Bulls v Bears

Kevin Mears writes:

After the usual pre-match banter, side bets and positioning, Captain ‘cotton eye’ Joe was first to hold court with Joanne. Much was expected from an in-form Joanne but Joe’s pace and accuracy were too much for Joanne to handle. A lapse of concentration in the 3rd gave Joanne some hope, but this was soon quashed by Joe in the 4th.3-1

Next up was Olly against Captain Kangaroo (Fielding). The first game was eventually won by Olly having defended 8 game balls. Dave came back with gusto to take the second, but his determination was never going to be enough to combat Olly’s natural flare. Captain Kangaroo was dispatched in the next 2, probably wishing that he had taken the opportunity to sit on a sun kissed beach in Rio. 3-1

Having recently been promoted to the number 1 slot, Heather had another tough week, this time against Stefan Lubek, making a welcomed return to add strength to the Bear’s squad. Having lost the previous week, Stefan was keen to prove that he remembered how to play squash and he didn’t disappoint. Heather put up a credible performance, but the rejuvenated bear was too accurate, too fit and too strong. 0-3

Mearsy and Hicksie were next to lock horns. Kev lost the knock up 9/0 with Mike timing everything to perfection. The first game was a breeze for Mike, with Kev hitting too many mid court shots which Mike put away with ease. At 8/2 it should have been Hicksie’s game but somehow Mearsy managed to scrape back to finally win it 10/9. The next 2 went Kev’s way. 3-0

Finally young Harry “Hurricane” Wyld was pitched against Chris “county champion” Gilders. With a win incentive, Harry was focused on the victory, but Chris is too fit and too experienced to capitulate. Exquisite to watch, they battled well and Harry’s killing shots were absolutely outstanding (it’s amazing what happens when one practises). With the second game at 8-7, Chris mimicked to perfection a ‘Hurricane” killer nic, to level the scores. The remaining games continued at a high pace, but Harry proved too much for his senior, narrowly winning 10/8 and 9/7. 3-1

With the win bonus the Bulls won 16-6, the Bears will have to regroup for the return match on 24th March.
The following questions remain……..
Will Heather ever shout or argue ?
Will Harry ever win 3/0 and will he ever mark a match ?
Will Kev ever be quiet on court ?
Will Captain Joe’s bar bill ever be below £100 ?
Will Olly’s body hold up for an entire season ?
Will Stefan play enough to reach his potential ?
Will Hicksie get a full night’s sleep ?
Will Gilders ever be 10 stone?
Will Joanne ever beat Egan ?
Will Captain Kangaroo win a team match ?

Finally, a massive thanks to Sponsor Maximon Solutions (Richard & Lis Monson) for our quality new team shirts.

Bears Two for One (1879 and Chesham Bois Juniors) – Wheels coming off slightly

Entering into the final quarter of the season, things were looking good for the happy band of Bears. ‘Happy’, note, not ‘smug’ thank you very much, Tiger boys. Our second place in the division was earned by hard work, sheer talent, and excellent captaincy in picking the aforementioned talent in the correct order. You can’t teach that sort of skill.

Anyway, we welcomed 1879 - relegation rivals of the Bulls – with Ian giving us helpful advice I’m sure I’ve heard somewhere before, namely “crush the b*****ds”. Well, we would have done but the evening took a curious turn…….

I was first up alongside Adam. Naturally I didn’t see his match against young Joe Yerrell, but by all accounts it was a rather feisty affair. Joe is rapidly improving, but coming up against someone as good as Adam in this division is always likely to puncture balloons, as more than one young gun has found out throughout the season. Joe got quite riled, especially because he was a little slow to clear drops in particular and Adam prides himself on not asking for a let if there is the remotest chance of getting the ball. This meant things got a little intimate at times, which wasn’t to Joe’s liking. His mood wasn’t improved by only getting 4 points all match, and he sat shell shocked in the dressing room for quite some time afterwards. I popped in to towel between every game of my 5 setter and he was still sitting there staring at the wall. Must have been bad.

Meanwhile, I was up at #3 against big Dave Walden, an extremely pleasant fellow who belies his corpulent frame with very assured racquet work. I hadn’t played for a week, and being naturally talentless played the most awfully predictable rubbish for the first two games. In fact, the only redeeming feature of those games was a disputed call by Richard Graham which split both players, the watching gallery, and eventually even the marker. This led to the accusation of marking by committee, so Richard took a firm grip of the situation by shooing Trevor and the rest away from watching our court and onto the next. It’s a brilliantly simple solution to getting rid of Jones and one I recommend to all markers.

Oh, and I finally got my squash head on thanks to some astute coaching from Andrew Egan and beat Dave quite comfortably in the end 3-2. I even played a trickle boast in the final game for the first and probably only time this season. Don’t know what came over me. Won’t happen again.

So, 2-0 and all going to plan. Then the fun started. Phil Alexander had gone on to replace Adam and happily started to thump Steve French. Richard went on at #5 to play their captain Roger Hill and started brightly enough, narrowly losing the first game 8-10, before his abductor muscle went loudly and painfully. He soldiered on, but given that Roger could barely move himself due “age-related crap” (his words), it was an unedifying spectacle as a game and Richard eventually lost 3-0.

Meanwhile, Phil had gone 2-0 up and was about to complete the match victory when there was a knock on the door and two regular members informed the players that they had booked that court. Pandemonium ensued. It turned out that an admin error on the part of the club had failed to book out four courts for the whole evening for both our match and the ladies match. The girls were still playing on both their courts, the two members insisted they wanted to play, and there were no other courts. After much waving of arms and angry words from us and team huddles from them, Roger approached me almost sheepishly and said “it’s a difficult situation…” Phil, the experienced campaigner and gentleman par excellence, spared him having to finish the sentence and conceded the rubber.

Pause for breath. 2-2 and Adam mute with fury. The atmosphere was crackling. It all boiled down to Andrew Egan at #4 against Chris Butler, a tall lanky chap with quick feet and a good reach. Because of his day job, Andrew is an early bird and, we have now discovered, does not play well late at night. Point for captain to note. He was easily better than Chris, yet played like a complete cock and allowed his opponent to peg him to 2-2 despite winning the first and fourth quite comfortably.

The tension in the gallery was palpable, and the ghost of Piggin was heard to boom “win, you Welsh git”. Or that might have been me. Can’t remember. Anyway, like his beloved rugby team are bound to do on Saturday in Cardiff, Egan ran out of energy and capitulated at the death.

Disaster. That admin error cost us a victory and more importantly handed 7 precious points to a relegation rival of the Bulls. I sincerely hope the club does not come to regret it. This must never happen again.

Round 2 of this back-to-back took place up at Chesham Bois where we took on their Juniors, who were lying one place behind us in the division. This is the team which features young Amy Jones, my near-nemesis of earlier in the season, so naturally I ensured that I was as far away from Chesham as I could arrange – Bahrain as it turned out – so that I didn’t have to face her again. It was a somewhat depleted team due to a lot of absences of the regulars, but on paper still looked a strong one: Dave Powell, Phil Alexander, Olly Reeves, Lady Bear and Trevor Jones (the other one, before you think I’ve gone madder than a UKIP candidate). Phil has e-mailed me a report which is a bit thin on detail so I’ll pad it out with my usual strict adherence to the truth.

Dave Powell has been injured of late but said he would be back in time for the match. I had (rashly) assumed that he meant he’d been away on one of his regular skiing breaks and would come back fit as a fiddle. Regrettably, he’d been away on a drinking weekend and apparently came back looking less like a fiddle and more like a tuba, and a hung over one at that, even two days later. He lost “to a young lad” (the clue is in the team name Phil – any clue as to his name?) 3-1.

Captain Koko (don’t get used to the name, I’m back next week) went on at 2 and “stuffed” Peter. Well, 3-1 could be read in many ways but at least he got an uninterrupted game this week, ho hum.

Olly played a blinder, apparently, against Tom Orminston who is nobody’s fool. A tight match which Olly won 3-2 which means that he is now unbeaten in his last three matches and all of them 5 setters. So much for doubts as to his fitness and ability to win. He has definitely come good a little late and is rapidly turning into a banker (not that sort of “0608 train or you’re a part-timer” City banker Olly – calm down) for a win wherever I play him. Just what a captain needs at the end of the season, though his availability with young George about to make his appearance in the world any day now could be limited. (STOP PRESS – congratulations to both Jemma and Olly on the recent splendid news, from all the Bears. We are sure Olly did a splendid job, and can we have him back for Buckingham on the 19^th please?)

So, 2-1 up and all to play for, but sadly Jo didn’t have one of her best nights apparently and went down 1-3, and young (sic) Trevor must have had some stage fright as he lost as well 0-3. Phil says he is capable of playing much better than that.

So, a close match which we eventually lost 16-8. This puts the Juniors just 10 points behind us with a game in hand so it is a close race for the second spot behind the magnificent champions–to-be: the Tigers. All to play for then as we head for our last two matches of the season. Did I mention that we beat the Tigers recently…?

Bears vs RAF 7/2/13

Dave Fielding writes:

This was one of those juicy fixtures which everyone was looking forward to. RAF, for the earlier part of the season the whipping boys, had strengthened their squad with a couple of guys who once flew in an aircraft and so qualified to play for the RAF. Six matches unbeaten and flying (ouch, sorry) up the table. But then they met the Bears…

We were up for this one. Competition for places in the Bears was fierce and the quality high. Points and percentages were there to be proved and improved, especially with the Bulls captain in attendance to make sure we didn’t screw up against potential relegation opposition for them.

Ian needn’t have worried. First up was Lady Bear, still smarting after her first team loss of the season the previous week. She was up against a man mountain of a PTI Pete Fletcher, who must have been over 6’4”. It was almost as comical physical mismatch as when I played tiny Amy Jones of Chesham. Jo utterly cut the guy to pieces in the first two games with a stunning display of intelligent squash. I watched awestruck as she scented a weakness in the Hulk’s game (inability to deal with a floated ball into the back corners) and ruthlessly exploited it point after point. I could readily identify with the panic in the poor chap’s mind as he started to imagine the ribbing he would get on the way home for being beaten by a girl half his size. This did seem to galvanize him eventually – clearly he learnt as quickly as he moved around the court – and he fought back to level the match. But Lady Bear showed that grit which has characterized her game this year and finished the job off in the 5th. Hulk didn’t emerge out of the changing rooms until tempted by food. He had a face which foretold of the future I would have had if I’d been been beaten by 13 yr-old Amy…

Next door Olly was locking horns with the other PTI on the RAF team. Danny Batson is famous for two things: firstly being fit as a fiddle, and secondly having legs like a billiard table. However, he is also just coming back from a serious injury, which gave Olly heart. It was a tense and error-strewn match, but winning a very tight first game 9-7 gave Olly a vital boost and he really dug in to record a magnificent first win of the season in some style: 3-0. The man is back, and do I detect some of that old swagger in his backswing? Not before time, and very welcome.

So far so good. Dave Powell on next against Lee Cobley, whom Koko (on leave this week) had reduced to a gibbering wreck earlier in the season – “hadn’t a bloody clue which way the ball was going!”. He didn’t fare much better against DP, who was good when he was rusty and is now steadily heading towards the awesome. It’s an embarrassment of riches, I tell you. A trouble-free 3-0, with plenty of trademark flamenco backhands on display for good measure.

I was next door against their captain Len Brettell at 4. Typical RAF, built like an anorexic lamp-post, but I had more firepower at my disposal. Having just arrived back from a couple of brutal days skiing in deep off-piste (the perfect preparation, what are you talking about?), I had a bit of a wobble in the third as the tank wasn’t quite as full as I’d thought, so I went for bust in the 4th and upped the pace. Fortunately it worked.

That left the showpiece match of the top seeds. Adam was up against Ian Digby, who is no mug with over 20 years’ experience in the Bucks & Herts top divisions. Shuffled round the court in an almost apologetic fashion, yet had a sublime touch. Adam was perhaps guilty of underestimating his opponent. His frustrations at being made to work harder than anticipated boiled over in the second game when he shoved Ian out of the way when he thought he’d been baulked once too often. If looks could kill, Ian would be behind bars for life, and the balcony erupted into a whispered “fight, fight fight….” DP kept an admirable handle on affairs, however, and Adam soon realized he’d overstepped the mark and to his credit made a huge effort to play nicely for the remainder of the game. The schoolboys in the gallery were left disappointed at the subsequent love-in, and Adam eventually ran out a 3-0 winner.

So, a very satisfying evening which saw the eventual score 19-3. If the website ever gets updated, it would show us now a very healthy second in the table, and all eyes are turning to Tuesday’s encounter with the league leaders, our very own Seconds. Clash of the Titans – unmissable. Don’t worry Gareth, I’ll write the match report. Even though you’re the home team. You will clearly have far more important things to do…

By the way, quote of the evening came from Ian Digby, who is an old mucker of Chris Gildersleve from inter-county: “Chris is the only guy I know who can wear designer gear from head to toe and still look scruffy.”
Priceless.

Bulls v Bears

This encounter is usually a fun and feisty affair; fueled by a genuine competitive edge.
Sad to report that it was a rendered a limp dick; predictably impotent.
For the record:
The top 3 games were essentially exhibition matches; I'm sure that Adam, Dave (Powell) and Koko would have enjoyed a run out but (with respect to Ian and Jim) weren't remotely challenged by the best that The Bulls could muster:
Pig v Adam Pyne  0-3
Chicken v Dave Powell  0-3
Fox v Phil Alexander 0-3
Koala Kev and Oliver Reeves at least threatened some kind of encounter before Olly's achilles rendered him lackluster. 3-1
The Gnat, struggling with a bad back, was ill advised to play immediately after a session with Priya. She took the first game against Jo Smalley before becoming a passenger; eventually retiring. 1-3
4-17 to The Bears then...
Well done Bears!
Apologies that it wasn't more competitive.
Thanks to those who turned up.
Sorry it wasn't more of a show.
I think that The Bulls might be rotating the squad at Xmas to relieve and rebuild confidence.
Still, we had plenty of time for a pleasant little drink afterwards, dulled the pain nicely, nearly hitting £150 on the bar bill. A record of sorts I think...

Tonight: Super Bears v Sorry 2nds

There will be a intriguing encounter at the club tonight when Dave Fielding's eccentrically stacked 'Super Bears' take on Gazza's depleted troop; the (once 'Super') 2nds.
Bizarrely, there will be only 2 real 2nders on show, as a squad they're either injured, washing their hair, watching Emmerdale or partaking in Italian night classes.
All sick notes have yet to be verified, but our lovable Estate Agent (and you thought an oxymoron was a stupid Bull) has had to doff his cap to The 'Average' Bulls and come a begging for guest appearances.
Once The Pig had checked the small print regarding 'entrapment' and 'team tying' he graciously agreed to release some of his limited talents for the evening's betterment.. This season's squad selections have rendered The Bulls an average breed; a makeshift, homogenous mass of adequacy, but I'm informed that apparently they have 'strength in depth' which is a compliment akin to telling your mate that his wife has a "nice personality"; faint praise indeed for this menagerie; collectively a strange beast that has no head or tail, just a fleshy midriff, thankfully blessed with a big collective heart...
The match ups are in and they're below, with my predictions.
As you can see I have the 2nds down to pip it 3-2 but Reeves and Davies are about as consistent as a rotary engine, so things could easily flip-flop.
If you want a flutter you could contact me here...

Super Bears v Sorry 2nds   (7.30pm Start)

Adam 'Lonesome' Pyne v Chris 'The Grinder' Guildesleve  
Sprightly Adam too talented and mobile for Guilderleve's admirable but lamentable proddings. (3-0)

Dave 'The Turtle' Powell v Neil 'Mr Bojangles' Davies
A class act; the resurgent Powell should keep the belligerent beast at bay. (3-1)

Oliver 'Gertcha' Reeves v Gazza 'Gazza' Ashington 
If Ollie's in the mood this could kick off; a potential decider; it should be a cracker... Ollie's dextrous deftness to fade as he tires; Gazza's endevour and beige fortitude helps to nick it in the 5th. (2-3)

Dave 'Capt Kangaroo' Fielding v Ian 'The Pig' Piggin 
Although Dave is much improved he is over-coached and thus likes an orthodox game; The Pig's unorthodoxy will be his undoing; effectively frustrating and tying up the long limbed lubber. (1-3)

'Fluffy' Phil Collings v Jim 'The Chicken' Cooper 
Phil a bit of an unknown quantity to me but Jimbo is currently at his dynamic best. He also has the heart of a Bull... (0-3)

Super Bears Match Reports 4 for 1

Bears 4 for 1

Ever the efficient Captain (well, that’s what my co-pilots say when I make them do all the work), here are the match reports from the first four Bears contests of the season. Won just one, but points accumulated in the other matches against the injury odds mean we aren’t moaning. Unlike some others, who really should learn to be as contented with their lot in life…

1) Chesham Old Farts (home) : lost 2-3 (14-7)

The evening got off to a bad start when young Seb Monson pitched up with his right hand bandaged up after some future Tory cabinet minister from Harrow stamped on his hand in a scrum. Utter b*****d. Seb tried his best but couldn’t hit more than a couple of balls so Aubery had a walk-over. Honours were even over the remaining 4 matches, with Adam walking it (take that as read for all future reports) against Peter Smith, me playing too high at 2 but giving Richard Eaton-Hart a run for his money at 1-3, Richard Graham showing a little inexperience in rushing a match against Steve Hunt he could and should have won, and young Alex Speculand making his team debut at 5 and winning 3-1 after finally deciding that a guy in a leg brace really needed smacking off court (Neil Thomas).

2) Chesham Upstarts (away) : lost again 2-3 (13-7)Yet again we were cursed by an injury on the night, with Olly “MFI” Reeves discovering that the physio on his calf hadn’t quite worked in time. Of the remaining 4 matches, Adam was imperious against Chris Wildman (terrible to see a young man suffer like that, and I don’t mean Adam); and Phil “The Saviour” Alexander utterly bamboozled Sam Mueller, to the surprise of absolutely nobody. The lower order, however, couldn’t match the lead and Phil Collings (also a debutant this season) started promisingly against Simon Ackers - a man seemingly determined to burst the ball every time he served it – but lost out 1-3 in a game high on testosterone but low on subtlety. It fell to me at 4 to win it, and I did have high hopes as I was against Phil Williams whom I”d beaten last year when he spectacularly imploded halfway through my fightback. Unfortunately, this year the Good Phil turned up and I didn’t have the accuracy to get the ball past him. Inconsiderate b*****d.

3) RAF (away) : smashed them 5-0 (19-3)Not much to say about this one. This was the strongest team I will put out in the whole season and the RAF are one of the weakest teams in the division now Paul Warner isn’t playing for them. Adam ran riot against Phil Rea (though did lose a game, tut tut), The Saviour utterly bamboozed Lee Cobley to almost comic proportions; Dave “Prodigal Son” Powell returned to the fold from a sojourn Down Under and relied heavily on years of talent and training rather than court currency and fitness (is that a polite way of putting it?); and Andrew Egan relied heavily on his bionic wrist rather than court currency and fitness (ie. lazy b*****d). I had just got back from a trip and was still somewhere over the Sahara in the first game but woke up to finish my man off comfortably.

4) Holmer Green 2 (home) : lost 1-4 (17-5)Shame we couldn’t put the same team out two days later. HG2 are a strong team and had whipped the Bulls 4-1 the previous week. We would have loved to do better, but it appears we are no stronger than the Bulls are over the distance. Olly tried his hobbling best against Mark “two yards of tap water” Merrit (as Bullard has memorably described him) and got off to a 9-0 flyer, before the lack of fitness / stamina / talent (delete as appropriate) kicked in. I played the wiley veteran campaigner Darren Thompson at 3 and should have done a lot better than losing 1-3, but I was flat-footed and Darren anything but. One of those games where everywhere I put it Darren was there. Irritating b******d. Inspector Chapples made his first appearance for the Bears at 4, but looked short of match practice against Nick Saegar. Richard Graham played some lovely squash and the 0-3 defeat by Dave Albin doesn’t do him justice, especially when he had game point in the first. Getting closer to that first win.

The only high point of the evening was a stunning match between Adam and Ross Butler. I doubt I’ll witness a higher quality game in the division this year. The skill levels, speed and accuracy were astonishing, and the number of times we thought shots were winners only to be somehow retrieved and turned into attack was gobsmacking. It would have been an utter pleasure to watch if I didn’t have to mark it and make split-second decisions with players moving at lightening speeds and picking balls up an inch off the floor right at the front. I shudder to think of the carnage if Davies or Jones had marked it. Adam eventually ran out a magnificent 3-1 winner and the only shame is that there weren’t more people there to watch it.

So, overall disappointing not to turn those close losses into wins but we’re mid-table and looking forward to taking on the Tiger Puffs on Thursday. There are lots of positives for us: Adam remains an inspiration on and off the court; the highlight of any match is the look on opponents’ faces when playing The Saviour; Dave Powell will be unstoppable once he’s got his fitness back; Olly’s calf has to heal at some point in the season, and I’ve a fine crop of new and emerging players at 4 & 5. So, unless Gareth “thieving b******d” Ashington gets his filthy hands on my best players, things are looking good for the Bears….

Match Report: Super 2nds v Bears

Bears Water Fallow Ground


Gazza v Jo

I didn't have a good feeling inside and played as nervously as Jo played well and I lost the first game. Clouds were appearing! Managed to take the next 2 games to calm the nerves and keep the vultures at bay who would have loved to see me lose to Jo. All went wrong in the forth with Jo closing it out and at 5-5 in the fifth I pictured Steve and Carol Smalley making a point of coming of coming into my office the next day and remarking smugly "Jo's playing well isn't she?" It was enough to spur me and I won the last game 9-6 I think.

Richard v Seb

A hum-dinger by all accounts which I didn't see but at 2-2 all Richard went 8-0 up in the 5th only for Seb to peg it back all the way to 8-8 and on for the win. Well done Seb, one to watch for ageing 40/50 year old, balding and overweight players. Most of the male membership then!

Chris v Toby Bear

An anti climax as Toby twisted his ankle I think during the 2nd game and Chris with endless running mercilessly put Toby out of his misery quickly to record a 3-0 win.

Neil v Ollie

Well, Neil just had too much in his tool-kit for Ollie - it wasn't pretty, it wasn't clever but Ollie seemed at a loss of how to get into each game. Neil won comfortably 3-0.

Kev v Dave

A good match with Dave playing well and up for battle. Kev spurred on my his poor stats on our team's results discovered that he did care about winning and he managed to win 3 close games to win 3-0,

4-1 win and 18-5 

Gareth

Bulls v Bears: Revenge is Sweat

There have been criticisms that our match reports have been a little verbose of late. 
"Why can't you be more focussed and precise like that nice... Nic 'not so' Manley?"
With that whinging still ringing we decided late last night that each player would review their own game, cutting the verbiage to just 10 words per player (so that's 10 words Piggin & Jim).


Camel v Magic
Nigel made mega effort to nick first game 10-9.
Toby's retaliation followed. Meticulous drops, volleys, retrieving, to cruise home.
(1-3)


Natalie v Seb  
A tantalising teenage encounter, first game to speedy Seb 9-7. 
Lob serves, slower pace, precision drops, next three to Natalie. 
(3-1)


Trev v Jo
Trev: Exquisitely irritating, momentarily mischevious, but ultimately polite, urbane and dignified...
Jo: Unreadable drops, grumpychops; perked up in bar after four vinos...
(3-1)
PS: Jo's response was largely unprintable but did include several 'tosser's and one 'cock'...


'Grim' Jim v Capt Kangaroo (10 words each player remember Jim...)
Despite the most bizarre marking decision in the history of the game and the deathly silence of young Seb’s Bearish colleagues on the balcony, who must have abruptly taken monastic vows of silence, Coops eased past the rusty Capt Fielding 3-0. The only winner here was Mr Longman, to the tune of one new racket please!
(3-0)
PS: The captain responds with his ten penneth... Rusty indeed against a very sharp blade on top form

St Piggin v Oli (that's just 10 words remember Pig...)

The game of Oli v me v Jo v Oli was a feisty game of two halves and three adversaries.  The ever mercurial Oli got off to a flyer and took the first two games.  I did all the running and blew-up midway through the first game after a particularly torrid rally. Oli had me doing court sprints and I was doing little more than feeding him untidy shots into the middle of the court.  
It was all a bit of a blur from then until the third game.  
I can't remember the scores in either game.  
I may have gotten 6 points in the first game and possibly a couple in the second...

I got my act back together for the start of the third and Oli started putting everything into the tin, which I forgot to thank him for.  At some point in the third, the inevitable congestion around the middle of the court brought our lady bear marker into the mix.  From then on, there must have been a dozen or so calls for her intervention.  I wouldn't dare suggest they were all wrong but I'm brave enough to consider they weren't all right.  
Certainly, impartial though.

I won the next 3 games, enjoying Oli's capitulation.  
Must have his wedding on his mind...


With that thought; a free packet of peanuts goes to the person who can guess what Oli is saying to the hapless photographer (Stampy) in the picture below...

Match Report: Bears on an artificial 'high'?: Bears v Chesham Bois Old Boys

It's amazing how quickly match reports come in when a team has won. 

Could it just be a temporary high?

Here's Jo's breathless report:

The Bears set off for last night’s match quietly confident in the knowledge that several of the more ‘experienced’ Old Boys were up in Manchester at the British Masters playing proper old man squash.  So confident, that when Toby and I arrived at Chesham the rest of the team were nowhere to be seen.  Never one to miss the opportunity to get to the bar early, I nipped on court to get things underway. 

So – Lady Bear against a man who was wearing so many support bandages and different types of strapping on his lower limbs that it was impossible to discern whether or not he actually had any legs.  This should have been a clue.  However, me being me, it wasn’t, and I quickly found myself 5-0 down in the first.  Definitely not part of my plan.  After some running and scrabbling, I clawed my way to a 6-9 loss in the first.  Must do better.  And in the 2^nd I did.  Drop shots galore led to a fairly comfortable second game.  Great stuff.  However, I then resorted to my default setting which is running and rallying into the backhand corner.  I’m not entirely sure why.  And it ended up with a 2-9 drubbing.  Oh dear.  So onto the fourth and at 0-3 down I suddenly realise that Olly has not developed a severe nervous tick with associated gesticulation in the balcony, but is in fact urging me (and indeed the whole club, including my opponent) to go short.  It was at this point that I realised that Mr No Legs did indeed have a severe lack of ability in the going forwards department, and after 2 games of drop shots, I managed to wrap up the win 3-2.  Who wants to win easy?!!!!

Whilst my see-saw battle was going on, Toby had managed to go 2 nil up quite comfortably against an opponent who paid little attention to the concept of clearing the ball.  Good work we thought – in the bag.  However Toby had other ideas and proceeded to start what can only be technically described as ‘d1cking about’.  In fact he ‘d1cked about’ so much that he lost the 3^rd.  Oh dear.  However ‘Magic’ obviously gave himself a strict talking to between games and proceeded to win the 4^th quite easily.  When asked post-match what had caused said ‘d1cking about’ Toby replied that he’d wanted to win the 3^rd 9-0, and once his opponent had won a point had got a bit confused.  I might advise that this strategy backfired a little, and should be abandoned in future matches!

So onto Captain Fielding, who was up against the ever present wily ‘’old boy’ himself Mick O’Sullivan.  It was definitely a cause of little and large on court.  Dave seemed comfortably in control and had game ball at 8-6, only to eventually win it 10-9, which caused some minor consternation.  However, he gave himself a kick up the backside and, in his own words, ‘made himself as wide at the humber bridge’ and dispatched Mick 3-0 to put the Bears 3-0 up and the match was in the bag.  Good work!

So no pressure on Captain Olly then, from who we were expecting great things after his victory last week and sudden discovery that running does in fact make winning a little easier (see below).  However, in the first we were to be disappointed.  Olly, clearly bamboozled by a player who seemed to be able to hit tin skimming boasts from almost anywhere in the court, was back to his old self, and demonstrated a severe case of ‘can’t be ar$ed’.  0-1 down.  However, in the 2^nd, he came back a new man, and remembered that running helped.  He flew around the court like a man possessed, picking up everything and anything, and was rewarded.  This tactic continued in the 3^rd and 4^th and he came out a 3-1 victor.  

So finally it was down to Young Seb Monson, making his debut for the bears (Virgin Bear??).  After his opponent finally turned up at 9.25 after finishing at night school, Seb was raring to go.  He had spent the last 2 hours warming up after all.  His opponent clearly hadn’t and obviously wished he was still back in the classroom.  Seb stunned him with an imperious, if somewhat lackadaisical, demonstration of that classic racket by the ankles school of squash, and roared to a 3-0 victory in around 15 minutes.  Great debut performance.

So the Bears picked up a 5-0 win, with lots of lovely and much needed points.  All that was left was to try and give Captain Fielding a musical education in the car on the way home, although he proved that he is indeed living up to his new ‘old man’ nickname.

Bears v RAF

Captain Olly writes:


Following a harsh snap in the weather it was a cold night for all on Tuesday where we welcomed the RAF. Unfortunately for Magic, as he set his late feet through the doors (yes 820 is late!) his jaw dropped as he noticed his opponent Paul Cobbles (a guy that seems only to turn up versus Toby!) was raring to go.

First on was Jo Smalley at 4, she played the silver surfer Nigel Peters. With Jo it's either put up or shut up and fortunately she "shut up" and put her energies into her running! Winning the first relatively easy, Nige came back to 2-2 but quality overcame everything else and she pulled it out of the bag. 
Keep it up Jo! 
3-2 Bears. 

At the same time the old vet Bullard was knocking up (and somehow making the ball colder). His opponent was Len Brettell. Steady Johnny was victorious in the first and raring to go in the second but then he stopped! Yes everything, line, length, running (I even had to check his pulse half way through the third). Unlucky John too much squash this week me thinks! 
RAF 1-3

The third match was of course me. Captain Olly. My opponent was Dick Taylor. Tall, reachy, perfect timing and the guy had the lot in abundance. I managed to grab the first through some early drops but the second game was a different matter. You need to be wary of this guy, he is good! He smashed me in the second and I thought (he has been winding me up and he gave me the first game!). How wrong I was. Hard work, running, running and more running I managed to win the next two games. Olly is back!! Bears 3-1.

Mr Egan was next in line. Playing Lee Cables at three. Whilst I didnt see the first three games I was monitoring the match at 1-2. Egan battled back to 8-8 and called 2. He won the serve back and was going for it! As hard and as low as his game was, Lee managed to get a return on it and get it back. The next point was won by RAF and at 8-9 it was S*it or bust. Knowing the Welsh have very little bottle I was predicting the outcome! A loose return by Andy forced Lee into playing a hard reverse boast and the game was over! Mr Egan needs a win under his belt to get back to winning ways! Unlucky. 
RAF 1-3.

Finally, Toby stepped onto court with a smiling Paul Warner. Paul who? Toby had him running all over the place and smashed him 9-6 (get in, the audience were in disbelief and shaking in their boots, their "banker" was getting done by our banker?!). "If only I could hold on to my game for the next two, we would be victorious" Toby pondered outside the court on his knees. Well, despite his best efforts and losing about 5 pints of sweat, he managed to accumulate 5 points out of the remaining 3 games. Too good was the verdict but a good point won. 
RAF 1-3.

So, overall we lost 2-3 but it was a great match. As we move into next week versus the Chesham old boys, Captain Fielding is back following a hip replacement last week and Mr Chapples is returning from some undercover business!! We may have to rest a few of the squad for that game!!

Olly   

Match Report: Bears v Holmer Green 3

As written by Toby 'Magic' Johnson...

 

So we turned up to the "cow shed" (Andrew Egan - 2009, 2010 and 2011) that is Holmer Green squash club with a FULL COMPLIMENT OF BEARS SQUAD MEMBERS in search of a much needed victory to try and continue the good start to the year that we have made. Having beaten this team convincingly in the first half of the season it is fair to say that yours truly walked into the club with a certain swagger (when don't I?), fully confident of recording a resounding victory in double quick time.

 

First up in trough number one was the lesser spotted Mike Chapples. For those of you who don't know, Mike has been suffering with a multitude of injuries and ailments this year that has prevented him from representing the Bears. However, Mike obviously thought that enough was enough and he wasn't going to let a niggly calf and some cracked ribs get in the way of a solid squash performance. He didn't disappoint. Mike was imperious and rattled out a quick 3-0. Enough said.

 

Second up in trough number two was Lady Bear Jo Smalley. Jo had the great misfortune of playing an older gent who went by the nickname 'The Punisher'. I can only imagine that this nickname related to some extracurricular activities as it certainly didn't have anything to do with his squash. This rather disturbing image unsettled Jo's usual game and she soon found herself 2-1 down.

 

It was at this moment that the team sage, Mr Andrew 'Welshy' Egan, stepped up to the plate and used his years of managerial experience to subtly point Jo in the right direction.

 

Andrew - DO YOU HAVE SOMEWHERE ELSE TO BE?

Jo - What do you mean?

Andrew - STOP TRYING TO WIN THE BLOODY THING SO QUICKLY AND PLAY SOME RALLIES.

Jo - Okay

 

Jo won the next two games and recorded a well deserved 3-2 victory. We would like to thank Andrew for his tact and grace.

 

So 2-0 up and the night was looking good.

 

On to court stepped yours truly.

 

As soon as I stepped on court I knew something was up. Holmer Green had either been picked up and put in the middle of the Sahara or someone had informed Homer Green squash club of my achilles heel (Trevor?) and they had been gradually heating the court up to astronomical levels since lunchtime. Safe to say it was the latter, and on spotting this I immediately asked the marker in my best English to "turn the f*cking heating off". "I don't have the key to the controls" was the response!

 

So there I was, on a blistering hot court with none other than a bloody fitness instructor. What followed was one of the most unpleasant matches of my squash career, wading through puddles of sweat to play one loose shot after another. Fortunately, I would appear to have gained some fitness in recent weeks and managed to grind my way to a 3-1 victory, a win that was made slightly less disgusting by the fact that I actually managed to run the fitness instructor into the ground (quite literally on a couple of occasions when my opponent ending up doing some rather painful looking splits as a result of some over eager lunges). He was recovering from Bronchitis, but I'll choose to ignore that.

 

3-0 up, the match was won and now all we had to do was put the icing on the cake and take the full 19 points home.....

 

Fortunately, the fact that I was in an epic struggle on the surface of the sun meant that I did not have the great misfortune of watching Andrew's match, although we did have a quick chat in the break after the first game where the only thing he could say was "I can't see the ball". It didn't sound like things were going very well, and sure enough they weren't. Andrew lost 3-0, a match that was apparently more notable for the quick exit Andrew had to make before the end of the second game to have a sit down rather than for any sort of squash.

 

Last up was the ever present Captain Bear Oli Reeves. Oli has unfairly been given the nickname of Lazy Bear in the past and he certainly dispelled that myth with his performance - demonstrating pace, power, precision, panache and superb dexterity to entertain the masses who were watching agog from the balcony. Oh no... wait ... that was Mike in the first match. Oli lost 3-0 in what was, to be honest, a rather lacklustre performance. No one was more disappointed than Oli, who has since declared that he shall be mending his ways - starting with the Tread Gaz challenge.

 

So, in the end we managed to secure a 3-2 win and 13 points. Not a bad performance against a Holmer Green who are much improved and keen to try and stay up in League 2. All in all a good result for the Bears. Bring on the RAF next week, it's a home match if anyone is interested in coming along and supporting.

 

Magic

 

 

 

 

 

Bears Toothless against Holmer Green 2

Bears Whimper against Holmer Green 2

Match Report: Dave 'Captain Kangaroo' Fielding

Not the best of nights for us. Captain Olly had to pull out at the last minute as he went on a Loyalty Building course at Wembley Stadium (along with 46,000 others, including some Swedes apparently) which left us a bit thin. Not good when HG put out a decent 5.

Toby started off like a train against young Ben Sheldon, winning the first game 9-1. Admittedly, Ben spent most of that game finding out exactly where the top of the tin was, and once he'd located it and aimed a bit higher, he took Toby to task. 6/9, 6/9, 5/9 was, by his own admission, a bit flattering to the Big Guy. Ben is a quality player (1-3)

Andrew Egan stepped in to cover for AWOLiver, but it wasn't a happy evening for the pseudo-Taffy. He's struggling a bit at the moment with a heavy work commitment and a back which has all the flexibility of Margaret Thatcher in her prime. Came up against another quality player in Ross Baker and came away with only a handful of points. Give this man a sabbatical. (0-3)

I went in at 3 against Mark Mellar for what was one of the more curious games of the evening. For the first game I was nothing short of a squash god, imperiously controlling the rallies and despatching the winners with utter aplomb. I barely broke sweat, walked off thinking I was too good to lose and promptly lost the next three games, the last one an abject 0-9. Mark is extremely fit and chases everything down, but how I went from Colossus to Chump in one game still has me scratching my head (1-3)

Jo Lady Bear did something similar, though not as bad, in her game. Won a hard-fought first 9-7 against Darren Thompson but then couldn't keep up the momentum. Those infamous chop drops from the back just weren't coming off. Hangover from the Inter-Counties, perhaps? (1-3)

By far the most entertaining match came at 5 between our super stand-in Mike Atkinson and Paul "The Comet" Haley, ex of these pastures. Apparently, he moved up to Holmer Green because he "couldn't stand any more of Jones' bulls**t any more." Or something like that. The squash equivalent of Wacky Races, this match was an absolute nightmare to mark because neither player appeared to have a clue as to how to move on a squash court and kept confusing an open space with each other. Atko took the first with some impressive depth and volleying, but then The Comet blazed back (do you see what I did there? I"m available for freelance articles). Atko retaliated, but then his mistake count started to rise as the lack of match practice kicked in. The resistance flared briefly to make it 2-1, but then fizzled out (that's enough appalling firework metaphors. ed). Well played to Mike anyway, and thanks for standing in and getting us a couple of valuable points.

 

So, a 5-0, 19/5 drubbing made for a downbeat curry. 

With some tough matches coming up, we need to sharpen up and our captain to realign his priorities...

(The Real) Captain Bear

Bears v Chesham Bois (10/11/11)

Here's Oliver Reeves match report for last night's match agin Chesham Bois notable for the number of exclamation marks used (count 'em) and Olly's first and last ever use of the word 'thereafter' (no, seriously, look closely...)
Trev x


NO SURRENDER FROM FEARSOME BEARS


Bears v Chesham Bois (10/11/11)
Away

Match Report: Oily Reeves


Yes, well it was a hard fought match with Toby at 1, Olly at 2, Fielding at 3, Jo at 4 and Bullard at 5.

First game (as only 1 court available till 8!!) was captain Fielding, he was playing a young Chris Wildman who absolutely smashed the ball perfectly, almost too well. Well the first game was well fought and length with Dave going down 9-6. After some expert advice from captain Olly (slow the ball down, pick your drops and tighten it up) he won the 2nd 6-9. Fielding was on form (honestly I have never seen him play so well, stepping into the ball with ease, hitting a great length and width) but youth overcame such skill and he lost the third 10-9. Dave was spent, looked up at me with exhaustion and knew that he had to dig in (his opponent seemed to put the ball down on long rallies so it had to be a long night for Dave if he was to turn it around). He dug in and despite match ball to Chris, Dave pulled off the game of his life and won 10-9. It was now 2-2, fielding had found his wings and 2nd wind!!! He took off in the 5th with precision but did he have the legs?? Of course he did, and after 1 hour and 15mins Fielding got the result of the night and won the 5th 8-10. Best ever game I have seen Dave play, fantastic that man!!!!!!

Second game was Bullard at 5. Unfortunately despite johnnys lobs, drops and floating about on the court he lost the first 2 games quickly at 9-3 and 9-4. But come back Johnny certainly did that winning the third 5-9. Unfortunately, Jeremy Hill the oppo moved well and out-manouvered our Johnny winning the 4th 9-3. Unlucky Johnny.

Third game was Jo Smalley whose opponent was the youthful super slim Steve Sieff. Despite Jo's captains advice of " move those bloody legs" which she did in fairness (well at least in the first game winning 4-9, the legs gave in losing the next three 9-5, 9-1, 9-6. Her excuse was that she was saving herself for the inter counties this weekend, what!!!!!!!! 'NO SURRENDER' IN THE BEARS I'M AFRAID!!!!
(*To be fair, ‘saving my legs’ was a euphemism for ‘I’m totally knackered and I can’t run anymore’.  JB’s first comment to me was ‘bl00dy hell, you covered some ground’!!  The man I played was a machine! Jo)

So the match stands at 2-1 to the UPSTARTS, up steps Olly Reeves captain extrordinaire! Playing the tricky Phil Williams. Same old Olly im afraid, didnt want to run, Phils boasts were millimeters above the tin and a very pi£$ed off Olly came off the court losing the first very easily 9-3.
Well, I had to start running, was getting a little warmer and had to start controlling the game. Ignoring Tobys advice of playing a length, a very precise short game pursued, hitting most nicks and dropping sublimely and eased in to a 1-1 match winning 9-4. The game thereafter became simple, frustrating his opponent and winning the next 2, 9-5 and 9-3 getting a deserved resuly 1-3.

The match stood at 2-2 and Toby had to play the infamous Sam Muller!!
Super fit Sam nearly got to evertything but played a too loose game which Toby controlled from the start. Not putting a foot wrong the consistent Johnson eased into his own winning the game only dropping 4 points!!!! 0-9,1-9,3-9  Fantastic again!

The Match was won 2-3 and on the whole we deserved it. A great result which should send us up the table and on form for next weeks game.

Well done all you Bears.

NO SURRENDER!!!

Olly

---

Bulls, Bears, Lions and Super 2nds Results (2/11/11)

The Bulls visited Chesham Bois in search of their first victory. We were met by their 'Juniors'; a motley mixture of kindergarden and 'hairy arse'.
Things didn't go well from the off:


Nigel 'The Camel' McNeil played a youngster who was just too steady. Our skipper did well to steal a game before the inevitable "all at sea" mantra was first muttered at the end of the 2nd game, invariably the camel's death rattle...
Loss (1-3)


Young Seb Monson stepped up to the plate and did well to sneak the first game against a more experienced opponent who was having trouble reading Seb's lanky lugubriousness. The boy lost a bit of discipline as he tired and when his shorts split from belly button to b*llocks he had trouble holding it together (though we all admired his 'I love my Mum' boxers).
Seb can be well proud of his senior debut.
Loss (2-3)


Veteran St. John Dyson was also making his Bulls debut for the season and rolled back the years in the first two games; delighting the crowd with his dextrous flicks and elegant indifference. Midway through the 3rd the panic on Sturge's face was palpable; his legs had gone (they do have to support those buttocks) and his young oppo' 'Cam' was getting stronger. The end was nigh and St. John was nigh on knackered... it's good to have him back though.
Loss (2-3)


I (me, myself, Trev) was up next against 'Tiny Tim'. I've got to say that I seem to be rediscovering my mojo of late; it may well just be the swan song of one in death throes but my first two games were great fun; I frolicked like a spring lamb and bewildered Tim, making mutton out of my lanky litigant. I lost focus in the 3rd but rallied to take the 4th with elan.
Win (3-1)


'Best for last' as they say and Jim Cooper took on Chesham's skipper Tom in a humdinger. Both players like to volley and both did so brilliantly; it was a battle royal to see who could dominate the front of the court. Jim knew that he had to keep Tim behind him and drove and lobbed with great skill and intelligence. The rallies took their toll on both players, but the quality remained high; tit for tat, blow by blow they found themselves tied at 2-2. Tom took a lead in the 5th; Jim clawed it back but just didn't have quite enough in his arsenal. 'Coops' has definitely taken his game to a new level adding fuel to the rumour that he is the new 'Ken Groundcourt'. The 'Most Improved Player of the Year' award surely...


Already there are whispers of demotion; next week we play Holmer Green 3 at home; duffers v duffers in a 'must win' match.

Start time is 7.30pm

The Super 2nd's will also be at home to our last Wednesdays opponents CB Juniors, so it should be good evening for all concerned on court and in the gallery.

The Bulls team next Tuesday will be:

Nige

Ian

Jim

Trev

Natalie

Regarding the Bears v Super 2nds match last Tuesday, the following florid match report was submitted by Napoleon:

Chris v Toby 1-3
Phil v Olly  3-1
Neil v Andy  3-0
Kev v Dave  3-0
Gareth v John  3-0

That'll be 13-4 (17-4) to the seconds then...

The Lions took on Gerrards 'Very' Cross on Wednesday.

This just in from 'Dirty' Dan Fernandez:

Lost 0-5 to GX. Tight match despite score 7-19.
Mark went 0-2 down v Trevor Loran. Got back to 2-2, went 7-2 up but lost it 8-10.
Matt lost 0-3 to Andy Pears despite close 1st.
Nick played well but lost 2-3 to bloke from Uxbridge, Steve Wright.
I played Pete the golfer and had a 70min thriller. Despite leading 2-1, ran out of gas, 2-3. 
Chris lost to Hefferman 1-3. Got the ball nice and hot, close rallies but SH had too many shots.
What was 0-5, could have been 3-2. Lack of fitness the determining factor.