 2; Loss, 9-16

The Bulls team players during the quarter were as follows:

Toby Johnson
Kevin Mears
Heather Joy
Joe Budzynski (sp?)
Dan Joy
Harry Wyld (sp?)
Harry Chapples

Some notable individual performances, especially from young Harry Wyld. He has quickly acclimated to team squash with the Bulls, and it's probably only a matter of time before he is playing in Division 1. The award for longest match this quarter goes to Chairman Mears against Phil Cornhill of Chesham Bois, with one that lasted somewhere between 80 and 90 minutes. Unfortunately he didn't come out the winner but it was a great match to mark and witness.

As regards to table position, two wins and a total of 42 points means the Bulls should end the quarter at second in the division. A decent start, but still a long way to go. Looking forward to the next quarter which includes an all-important intraclub match against the Bears.

Tigers v Aylesbury 1 and Chesham Bois 1B

Tigers skipper Gareth Ashington writes:

The Tigers just managed to avoid relegation last season and in the pre- season Mike McLaughlin moved over to the Lions and we welcomed my second favourite Kiwi, Mr Paul Boyle ☺ Paul brought with him the very fit Liam Radley who plays with Paul at the Marlow Club and suddenly it didn’t feel like we would be like the whipping boys of Div 1.

First match was v Aylesbury 1

Paul v Tom Phipps – Paul had popped both calves just days before and therefore it was painful for him and painful to watch him hold back. 3-0 to Tom

Liam v Ian McGowan – everyone loves to beat a Scot and Ian managed to get 5 points as Liam was too fit, too young and patient. Ian looked knackered. 3-0 Liam

Dan v Simon Townsend – 3-1 to Dan. Simon took the first but from 2nd game on Dan was in control.

Jimmy v Tristan – Tristan is different! More on that later. Jimmy should have lost the first but sneaked it 10-9 and then was comfortable.

Gareth v Dave Heron – Tristan marked and I think at the business end of one of the games called me for a foot fault! Other strange decisions followed. I should have won but lost 7-9 in the fifth. 15 minutes later Dave was smoking his electric cigarette!

Good result, 15-7 to Tigers.

Tigers v CB1B – last night. 

I dropped myself and we won 5-0 and 19-5. Paul and Dave both won 3-0 against Phil Taylor and James Rearson and Liam beat Steve Sieff 3-1. I hear that Steve played at 2 in Div 2 last year and is now at 2 in Div 1. Jimmy was 2-1 down before managing to claw back to win 3-2.
Dan is Dan as we all know and nothing has changed. He played last with everyone watching him, just as he likes it. He started slowly and lost the first 2 games. I think you know what comes next! Well thank god for the PAR scoring system to 11! Dan played well and managed a 3-2 win.

Berks Summer League: Royal Berks ends v Trojans

Joe Budweiser writes:

The Trojans were off to their first away match of the campaign, travelling to Bracknell for a visit at the Royal Berkshire Health and Racquets Club. A very nice facility one must admit....

First on was Guy Plunkett, who quickly found the quality of opponent higher than his previous match. Down 0-2 in short order, he did manage to make a game of it in the third but alas could not keep up the pressure on his opponent. First match to Royal Berkshire. Playing his inaugural match for the Trojans, John Ashington experienced a similar result on the neighbouring court. His opponent's mid-court drops and ability to chase down length was the difference. Second match to Royal Berkshire.

The third match was to be played by Andy Wright, who made several appearances last summer for the Trojans. He had also volunteered as team chauffeur for the evening, a task not many sign up for and even doubly surprising as I had offered to do so! Driving to Bracknell clearly took a toll on his performance, as he was blanked 0-3 in the same manner as John and Guy.

This left myself playing at 2 and Olly Reeves at 1 with the task of getting some measure of points out of the evening.  Alas, it was not to be. We each put up a fight and at times seemed like we may get some momentum going, but the short version is both our matches ended on scores of 1-3 to the hosts.

A bit of a squad rethink will need to occur before the next match, as the Berkshire Summer League is proving a challenging environment for the Trojans....

Final score:

Beaconsfield Trojans: 2 games, 0 matches won

Royal Berkshire 2nds: 15 games, 5 matches won

Overall winner: Royal Berkshire 2nds

Match Report: Berks Summer League: Trojans v Greenacre 2nds

Match Report by Joe Budweiser:

The team was hopeful for a flying start, having consolidated two teams from last year's summer league and moving up into the Berkshire's third division.....onto the match.

First up, Guy Plunkett found himself down 0-2 in games before changing tactics and powering his way to a third game win. However, all that extra power used up any reserve energy he would need for the fourth game, leaving Beaconsfield with a 1-3 loss in the first match. Next, John Bullard drew the unfortunate circumstance of playing a current Scotland Masters team member, but fought well. Regrettably, he was similarly dispatched on a scoreline of 1-3.

Not looking good for the Trojans, team match score showing 0-2 after the first two matches.

I was on court next, putting in a reasonable performance for the first game only to capitulate at 7-9. I then lost my way and proceeded to only score six points in the next two games. Do the maths and you find that you can't win games much less matches by doing that. Overall team match to Greenacre 2nds at this point. Alex Speculand had a similar result in his match, losing a very tight first game 8-10 and then also yielding games two and three for a match score of 0-3.

Down 0-4 in matches, Phil Alexander was the team's last hope for some points and to retain a (small) bit of pride. And what a hope it was....Phil turned out an entertaining and whiteknuckle performance, sending his opponent the wrong way more times than I care to count. The match see-sawed with Phil winning the first and then the fourth to force a fifth game. Experience then ruled the day, as the crowd saw Phil take a very solid fifth game victory (completed with a nick for the final point!) to win his match and prevent a complete sweep by the visitors.

Final score:

Beaconsfield Trojans: 5 games, 1 match won
Greenacre 2nds: 14 games, 4 matches won

Overall winner: Greenacre 2nds

Bulls v Holmer Green

Jim Cooper writes:

Apologies for the delay in reporting the outcome of last night’s match Bulls vs Homer Green. My day got off to a bad start with the A4 being turned into a car park for 2.5 hours this morning and I haven’t caught up!

Ian’s squad rotation paid huge dividends and in my opinion was rewarded with one of the best Bulls’ performances of the year.

First up Trevor ‘Sassoon’ Jones vs Trevor Howes. Trev’s been a bit of a super-sub this year. Normally we’re left guessing whether we’ll see the hairdressing nonce, or the artist of old, with flashes of poetic genius. Despite a wobble in the 3^rd Trev dispatched his man comfortably 3:1. Verdict: it was all Siegfried, no Vidal!

Meanwhile I was marking Olly vs Darren Thompson. Mark Mellott refused to mark them since he thought there was a high probability of this one “kicking off”. Now what could have made him think that! In reality they were no bother at all. This is comfortably the best I’ve seen Olly play for years. Moving well and hitting the ball really crisply. Despite a tough first game and some good running from Daren, Olly strolled home 3:0. He’s back!

Ches the Python Bhola was on the other court vs Mick Baker, who looks a bit like Sam the Eagle from the Muppets. Ches got off to a slow start losing the first 9:4 but won the next 2 relatively easily. Mick replied by winning the 4th setting up a decider. Now anybody who knows Ches will know there’s f*ck-all chance of him giving an inch and our man of steel duly delivered by taking the last 9:6. This was another great, hard-fought win, against a useful opponent. 3:2.

Chairman Kev, playing at one, was matched against Mark Mellott. Now Mark might not have the most sophisticated game and nobody is going to call him a shot-maker but he’s effective and seemingly tireless. The first 4 games seesawed back and forth, with Kev worryingly losing the 4^th 9:1 but Kev gave himself a stern talking to and upped the pace and endeavour in the 5^th. We all know the strength of Kev’s drop but I don’t think I’ve ever seen him play it better, or to such effect. Mark knew it was coming but they were just too tight. Kev took the 5^th 9:7 in what was a great game played in good spirit. 3:2

That left Harry vs Ross Baker as the last match of the night. Ross would normally play one I think but has dropped down to two following an injury earlier in the year. He’s a few pound heavier but still a quality player. Ross won the first 2 games 9:4, 9:2 but the games were tighter than the scores suggest. Harry played a good 4^th taking it 9:7. Ross got to match point in the 4^th at 8:4 but Harry dug-in and at 8:6 Ross took a nasty tumble and was looking shaky but finally managed to squeeze it out 10:9. 3:2.

So overall the Bulls won 17:8 and everyone played great. Well done boys, I was proud of you.

Jim

Bulls Beat Chesham Wrinklies

Chesham Bois Wrinklies visited the club last week.

As you can see, Matron is still in Majorca so they were forced to drive themselves... they weren't happy.

Kevin Mears put pen to paper to tell this tale (actually dictated this to young Michael Mears; the family's only 'writer').

Bulls v Chesham Old Boys

Following our narrow victory at the end of December against the Old Boys, it was our turn to host the return leg. 

The Bulls were rather plump after many celebrations over the festive period and looked more like hopefuls for the next Telly Tubby film, rather than a team of finely tuned athletes.

First up was our Toby, at the time undefeated in the first division.  It was always going to be a tough match against Phil Cornhill and it turned out to become a magnificent match with Toby narrowing winning the first 10/9, losing the next two, coming back with lovely touch and reactions to win the 4^th but finally running out of steam in the 5^th. 2-3

Next was Olly, who faced Aubrey.  Aubrey is never an easy to play against and Olly was unable to hit a decent length.  This put Aubrey in his comfort zone and was therefore able to control the match. 0-3

I went on against Richard and unfortunately for Richard, his hips gave way in the second game so he conceded and will hopefully return in a few weeks. 0-3

At 2-1 down the bulls were not looking confident.  Harry was up against the formidable and unorthodox Bob Ballingall, who had completely destroyed Jim in the last match (sorry to remind you Jim).  Telephone calls were exchanged and Monkey Boy played really well and sensibly.  That said, he was 2/1 down and 8 all and the result could have been so different had he not dug in and battled for each rally.  He won the 4^th 10 – 8 and fortunately had enough energy to win the 5^th with relative ease 3-2.  This was surely to be the match of the night

With everything poised at 2-2 up stepped our captain the Piggy who faced the bionic Steve Lewis.  This was Steve’s debut match for Chesham Bois following a break of c35 years.  The two contrasting styles was a joy to watch although both players looked totally exasperated at many and different times throughout this epic and gruelling match (welcome to Bucks squash Steve).  Ian fought so well to win this match and deserves the man of the match trophy.  The final game went down to the wire with Steve unable to close out the game and Ian finally piping him to the post 10/9 in the 5^th .   A fantastic result and great end to the first match of the season.  3-2

Footnote: If you are a 'CB Wrinkly' and are reading this, one of your group left a wallet in the changing room. No name or money inside, but you might recognise your loss by these photos found within... perhaps reminders of former glories and victories?

Please call the club to claim. 
If our receptionist asks who you are... ask Matron, she'll remind you.

Trojans: Half Term Report

Special awards/thanks/mentions go to:

Team members present at the WSRC/Booker away match, where we managed to ring up enough of a bar tab that WSRC has threatened they are taking a mini-bus to Beaconsfield for the return leg!
All those who acted as my driver to/from matches; both home and away.
Captain Chapples for subsidizing the team's home match bar tab thus far....although we suspect a 'final invoice' at end of season to compensate him will be forthcoming.
Joe Budzynski 

Tigers Update

Dan Fernandez writes:

As Gazza recently seems to be spending more time renting/moving house or travelling overseas than playing squash, the required team capt role of writing up match reports is sporadic to say the least.
So another batch of match reports across Dec.

GX v Tigers
The week after playing GX we played them away. Another import came in at no2, Nev, who was a much better player than the previous ringer Steve. Mike tucked up Trevor Loran in minutes. Jonny won in 5 v Nev who ran out of gas despite nice racket work. Trying to repeat my win v Andy Peers l pulled my back badly and went down 0-3. Chris lost 0-3 to Mile Burnett as did Gareth who didn't know where to turn v Heff. So 2-3 loss

CB1B v Tigers
A tricky fixture v bottom team who had strengthened with Darren Withey at 1 but Jonny was off watching spurs so a tight match entailed.
Mike was just too sharp for Darren 3-0.
Despite Priya's expert hands l was only able to hobble about even more slowly than normal and lost in 4 to Mike Thorpe. Gareth had a good run v spiky haired Simon but was too predictable 1-3. Chris G had a close match v his nemesis Neil Hinds who he has only beaten a handful of times in 25 years. From 0-2, he dug in, got to the 5th but just couldn't pull it off. Dave Powell stepped in at 5 and was too classy for Rob Ely 3-1

HG v Tigers
In theory a weaker Tigers played the high flying HG this week but the depth of talent within the club shone thru for a famous win.
Mike McL took on Alex Hartley and on a cold court the boasts were quite working and the ball was dying in the back. At 0-2 down Mike informed us he'd had the lurgy so we were unsure how the match would pan out. We needn't have worried as he controlled the next 3 with lovely weight of shot and control to win 3-2.
Meanwhile Jonny was involved in a hackathon on next court with Tor. Going 1-2 down and looking fragile JM listened to advice from the balcony to hit better length and attack and won 3-2.
Brakes were then put on our progress as the Pig playing a chippy youngster who wound Olly up last week lost in 3 and l was out run by James Harley.
So match was all in the hands of the recently 'retired' Dave Powell up against Oz. Dave started well and just continued playing flawless squash not letting his larger opponent get a sniff 3-0. I wont spoil Dave's win by saying Oz had a bad back and had already played earlier that evening but you can only play whats in front of you...  Score 13-10.

Bulls v Chesham Wrinklies

Captain Piggin's match report: 

We played some squash against some old chaps.  
- I lost to a young chap who was bald and thereby qualified for their team.  
- Jim had a sorrowful experience against Rob who made him look a bit silly really (no offence Jim).  
- Olly beat an old man.  
- Harry almost lost to a very old man, but managed to scrape through thereby preserving his proud “I only lose to girls” victory chant.  
- Kev beat Tristan Farley Wotsit, which clinched the match for us.  
We then reminisced about how we much we missed Trev, although reflecting that we may have lost the match overall if he had played.  
Swings and Roundabouts, etc.

Tigers Match Report

Dan Fernandez writes: 

In the unlikelihood of Gareth finding a pen as he moves house, I dusted off the keyboard and jotted down a few comments on the Tigers season so far:

The team of Mike 'Real McCoy' McLaughlin; Jonny 'running machine' Machin; Adam Pyne (when fit); Dan Dare; Gazza and Chris 'Rhino' Gildersleve have settled in to the season well, turning out regularly, playing some good squash and building a good team spirit.
We started off the season at the end Sept with an expected win over the relatively weak Chesham 1B , followed up by a great victory over a strong Holmer Green side with top performances by Mike, Jonny & Chris. Next up we had a feisty battle (1-4 defeat) with the Lions who have hardly taken the 'split strength' ideal to heart (Treadwell at no4!). This was followed by a 2-3 defeat to a super strong Aylesbury team (both Phipps + Marshall at 1 + 2), however, Mike was 2-0 and 5-1 up v Tom and Gazza pulled off his best victory to date beating Ian McGowan from 0-2 down.
End Oct before a 3 week break we played current champs Chesham 1A and an upset was on the cards as Mike and Jonny won (JM beating the improved Sam Pothecary in 5). However the 'senior' members of the team at 3,4,5 didn't cut the mustard, unfortunately all losing comfortably.
So bringing readers up to date, this week we played GX who have started poorly but 'strengthened' by bringing in SWright at 2 for his 1st match. At no1 Mike v Trev Loran was played early with the McCoy winning comfortably 3-1. At 2 Jonny tucked up S Wright in 20mins. Despite being tall he was so out of ranking order playing that high up he had vertigo. At 3 I had a thriller with Andy Peers. Never having beaten him before and off the back of an inter-county weekend I was feeling good and in a ding dong match of me hitting winning shots only to see his younger legs return them with interest we ended up at 2-2 with my hamstring on fire. Despite the pain I managed to dig in to win the 5th. Gazza at 4 had a tough ask v Hefferman and despite a good performance in 1st never got on top of Heffs deceptive forehand pushing him into back corners, going down in 3. At 5 Rhino was in a battle royale v the rejuvenated Mike Burnett who on form should be higher up order (a consistent GX theme!) having beaten CK 3-0 last week. After an hour+ they were 2-2. We all hoped after a long weekend away with Mrs G, that Chris had some lead left in his pencil to claim a famous win, however, despite long rallies the points went the other way.
So a good team win 3-2/15-9 putting us firmly mid-table with a record P6 W3 L3.
Its a shame the club management despite requests don't seem to be able to promote the forthcoming team matches as a few more faces on the balcony cheering the home teams on would be welcome.

Raging Bulls v Chesham Juniors

Kevin Mears writes:

Having been narrowly defeated by The Bears last week, The Bulls regrouped and were determined to return from their first visit to Chesham Bois with a handsome victory.

With Captain Pig having a business meeting (at the 02 arena watching tennis), the services of 1^st division undefeated Magic Johnson were called upon.  With Seb at two and Olly returning at 5, what could possibly go wrong against some fresh faced ‘juniors’ from Chesham Bois?

First up was Olly: Looking somewhat lacklustre in the first, Olly and Peter Stevenson traded games until the 5th, when Olly’s experience and flare brought him to a comfortable victory.
Welcome back Olly to your winning ways.
3/2

Jim played Simon Clark. While Jim beat Simon last season, Jim never got out of the starting blocks, whereas Simon was energetic, accurate and ultimately unstoppable.
0/3

Kev played Tom Ormiston. Rather similar to Jim’s match, Kev never got going and was extinguished by Tom’s unorthodox style.
0/3

All was not lost with victories needed from Seb and Toby, both more junior than the youngest junior from the Juniors.

Seb dropped the first two games against Andy Piper and after a pep talk from Jim, returned to win the 3rd. Alas, Andy’s form returned and his accuracy and reach was ultimately too much for Seb.
1/3

Finally an in-form Toby stepped up to provide the Bulls with an exhibition of first division squash. Toby’s fitness training, coaching and first division experience has resulted in him being undefeated this season. Surely returning to division 2 would be a breeze for our Magic. The first went according to plan 9/1. Peter East is however no push over and his mixture of fitness, accuracy and reach were more than Toby had bargained on. Trailing 1/2 Toby dug deep and won the 4th 9/0. Surely this would now be a victory for our Magic. Sadly, this was not the Bull’s night and having squandered a couple of match balls at 8/6, Peter never gave up and secured a solid victory over a startled Toby.
2/3

The top of division 1 table shows the Bulls 1st with 75 points, Bears 2nd with 75 points and Farnham Common 3rd with 73 points. This is however flattering, since all other teams in the division have played less matches.

Tigers go toe to toe with The Vale

Chris Gildersleve writes:

We hosted Aylesbury 1st team who it has to be said rather rudely turned up with two number ones!
So Running Machin(e) cheerily went on 1st against Matt and proceeded to run to all 4 corners of the court. As the match went on Matt rather unkindly would send him to one corner before despatching the ball to another, Johnny would oblige him with by running to where he was convinced the ball was going to go before doubling back to where it finally went. He looked mightily relived the match finished so quickly. 0-3
Meanwhile the crowds were building on Ct4 as our Real McCoy's big test against the force that is Phippsy. High octane stuff indeed it was with a hard fought 1st going our way and an even more convincing 2nd. The crowd were rubbing their hands when a healthy 4-0 lead was looking like a landmark victory but Thomas dug into his deep pool of experience and cleared the 1st hurdle. Mike had lost his momentum as Tom squared the match as Mike's trade mark "error free" squash was deserting him. This was a very competitive game but not to go to the good guys. 2-3
Dan Dare showed up at the customary 8:30 slot only to complain that he had to mark me (Rhino) and Simon Townsend rather than watch the climax to Mike & Tom, sh*t happens. The season so far for me has been renewing old rivalries and Simon and I go back some 30 years!  He came out of the blocks well and no surprises I lost the 1st but thankfully not to cheaply. With the beautiful game being exploited on Ct 4 this was a contrast of extremes but the uglier it got the better I faired. So ugly it stayed and our 1st win of the night was posted. 3-1
Ashers took on Ian McGowan who in my day was at 1 until Tom grew up but has always had a gritty game. Ashers came in the changing room 2 nil down declaring himself not fit enough to play at this level. I reminded him that there was no way the Ian takes on any the the outrageously stupid court routines he put himself through regularly and that he should use this to his advantage, he left shaking his head. I went and got a beer (my new found training aid) to get back up to see he was now 2-2! Ian does not lie down easily and the work rate Ashers was putting in was considerable but he proved up to the challenge and posted his best scalp to date. 3-2
With Sick Note sending in his note. Dan Dare moved up to 3. Once again on last once again the match all level. Sam Hales is fitter and faster than Dan and has considerably more hair. When someone consistently picks up your best shots the temptation is to try and hit an even better one, this usually brings the tin into play and that was the story of the 1st two games. Not looking good at all for the good guys. On the basis that my pep talk to Asher's was responsible for his win downstairs I ventured to impart more wisdom, patience Dan wait for the openings to come. He gets the 3rd. Down I go again "keep it going the pace is good" Dan looked at me and then at the Defibrillator. It was not to be, Sam's engine had more horses so no fairytale ending. 1-3.
Still 9 points against this lot is no disgrace, Mike was close to pulling it off and Gareth got a great win. Next Chesham Bois and more thankfully no Curry.
Clearly embarrassed by this oversight caused simply by their No.5 pulling out last minute and rather than doing the honourable thing and finding some lowly 3rd team replacement opted without shame to bring Matt Marshall along with Thomas Phipps to enjoy our Curry. I cannot help thinking that a homemade bowl of unidentifiable meat and gravy along with some boiled to bits vegetables ( I wonder how Pauline is doing?) may well have been to our advantage. Hey Ho! 

x

Bulls v Booker (away) 19/3/2013

'Squeaky bum time' I believe they call it.
With two matches to play The Brave Bulls were in a dog fight with 2 or three other teams for the dreaded drop. Nobody wants demotion, particularly when you're fated with away trips to the far reaches of the county; Milton Keynes or Buckingham anybody?
We were also aware that two of the Chesham Bois teams (Upstarts & Seniors) were in the doo doo with us, but were playing Chesham Bois Juniors (safe and indifferent) in their last matches. We respect them as honorable foe but recognize that survival sometimes brings out man's baser instincts. So, we needed to take the bit between our teeth and be masters of our own destiny: win the last two matches handsomely and cast care to the wind.
The first step of the final step was some ruthless captaincy; cutting loose the dross. As part of the cull The Python, when he came out with his customary opening gambit: 'but Tuesday's my shagging night' was told to go forth and shag. I received no such notice, nothing but a dusty silence when this team's selection was discussed at last week's apres match meal. There was much whispering... Being dropped for a Camel and a Rhino is almost as demoralizing as being told by Big Bird that I am the '320th most shaggable totty in the club'; shortly followed by Tracey revealing to me that, for her, I was the '2nd most loathsome member of the club'. The only pleasure in that conversation was when she revealed who was more loathsome than me... But 320th most shaggable? Nic Manley's at 250 for christ's sake! The only relief is the knowledge that Lisa likes 'ugly blokes with big c*cks' so... one out of two should surely see me in the top 200. No?
Anyway, I digress. The team that pitched up was not pretty but fit for purpose:
Koala (just back from a ski trip that saw him dancing naked with a bellyful of the black stuff)
Pig (just back from Cyprus and more concerned with the math than the match)
Chicken (preoccupied with completing his daughter's science homework online)
Rhino (devoid of talent and form but at least consistent... renamed Guilder Christ; our saviour)
Camel (dressed like a bag man preparing to sleep under Waterloo bridge; with a demeanor that is the opposite of 'a coiled spring'.)
They weren't exactly going to put the fear of God into Booker but, blimey, they were sure to get pity.
I was there as photographer and correspondent.
This is what I saw:

First up was The Camel.
He huffed and he puffed and blew out any match plan that his opponent might have had; effectively delivering the ball to his helpless opponent with rigor mortis.
His helpless opponent Don Westerman was new to us all and apparently he is 'very good at basketball'...
Just as well for the Camel that...
3-0



On the other court Jim was up against Tim Bark-Jones. 
Tim wanders around court like an old man in a library; he kept venturing to the dusty corners only to seemingly foget why he'd gone there. Perhaps a return to the T would jog his memory. There were the odd moments of lucidity when he shot from the hip to force some devastating short winners but generally his body language articulated his performance. Jim just needed to stay awake to convert the points and did so admirably.
3-0

Then came the the Rhino. Chris has been heard wailing to himself in the changing rooms "I'm not a rhino, I'm a man'. Photographic evidence seems to suggest that he may have a point...
He warmed up by playing with an imaginary ball and I must say that it's the best I've seem of him lately. He looked full of purpose and his (imaginary) timing was faultless. Things wobbled a bit upon the introduction of a ball and an opponent, Duncan Swallow (who was later to disgrace himself by not offering the team's support staff (me) beer.) Chris's commitment to the rally was more than Dunc could cope with so he took to doing Mr Bean impressions...
3-0

Meanwhile the Koala was on the other court taking on their number one, a pugnacious Mark Brown. Mearsy had no chance did he? He was still reeking of the weekend's indulgences and carrying around a barrelful of unpissed belly beer. He was dispatched with ease in the first game but then the little emperor dug in, his drops found the nicks, his lobs became inch perfect and he took the 2nd with ease. At 7-6 up in the 3rd the look on his face was priceless: he was a little more engaged than he'd anticipated and there was nowt left in the tank. The wheels came flying off and Mark relentlessly but mercifully put Napoleon out of his misery. Still, a vital point at number one, normally a desert for us.
1-3

Last up was our skipper. Now playing at 2 The Pig has been finally enjoying team life. A season at number 1 as 'team punch bag' was starting to test even Ian's resolve. So, after a week of sunbathing in Cyprus we found him rejuvinated but agin talented opposition. 'Gorgeous' George Goodchild and Ian went toe to toe and produced the match of the evening. The rallies were long and testing and eventually took their toll on both players; George was moving further and further back, Pig was tinning more and more drops. At one all George's error count was rising and it seemed that Ian might prevail, but Booker's Babe reined himself in and finally overcame our brave but knackered Pig.
1-3

Meantime, The Chicken and The Rhino have asked me use this forum to scotch rumors once and for all that they are involved in a gay relationship. This has led to many unkind 'what do you get if you cross a chicken with a rhino?' type jibes. They have also informed me that their latest 'charge' Quentin is not an offspring but actually adopted. They're considering boarding school to keep 'Q' with their other little ones, but simply cannot come to an agreement. One of them is thick skinned, the other doesn't want to put all of his eggs in the same basket...

Back to the squash: one game to go; the wretched Buckingham at home.
We need to fill our boots.
We look forward to chastising them on their late arrival and imposing the 'one beer only' rule.
Whilst I was grateful for the scrapings last night (a tasty curry) it seems that Duncan Disorderly has adopted that code for Booker too... Is 'Swallow' really his surname?
Finally, Gazza has asked me to share this link with you.
It's about a girl who pretended to be a boy to succeed at squash.
I can't work out if he's taking the piss out of me or Sam Muller...