Back Pages: Turds v GX2 19/12/2006

About this time 5 years ago...

19/12/06 
Turds v GX2

Won 4-1 (18-6) Excellent, gutsy performance.
I’ve been criticised for being too harsh/critical/rude to my boys in the team write ups. 

So, before my new years resolution kicks in...

St John (Won 3-1)

Solid

Two racketball players were standing at the bar, one said to the other : 

"You know, squash players are such ar*eholes!" 

St John walked up to them and with a mad look on his face said : 

"I find that statement offensive!"

One of the racketball players replied : "Oh, you must be a squash player."

"No" St John repied : "I'm an ar*ehole!"

Steve (Kinsella) (Lost 2-3)

Energetic

Spend that £10 wisely! No sour grapes but:

I hear they are getting rid of Freddy Flintoff as England cricket captain and appointing Paula Yates in his place? 
Well who else has had such experience of f*cking the Aussies and bringing back the ashes.

What does an Aussie use for contraception? 

His personality!!!

What do you call an Aussie with half a brain? 

Gifted.

What do you call an Australian riding a bike? 

A dope pedaler.

And… God wanted Jesus to be born in Australia, but he couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Trev (3-0)

Magnifique

Jim (3-2)

Gutsy

What's the difference between an ape, an orphan, a prince, and Jim Cooper? 

An ape has a hairy parent, an orphan has nary a parent, a prince is an heir apparent, and Jim has...
no hair apparent.

Richard (3-0)

Robust

Richard decides that he needs to get into shape so he makes an appointment with Priya who asked him if he could do the splits. 

'Of course I can't', Richard answered. 

'How flexible are you?' she asked. 

He replied 'Well, I can't do Tuesdays.'

They also served:

Quasimodo is sat in his study and once again is feeling depressed about how ugly he is. Looking for some reassurance, he goes in search of Esmerelda. When he finds her he asks her once again if he really is the ugliest man alive.

 Esmerelda sighs and says "Look, why don't you go upstairs and ask the magic mirror who is the ugliest man alive? The mirror will answer your question once and for all" 

About five minutes later a very pleased looking Quasimodo bounced back back the stairs and gave Esmerelda a great big hug. 

"Well it worked" Quasmido beamed, "But who the f*ck is Willie Kirk Patrick?"

I wouldn’t say Kevin was short, but his feet are on his passport photo, which reminds me:                          

I was standing at the urinal after my latest victory when I noticed that I was being watched by Mearsy. Although the little fellow stared at me intently, I didn’t get uncomfortable when he dragged a small stepladder up next to me, climbed it, and proceeded to admire my privates at close range. "Wow," commented TLKM, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

 Surprised and flattered, I thanked him and started to move away. 

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," said Kev, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?" 

I was rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it  obliged the request.

 Kevin reached out, got a tight grip on my crown jewels, and said, "Okay, keep that result to yourself or I'll jump off the ladder!"

Our lovely club secretary Chris went to John Bullard’s Wycombe pile and knocked on the door. 

Upon opening it she said "Hi I am your birthday present." 

He responded, "What am I supposed to do with you?" 

"I'm all yours for super sex", she answers. 

He replies: "Well I am nearly 70 years old so... I’ll have the soup!”

Later, Bullard was standing at the bar, observing young Asley’s orange, green, and blue spiked hair. After a few moments, Ashley man said, "what's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?" John smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son."

Stefan is developing fast. He wet into a drug store to buy his first ever condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of three, nine or 12 and asks which Stef wants. "Well", he said in his best deep voice, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12-pack." Young Lubek makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!"

Tim Westall is involved in a smash up on the M40. As the police patrolman approached the accident site, he found that the entire side of the BMW had been ripped away, taking with it the driver's arm. Tim, obviously in shock, kept moaning, "My car, my car," as the officer tried to comfort him. "Sir," the cop said gently, "I think we should be more concerned about your arm than your car." Tim looked down to where his arm should have been, then screamed, "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

Roger and Olly are both at John Lewis’s shopping for their wives Christmas presents. 

Olly says to the Roger, "What did you get your wife this year?" 

Roger replies: "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." 

Olly says, "Why'd you get her both?" 

Roger says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy." 

Olly says, "O.K. That works." 

Roger asks, "Well what did you get your ex wife?" 

Olly says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." 

Rog says, "So, why'd you get her both a pair of slippers and a dildo?" 

Olly replies "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself!"

A crusty old man walks into Gareth Ashington’s Estate Agency and says to a female agent, "I want to sell my god damn house." To which the astonished female agent replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, dimwit. I said I want to sell my f*c*ing house!" "I'm very sorry sir,” she says “but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this office." So saying, the agent goes over to Gareth to tell him about her situation. They both return and Gareth asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem," the man says, "I want to sell my f*c*ing million dollar home."   "I see," says Gareth, "and this b*tch is giving you a hard time?

And for Mark Vickery:

Why do Welsh horses run so fast? 
Because they have seen what the farmers do to the sheep!

What do you call a Welsh farmer with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other? 
Bisexual!

What is the one thing that you can't get in Wales? 
Virgin wool!

And a seasonal joke, just for Mark:

Roedd bachgen bach o'r enw Dewi yn cerdded trwy ei bentref, yn bownsio pe+l i'r geiriau: "B*****d Saeson prynu tai! B*****d Saeson prynu tai!"Wel, pan aeth Dewi heibio'r capel, dal yn canu "B*****d Saeson prynu tai!", daeth y gweinidog mas. "Dewi, paid a+ ddweud pethau fel 'na - pechod mawr yw e!" dywedodd e. "Mewn lle, dylet ti ddweud rhywbeth fel 'Iesu Grist cafodd ei eni mewn stabal.'"Yn awyddus i foddhau, sgipiodd Dewi i ffwrdd, yn bownsio'i be+l ac yn canu "Iesu Grist cafodd ei eni mewn stabal! Iesu Grist cafodd ei eni mewn stabal!"Pan aeth Dewi tua'r capel eto, roedd e'n dal yn canu: "Iesu Grist cafodd ei eni mewn stabal!" Felly dywedodd y gweinidog iddo fe, "Da iawn, Dewi! Nawr, wyt ti'n gwybod pam cafodd Iesu Grist ei eni mewn stabal?"Meddyliodd Dewi am foment, ac wedyn dywedodd: "B*****d Saeson prynu tai!"

Well Done this first half Gents!

Prepare for the big push

Merry Xmas to all!

TrevXX

Back Pages: Xmas Carol Special: Turds v Gerrards 'Very' Cross (31/11/2006)

From: 31/11/2006

Becky 3 v GX 1 Lost 2-3 (6-13)

St John has just informed me that he can't play next week as he has "got to go to Carol Singing" (for Christ's sake!) so......

St John (Lost 0-3)

(to the tune of 'Silent Night')

St John was sh*te, St John was sh*te

Moved around like Barry White

Come on Sturgeon, you big Ginger Tom

You want the cream but your boll*cks have gone!

Keep him Kevin, please keep him

Keep him O Kevin, please keep him

AND, started but couldn't finish: (to the tune of 'The Little Drummer Boy')

Christ Almighty,

barapapum pum

That's not a 'blow-up'

it's his bububum bum......

Gareth (Lost 0-3)

(to the tune of 'Away in a Manger')

Though form is a stranger, no need for concern

We all know that Gareth's finesse will return

We love his 'return' stance, his head band is cool

And thank Christ for someone who knows half the rules

Trevor (won 3-0)

(To be sung to me, whilst lying at my feet and to the tune of 'Twinkle twinkle little star')

Twinkle twinkle little star

Now we know how great You are

Like a God (who comes from Greece)

Your sporting wonders never cease

You're our Saviour, hear our prayer

Praise be to He of perfect hair

Steve (Won 3-0)

(to the tune of 'Good King Wenceslas')

Sledging's senseless, there's no rest, he's a beast, is Steven

(Though his squash was pizzaesque: deep and crisp and even)

Brightly shone his smirk that night (grinning like a fooool)

The Poms were in the deep end, he

Was p*ssing in the poooool

Roger (Lost 0-3)

(to the tune of 'Little Donkey')

Little Roger little Roger on a dusty court

Playing like a little donkey (lucky to get nought!)

"Show me that rule book now! Not a stroke! Not a stroke!

Christ, Damn and Holy Cow. Not a stroke! Not a stroke!

Playing like a little donkey, guess he knows his fate:

The 'Knackers Yard of Sporting Giants'

Courtney-Luck awaits!

Coming next week: a Rock Opera on the glorys of team meals entitled "Food Glorious Food, We're Anxious To Try It" (only joking Allan!) and a lecture by the late Kevin Mears on the difficulties of timekeeping in the modern world, entitled "Sorry seems to be the hardest word".

(...there is no game next week, but don't tell the Sturgeon!)

Trev X

Back Pages: Turds v Chesham 1879 24/10/2006

Hard to believe that these 'Back Pages' are from 5 years ago.

Time flies but nothing changes...

24/10/2006

Turds v Chesham 1879 (Away)

Lost 3-2 (15-8)

With WKP as navigator (he was a pilot!) we managed to visit every sporting facility in Chesham (actually signing liability waivers at one fitness centre afore the penny dropped!) before arriving at the venue late (for a definition of 'late', please see 'Kevin Mears/Phil Payne')

therefore unable to rally troops, do the hakka etc.

Gareth Ashington (0-3)

Great to have Gareth back. I know we're all mindful of his son's recent illness, and we all wish the family good luck & good health.

With St John's late withdrawal (see footnote) and the match scores poised at 2-2, what was intended as a gentle re-introduction to planet squash became a dog fight. Gareth's game was up to it, his legs

weren't. A couple of sharpeners (see Roger Taylor) should see him right.

Match Rating: A 'Large Tonic'

Trevor Jones (0-3)

A bit of a passenger I'm afraid, even the on court banter, against a slightly unhinged Sam, was a bit flat. No legs, no head, no drop shot, no chance!

Match Rating: A very weak (headless) 'Bitter Shandy'

WKP (3-2)

Never far from controversy, WKP won a very close encounter by foul means: match point to Willie he plays a weak boast, 20 feet away, as his oppo' shapes for a simple drop, Willie raps on the court door and starts doing the river dance, which not only registered a 9 on the Richter scale, but also  distracted poor Chris who tinned it. Chris pouts, Ollie cheers ('Gerthchaaaa!') Sam (marking) mistakes a radiator for the team dog, I search the manual for a chapter on diplomacy while Roger and Gareth bite their knuckles. Willie meanwhile grins manically, does a victory dance (a variation on said 'river dance') and spends the next hour in the shower, describing his victory, shot by shot, to an admirably dignified Chris, who looks on in disbelief at what appears to be a man wearing one of those 'Little Britain' naked lady suits ( a strap on Willie?) I fear this shameful incident will be as easily digested as the match meal (a 'European Curry' made, I think, from the much abused Chesham team dog).

Match Rating: Not a six pack in sight so, for his sins, '3 Hail Bloody Marys' with a 'Wallbanger' chaser

Oliver Reeves (3-0)

There is a phrase much used on my old old school reports which sums up the the 'old' Olly's past performances: 'flatters to deceive'. Always stylish, with a lovely touch, he just seemed to lack a bit of bite. There is now lead in his pencil and the transformation is remarkable; he totally dominated a very dynamic opponent, took the pace out of the game when he needed to and upped the tempo accordingly. Performance of the night, though the scorer's swear box has now been replaced by a dictionary on Dick Van Dykisms

("gertchhyouravinalaaarffinnit"?!)

Match Rating: 'Rum Punch' in a dirty glass

Roger Taylor (2-3)

A battle royale with 'young Roger' v 'old Roger'. 'Young Roger', struggling with a dodgy back, started the game as Sean Connery but ended as Roger Moore, dominating a match that he lost. His oppo' played most of his shots off the back foot and the back wall, but must be credited with durability. Roger, as stylish as his Aston Martin, seemed fueled by diesel, dictating and cruising the longer rallies but never quite able to switch into overdrive. He and Gareth should be locked in a small white room with each other (and a couple of rackets) for a fortnight!

Match Rating: A very stiff 'Martini with a Twist', shaken but not sufficiently stirred

*A footnote regarding St John's calf: how could this injury be aggravated on a romantic weekend in Madrid?

Rating: Ginger Beer

Back Pages: Turds v Aylesbury 2 (17/10/2006)

17/10/06

Squash 3rds v Aylesbury 2 (Away) Lost 6-15

Steve 'Call that a knife?' Kinsella v S Townsend (0-3) 

Steve played squash while his partner played badminton; confusing for everyone, but very watchable. Townsend's very effective game, all limp wristed flicks and dolly drops, lacked the testorine required to motivate the meekest antipodean. Poor Steve didn't know whether to fight him or f**k him!

Trevor 'Uh?' Jones v C Bartlett (3-1) 

Everyone in gallery heard my oppo's hamstring twang in the warm up. I didn't and spent the next 40 minutes trying to work out his odd footwork/game-plan/mindgames. I think I've been hanging around WKP too much.

Roger '100%' Taylor v K Hodges (3-1) 

Roger, jetting in specially for the event, battled well in a tight and very competitive ...pair of shorts... sorry, match. There were a couple of pivotal moments: Roger very unhappy with being taken from behind by his opponent for the 2nd week running. (Apparently it's better to give than receive...captain’s suggestion: looser fitting shorts or improve the drop shot) Also, some  excellent subliminal motivation from his watching team mates, with the orchestrated chant/whisper of 'vodaphone, vodaphone' which had the desired effect; rolling eyes and much drooling, terrifying poor Kev into submission. 

Match of the day!

Mark ''Is that it?' Vickery v A Woodger (0-3) 

Mark only lasted 20 minutes, which his wife assures us isn't bad for him! I didn't see his performance but could hear the moans of displeasure from the car park. Only needs match practice...give him a ring!

Tim 'Windy' Westall v D O'Conner (0-3) 

Tim battled gallantly but was doomed once Des O'Connor took the cardy off. Des, who's filled out a bit since his Palladium glory days, still rocks; but gently.

Note: Tim gets 'sick note of the week' for his novel '8 currys in 4 days' excuse. Not surprised poor Des wanted off court asap!

We have the next couple of weeks off. There is talk of a training session  on a Wed night with the 2nd team. I'll keep you posted.

Cheers,

Trev.

Back Pages: My 50th Birthday Party

I've just found some photos of my 50th birthday party.
It was a 'French Night' and a cracking evening.

A ‘FRENCH NIGHT’   (OOOOOO LA LA!)

FRIDAY 13^th NOVEMBER 2009  7.30pm

Dress as a ‘Frenchy’

Or come as you are

There’ll be food and champagne

Some free drinks at the bar

Don’t ignore the old git

In the stripes, he ain’t bad

He’s just lost his onions

(That ‘old git’ is my Dad)

There’ll be Mum and young Di

And they really Can Can

And they quite often do

With any old man

But, who needs an excuse

In these times, mean and thrifty?

C’est mois, mes amis

Je suis bloody fifty!

Trev xxx

See if you can recognise any of the Roast Beefs below, starting with Koko's pathetic outfit, a piece of card stuck to his chest. Nice of Dirty to have made an effort...
Also note a very emotional Atko who had a 'reaction' to the Napoleon Brandy (I kid you not.)
My Dad's the pillock with the onions...

Back Pages: Turds v Chesham 1879 10/10/2006

Turds v Chesham 1879 

10/10/2006   

Lost 8-15

Steve Kinsella v Dan Colquhouns (0-3) Steve battled well in the first, but it soon became apparent (against a very able opponent) that he'd left his legs in Oz. Showed enough to confirm my uncanny ability to spot 'a diamond in the rough'. Our £10 bet on The Ashes (I get win & draw) is officially recorded here. 

(Needs a trim)

Trevor Jones v Sam Watts (1-3) Last time I played Sam I was mesmerized by a 'cyclops' type eruption that was festering between his eyes. 

No such excuses this time. Tonked! 

Note: first time anyone in the club has been seen with bigger hair than me. 

Mousse or gel, Sam?

Jim Cooper v Chris Butler (3-1) Jim, sporting 'those' tight, all too revealing 70's shorts, proved that viscose does stretch, and that you can't judge a book by its cover: he was very, very solid (Coops assures us that he is neither Jewish or Roman Catholic) and stylish. Far too dynamic for an elegant but bemused Chris, who didn't know where to look! 

Polished (gel or beeswax?)

Oliver Reeves v Roger Hill (1--3) Olly looked great in the warm-up and took the first game with some panache. Roger fought back well and started to rattle Olly's cage a bit, resulting in some fine Anglo Saxon ("muddypuppingwanger" & ""puppingarthole" anyone?) and a bit of a wobble from the boy. 

A swearbox should ensure that non of us has to pay match fees again. Match fitness is all he lacked. Nice 'tintinesque' quiff Olly. 

Phil Courtney-Luck v Steve Ramsden (3-1) Phil, obviously out of his depth,

didn't listen to my match plan and won admirably. He took his now famous

'battle of the boardroom' mindset on court and blew poor Steve away. Now,

I've always been suspicious of 'punchy' Phil's pedigree, and after some

sleuth-work, I can reveal that he is, in fact, Sid 'The Steamer' Smith, an

infamous street fighter and circus performer from the Isle of Dogs. 

I asked Phil/Sid about his philosophy of aggression and how he applied it both on

the street and on the court:

"An 'expert' doesn't so much argue the various sides of an issue as plant

his flag firmly on one side. That's because an expert whose argument reeks

of restraint or nuance doesn't get much attention.  An expert must be bold if he hopes to alchemize his homespun theory into conventional wisdom. His best chance of doing so is to engage the public's emotion, for emotion is the

enemy of rational argument. And as emotions go, one of them -- fear  -- is

more potent than the rest. The super-predator, Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, mad-cow, crib death: how can we fail to heed the expert's advice on these horrors when, like that mean uncle telling too scary stories to too young children, he has reduced us to quivers?"

You can't argue with that, nor should you! 

Warning: Don't ask Phil/Sid for a gobstopper...unless you want to see his sucker punch. 

The nicest hair in the club. 

Grecian 2000 Sid?

Next weeks team will soon be revealed.

Cheers,

Trev.

Back Pages: Turds v Chesham Bois 3 (away) Autumn 2006

Turds v Chesham Bois 3 (away)

Lost 1-4 (5-16)

Chris Guildersleve (0-3) against Simon Brown. A bit like Caliban looking in the mirror this one. Two similar styles and a lively court made this a war of

attrition (I managed to warm up and lose 0-3 in the time it took them to play one game!) with Simon's lack of ambition overcoming (eventually) Chris's

reluctance to play a drop shot (maybe been hanging out with Whittaker too often). Very impressed though with Chris's cocktail of red wine and various berries at the bar afterwards.

St John (1-3) against Chris Jordan. In the first of two matchups with cast members from the 'Simpsons', Sturge was outwitted by the witless Ned Flanders

(son of beatniks).

TJ (0-3) against Rob Ballingall. The other 'Simpsons' encounter saw me well beaten by Mr Charles Montgomery 'Monty' Burns (104 years old).

WKP (1-3) against Tim Leslie-Smith. Willie decided to speak to no-one, play no squash, drink no beer and eat no food. May take disciplinary action.

Roger 'the stallion' Taylor (3-0) against Jeremy Hill. Like a thoroughbred amongst a bunch of beach donkeys, Roger made light of his lack of match

fitness with magnificent touch and feel. Enough of his shower antics, his squash wasn't bad either!

I've decided that we need a rest, so I'm giving you all next week off. Please study.

Next match 10/10/06 Home v Chesham 1879 1st team.

Cheers,

Trev.